Fatback Media

Michelle Ryan was at the 2008 Telefilm festival this week even thought I though Bionic Woman was canceled. The show was a little weak but Katie Sackhoff and Michelle Ryan had the curves to make it work for me. If I were any kind of journalist, I’d research this, but as you know, there are no Pulitzer’s in my future. Side note: I just realized how dirty Pulitzer sounds. Rrreeow.

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Idol Finalist and Fatback Media country fried fave, Kristy Lee Cook had herself a diva moment in her hometown of Grants Pass, OR this week when she called a local salon to get a mani-pedi. Except not.

Kristy asked to be ushered in through the back door to avoid the crowds of adoring fans. Only problem, there weren’t any!  No one at the salon had even heard of her. Needless to say, Cook walked in unharmed by the swarm of no one and got her nails and feet did. It’s hard being famous y’all! (TMZ)

Here, here. Maybe if she was little more racy, she would have been remembered. Take Katharine McPhee. Can we name 1 song she sang on American Idol? No. We remember tits & ass and yellow dresses. You have to push the envelope, baby. Actually, take the envelope run it through the shredder. Nude. Then you’ll be on the right track. Maybe she could have been the foul mouthed country girl who could change a truck tire and always had a dirty joke handy. Like these:

1. What do you get when you accidentally run over a 4 year old? An erection.
2. Wow, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth except my father’s dick.

Comedy. Gold. I have to give credit where filthy credit is due. The first joke is by my man Quist-gon-jin, and the second is from a collection by JGA. Remember Kristy, nobody remembers the stuck up country princess, but they do remember the country whore.

UGH. On the road today and couldn’t do shit. Auto link post posted and fucking rotted in the sun all GD day. My bad. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. With cake.

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Jessica Simpson is reported furious that her sister Ashlee Simpson’s recent engagement to boyfriend Pete Wentz may attract more attention than she’s getting lately.

Not to be upstaged, Jessica is now reportedly betrothed to her football star boyfriend Tony Romo.

TMZ reports that an insider revealed to Star magazine, “Jessica would love nothing more than to get married before Ashlee.

It upsets her that her little sister will be married and she won’t. She gets jealous when Ash gets more attention.”

The latest rumour came about after it was overheard that Jessica’s friends were toasting to her “happiness” late last week at P. Diddy’s Hollywood party. (CMR)

There are so many referring sources there, that I just forgot what this post was about. Oh yeah. jessica Simpson is a jealous, catty bitch. She’s a smokin’ hot jealous catty bitch with DD’s so she can pretty much do whatever she wants. She could become the mayor of any major city in the US just by asking. It’s in the constitution. Oh yeah, she’s also our Southern Hottie of the Day (SHOTD) today.

So apparently Mischa Barton is pissed that the cellulite photos of her 22 year old cottage cheese ass hit the internet, because they were photoshopped by a meanie paparazzo. She also said that she ‘loves her curves and so does her boyfriend and that’s that‘, or something to that effect. Obviously we all know that she is no longer a hot 19 year old model, she’s a run of the mill stoner valley girl.

I think people have the wrong impression about cellulite. Lots of girls have it, even skinny girls. Some of it is genetic, but mostly it’s just stoner chicks who are too lazy to exercise after high school when their metabolism finally kicks in and they get curves in all the wrong places.  A fun activity for you and your friends is to go back your high school year book and take a look at all the hotties who ate McDonalds every day and drank beer like it was water but always managed to stay tight and thin. Then go down to the mall and wait in the food court to see what nature has wrought. Exciting!

Moral of the story? Get off your ass and do some stair steppers and let your hair grow back out. You’re an embarrassment, tubby.

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• Quitter

This is an old school Tricia Helfer nip-slip for today’s link post. It’s from the 2007 Scream Awards where they gave trophies to chicks who show their tits in horror movies. These are so weak they don’t even qualify for the NSFW section, but Tricia Helfer is really pretty so here ya go. In case you were wondering what she looks like naked, you can certainly head on over to the NSFW section.

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Erm. Something’s definitely different about Ashlee Simpson. Did she color her hair? New cut? Is that a new shirt? WHAT IS IT?

Ashlee, who got engaged to rocker boyfriend PETE WENTZ last month, has recently been subject of rumours surrounding a possible pregnancy.

But the eye-catching size of her bust pictured above will only increase speculation, as it looks like she’s developed a pair of CHRISTINA AGUILERA-style pregnancy boobs.

Either that or the wiring of her bra is truly immense.

The mystery deepens… (SUN UK)

Also a mystery, is how my super sexy dance moves saved the day when the bullies tried to take over the orphanage. I’m a maniac.

We have exclusive nude pictures of Eva Mendes Nude!! And by exclusive, I mean we were the last to get these. If you haven’t seen them yet, then head on over to the NSFW section and prepare to to broaden your artistic horizons with this incredibly artistic photo shoot of Eva Mendes artistically nude. Or just go look at the Cuban-American boobies, you cretin.

Eva Mendes Nude Pictures, you perv.

URGH. I’m in NYC today smelling all the city freshness on my fellow man so I forgot to update this link post this morning when I was looking at dawn’s asinine crack. I’ll post later from a bar over potato skins and beer. My goals today:

1. Eat a NY style pizza. In New York. I KNOW, right? Just kidding there is no New York style pizza. TOTAL MYTH.
2. See a supermodel. Besides the one in the mirror. Sexy devil.
3. See public nudity. The good kind.
4. Figure out what that fucking smell is coming across the river.

Back later on. I love you the most for being here today. Truly.

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Country fried hottie, singer and self-proclaimed redneck woman, Gretchen Wilson just finished high school. She’s 34.

Wilson, who dropped out of school in ninth grade, passed her General Educational Development exam in April. She took the test with her 21-year-old cousin Matt Simmonds, who found out on the last day of testing in 12th grade that he didn’t have enough credits to graduate. They both will wear caps and gowns when they walk in a May 15 Wilson County graduation ceremony.

As her daughter leaves first grade, Wilson leaves a statistical group — the at least one-fifth of working-age Tennesseans who don’t have high-school diplomas. (Source)

I love trashy redneck girls - especially ones who can’t read too good. They may not be able to quote Shakespeare, but they’re wildcats in the sack, can change your truck tire and may just end up winning your heart in the process. P.S.  - A great gift for your redneck honey on GED graduation day is a Gerber lock-blade with a gut hook. Surprise her!