So this is Heidi Montag in in her *ahem* adult magazine photoshoot.

Two things:

1. I’ve seen more nudity in the Bible
2. I’ve seen less airbrushing on a beaded t-shirt in Myrtle Beach South Carolina

Why do they airbrush the SHIT out of these things? She’s like 24 and has huge tits. She’s all set. It’s not like she’s some aging actress trying to get back some of the glory of the Buffy days (sorry Kristy! Call me!). We don’t need “sexy elegant” here. This magazine sits on the back of the toilet in a frat house, not the desk of the CEO of Bank of America next to Yachting Digest.  I mean how classy can you really be with your tits hanging out in a spank mag photo session? But I digress…

Speaking of naked tits. THERE ARE NONE. It’s the ultimate tease by a girl who will probably make every man in her life put his fist through a wall. I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t give you partial credit. So, enjoy? These will probably be gone within a few hours.

Cheryl Tweedy is my new favorite singer. I’ve never heard of her before but she has great tits and a microphone, so I’m sure she’s amazing. I assume she’s British because I’ve never heard of her and people with tits hanging out like that tend to get noticed here in the US of A (if her name wasn’t Tweedy I would have gone with Hispanic – Mexicans have the hottest singers, God knows what the hell they’re saying but they sure do look purdy doing it).

The thing I like about Cheryl is that she’s got some freaky dance moves. They’re kinda like mine except for the part where I’m politely asked to take my epilepsy meds. Philistines.

Update: Sexy sounding Fiona from the UK let me know that Cheryl is in a fake band called Girls Aloud that’s kinda like American Idol except the people have great tits. Like Fiona!

(Images via Phun)

God damn I love this country. Europe was great and I deeply respect their relaxed views on nudity, sodomy and ritual suicide, but where else can you decide your country’s future using a picture of enormous tits. That’s why we win all the wars. We respect America, apple pie and chicks with ridiculously sized tits. The potheads sexy kids at College Humor have more Erection 2008 coverage right here. Also, here’s what’s going on around the netz.

• Sarah Chalke (Becky 2) still smoking hot after all these months. (Phun)
• Don’t fucking touch Madonna (Allie)
• Chanelle Hayes looks for some richness in her life. ((Bastardly)
• Giselle in a music video for some reason. (Drunken Stepfather))
• Ben and Jen Affleck…kinda normal. (Celebitchy)
• Whitney Port does something, or something. Whatever. (IBBB)

God this chick is insufferable. Is there anything she does that’s not a photo-op? Don’t get me wrong, she looks great and her ass is definitely hot for a white girl, but there’s just something about her that seems kinda strip club-ish. Like,”Hey that stripper that gave me a lap dance was pretty hot…for a stripper”. She’s like 25 right? What’s up with the all the plastic surgery? I’m sure she’ll regret all these early enhancements in a few years when she’s getting pounded from behind by Drew Carey for a spot as a hostess on The Price Is Right. COME ON DOWN!

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• If Halle’s parent’s don’t buy her this car so help me fucking God the whole things off!!

This is Megan Fox wearing a Star Wars T-shirt to the Fox All Star Party. Which I assumed was about baseball, but they might have just thrown the party to get Megan Fox to show up in this shirt. I think it goes without saying that Megan Fox is the hottest chick in the universe, but I’m skeptical about the t-shirt. Lots of girls these days are wearing vintage tees like Mr. T: I pity the fool, or Knight Rider: KITT, or Magnum PI, TC – the only black guy in Hawaii, etc but rarely do they have a clue as to what it really means. [ed note: I once asked a girl at USC if she knew who the guy on her t-shirt (Che Guevarra) was and she said, "Doesn't he write for that website?" Yes, honey. Yes, he sure does.] If Megan Fox is really Star Wars fan then I think my penis just exploded and I hear wedding bells.

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchanalian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.