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This is Michelle Hunziker, a Swiss born polyglot who is also a model. You may remember her from… well, pretty much nothing if you live in the continental US. She’s extremely hot and apparently doesn’t have hang up about being nude, so we’re big fans. She also doesn’t mind this Gene Simmons looking dude rubbing oil all over naked tan body. Which makes him a hero in our book. I worked for a summer as a masseur at a resort down south but it didn’t last very long. Apparently some folks didn’t like my “motorboat” technique for the chest area. Sorry dude. That’s how we do it Bangkok.

Gillian Anderson is pregnant. Again. Here she is at the X-Files premier in LA looking cougariffic and radiant. Which is a nice way of saying she’s fat. Her boobs look huge so I’d probably still hit it. Yeah. I would.

If you want see Gillian back in the day all naked and skinny you can go here: Gillian Anderson Nude

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Happy 4th of July Americans! This is the day we celebrate kicking every one else’s ass in every war ever. As the last superpower standing, we come together every year and blow shit up on the day our forefathers signed the Declaration of Independence from our British oppressors. Those brave men signed a document that meant that all people had the right to live in freedom without worry of religious or government interference - as long as you were a white upper class property owner living in Boston, New York or Philadelphia. Fuck yeah!

It took us a few hundred years to figure out the racism part, but in those few hundred years we decided that America stands for truth, justice and hot chicks in bikinis. True story. They’re adding a book to the Bible right now called the Book of America and on page one is a picture of Marisa Miller. She’s half naked and she embodies everything that Jesus and John Hancock had in mind. So raise your glass of Sam Adams, here’s to America. The haters can suck a bald eagle dick.

[Ed. note: Okay, so I published this a bit late. Beer, BBQ, & bikinis are to blame... F.]

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Kelly Brook just broke up with Billy Zane. While, I’m saddened by the fact that Billy will now have to serve Satan for eternity because his deal has expired, mostly I’m just saying, holyfuckyes!.

The 28-year-old former Big Breakfast presenter has decided she is too young to marry.

Billy, 42, is now moving back to Los Angeles for good after moving out of their £1million farmhouse in Kent.

A source told The Sun: “After much soul-searching, Kelly decided that Billy is not the man she wants to marry and has called off the engagement. (Daily Mail)

Now if you please, Kelly and I would appreciate your prayers and a little privacy while we break some biblical taboos.

Oh, if you’ve forgotten what Kelly Brook looks like naked you can look into my bedroom. Or Go here (NSFW)

I had no idea that Jessica Simpson’s agent hated her so much. Sure, she was allowed to make her “Blonde Ambition” movie that about 34 people in Texas went to see, but that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is found splayed across May’s Esquire cover where Jessica’s agent allows her to appear SHAVING HER FACE on the cover of a major men’s magazine. I get that she’s recreating a classic 1965 Esquire cover with Italian actress Virna Lisa, but seriously y’all this can’t be helpful to her increasingly non-existent career. And I’d bet money that Daddy Joe ghostwrote the entire introduction to the article. With phrases describing Jessica as “hot as fresh milk,” with “breasts like plucked guinea hens,” and “a caviar body lacquered in barbeque sauce,” surely this is the stuff of creepy Joe getting way too excited while trying to describe his daughter and not that of a professional writer. You can decide for yourself–check out the text and additional pics of Jess from Esquire below . . .