Can I borrow a towel? My car hit a water buffalo.

This is Maria Fowler a “glamour model”. Glamour Model is British for “loikes ta show ‘er tits, Guv’nah”. I’m not sure what they feed these chicks but it apparently grows awesomely perfect breasts and blocks the proclivity to wear shirts. It’s like a combination of fried fish, Guinness and angel semen.

Translation: words words words BOOBS words.

Here’s Rosie Jones in some magazine somewhere for uh, something. I’m just calling it in at this point. I need a bottle of cabernet. Merci.

Rekon these taste like bacon?

You win, Miley. I give up trying to keep Dateline off my front porch. With a rack like that and the can-do attitude we’ve been seeing, you’ve won the boners hearts and minds  of the American people.

What’s that you say? She’s 18? Well that’s horse of a different color, or as I like to say,” ‘scuse me while I rub one out to them tit-tays”. In a totally respectful way, of course. Girl power!

And by warmer, I mean boner.

Evelyn Taft is our favorite SF Bay area news hottie. She grew up speaking Russian in the Bay Area, according to her bio, and I’d love to hear her whisper lubovnik in my ear while we lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a crackling fire sipping honeyed vodka. But I digress…

Besides being a super smart smartie meteorologist, Evelyn has great assets as a newscaster. And by assets I mean, OMG huge titties! We’re missing her since she moved down to LA, although she is dressing a little more tawdry professional now that’s she’s down there. Here’s hoping she comes to work in a low slung tank top.

Here’s a video of Evelyn and her sweater pups.

Click here to view the embedded video.

"You look mighty cute in them jeans..."

Apparently, Lindsay Lohan couldn’t keep her nose clean during probation and has failed her mandatory drug test. This means she may face prison time…oh who the fuck am I kidding. She could snort coke from the canoed skull of a her own aborted fetus and drive her car right up the LA County Courthouse steps at lunchtime wearing the skin of murdered runaway teen as a jacket and she’d still never see the inside of a prison again. You see, rich people get to do what they want, and people like you and me get to murder hate them.

We’re told the court-mandated drug test in question occurred last week. According to the terms of Lindsay’s probation, she will get 30 days in jail for a positive drug test.

One source connected with Lindsay tells TMZ … “People with addiction problems don’t get better magically, and she’s really been making an effort to make herself better.” (via TMZ)

So apparently Fornarina, makes clothing for the jockey lot. Howwwwwwwwwwl!

Can I borrow some sugar?

Okay, so I’ve been holding on to most of these for while because a certain Men’s Magazine get’s their crotchless panties all in a wad when you post their pictures, even though is obviously fair use and it actually drives sales. But I digress. Kim Kardashian is nude. YOU HEAR THAT GOOGLE? These pics are from the photo shoot Kim did a while back for the men’s magazine in question. Some made into to glossy stapled glory and some (read: the ones without nipples) made it into the “outtake” pile. Which is just another way of saying, ‘how can we squeeze the last drop of rights management out of these once Kim starts to lose her relevance?’

But, I being a pervy blogger professional journalist, like to give credit where credit is due. First off you can thank the folks who emblazoned these pics with the little bunny for the photography. I’d also like to thank Kim Kardashian for having huge tits and wanting to show them off like a famemongering whore. And lastly, I’d like to thank Kim’s dad for setting a murderer free. God Bless America. And Twins!

The nipple ratio is so high I had to put the pic after the jump…enjoy. Feel free to not sue me.

Horizontal stripes are not slimming on those babies.

Sofia Vergara has been getting a lot of press these days because of the Emmy win for Modern Family and because of her gigantic Columbian boobies. This is Sofia out and about in LA proving that she can look sexy in that dress that your girlfriend wears and thinks is hot because it’s so thin and sheer, but her ass looks huge and you just want to stay in the car and listen to NPR a little longer and scrunch way down when she goes into 7-11 to get Pringles and Tampax. Go Emmys!

Here’s more Sofia Vergara and her Sabado Gigantes:

I think they lost something behind the couch.

I love a good sex tape as much as the next guy – especially when your mom is in it – the camera loves her. Rumors have swirled (like poo in porcelain) for months about a possible Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sex tape – underwhelming the shit out of everyone who blatantly continued living their lives. *Uses Dateline’s Keith Morrison voice* But now…all that is changed. It seems Heidi. Had sex. With…another girl. Ooooooh. Ooooh.

Shock the monkey  TMZ:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon.

We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

In case you’re wondering why I have that banner pic of the two girls (and twins!); at least one of those girls is Karissa Shannon. I can’t tell them apart. I’m not sure if they can. I do know this: judging by pic number 3, either Hef is a tiny pixie man or those are some big bitches. Watch out Spencer, the pretty one might think you’re an albino chimp and spear you for her village. In case this is your first day out of Mexican prison and you’ve yet to feel the hurricane of Heidi Montag media rain down upon your face like a fetid golden shower in a Thai massage parlor, you can always go here and see more Heidi Montag relatively nude pics.

I'm civic minded, y'all!

Look at me I’m Amber Heard! I’m an actress y’all and I care about political stuff, too! And because I’m famous, my opinion counts more that yours! HAHAHAHAHA!

STFU. If there’s anything worse than a protester, it’s actor who’s a protestor. It’s like we should all stop what we’re doing and listen to actors like Sean Penn, who took time out of his busy day being smug and inordinately rich, to let us know that we should fucking care about this important cause, about which, he could give exactly two shits.

Hi, I’m Sean Penn and I’m bored as fuck with my life of riches and having sex with Robin Wright, so please look at me at this rally for gay atheist Korean shop keepers in the barrio who can’t pay their rent because of the MAN.”

But I digress. This is Amber Heard at a Prop 8 rally. Granted, the cause is worthwhile, but seriously, what is she doing here looking all beautiful with her sensuous red lips and heaving natural breasts and standing seductively close to the hot tattoo lady with the nice teeth? [OMG, they might kiss!] NO ON PROP 8! NO ON PROP 8! I love you Amber! Call me.

If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to...

Kelly Brook nude with photoshop in all the wrong places… Click here for the full Kelly Brook Nude photoshoot. PUTTIN’ ONNA RITZ!