Fatback Media

I had no idea that Jessica Simpson’s agent hated her so much. Sure, she was allowed to make her “Blonde Ambition” movie that about 34 people in Texas went to see, but that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is found splayed across May’s Esquire cover where Jessica’s agent allows her to appear SHAVING HER FACE on the cover of a major men’s magazine. I get that she’s recreating a classic 1965 Esquire cover with Italian actress Virna Lisa, but seriously y’all this can’t be helpful to her increasingly non-existent career. And I’d bet money that Daddy Joe ghostwrote the entire introduction to the article. With phrases describing Jessica as “hot as fresh milk,” with “breasts like plucked guinea hens,” and “a caviar body lacquered in barbeque sauce,” surely this is the stuff of creepy Joe getting way too excited while trying to describe his daughter and not that of a professional writer. You can decide for yourself–check out the text and additional pics of Jess from Esquire below . . .

Doing nothing to dispell stereotype of Brits being panty-waisted sissies, Hugh Grant was ARRESTED in London for throwing a can of baked beans at a photographer. As if this wasn’t enough to make Hugh a first-ballot entrant into the All-Time Wuss Hall of Fame, he also allegedly kicked the man before hurling a can of frozen food at him.

There is so much going on here, that I don’t know where to start. For starters, none of us should be surprised that the star of such Action Adventures as Notting Hill, Two Weeks’ Notice, Four Weddings and a Funeral (need I continue?), assaulted someone with a grocery store product. Hugh got his frequent-bitch boy card punched long ago. Can you imagine Matthew McConaughey kicking a photographer? Hell no. Wooderson would have just mowed the dude down with his ‘67 Chevy SS on the way to the Moontower.

What is shocking is that this waste of a penis managed to date ELIZABETH FREAKIN’ HURLEY for the better part of a decade. And this was before Liz got all knocked up and fat! Let’s just finish with some pictures of the beautiful Mrs. Austin Powers before she decided to start popping out kids and get married in India. I’m going to go to the nearest pub and pick a fight with a soccer fan.

TMZ reports an employee of Wolfgang Puck catering services, who recently catered the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party, was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis A and could have possibly spread it to the attendees. Scandalous!

An urgent warning has been issued by the Health Department, warning the star-studded crowd who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day that they may have been exposed to acute hepatitis A. The list of possibly exposed guests: Beyonce Knowles, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, and dozens of ridiculously hot bikini models.

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health confirmed that an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering was recently diagnosed with the disease, and has strongly urged anyone who attended the SI party, or any of the 13 other events catered by Puck between Feb. 1 – 20, to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow to prevent illness. (source)

I don’t get it? The chance of a communicable disease, a raid by Colombian gangsters, incurable case of carpet burn and a paternity test nine months down the road are the marks of every Hollywood party I’ve ever been to. And Hep A, who doesn’t have that, anymore? It’s like the country club strain of Hep diseases. I think newborns in California are just inoculated with it when they get their MMR vaccinations. I’m pretty sure it’s a law.

Hep C. Now that’s some shit you can sink you’re teeth into: tattoos, drug use, high risk sexual practices, voodoo. Ain’t no party like a Hep C party ‘cuz a Hep C party don’t quit, bitches.

I’m kidding! Don’t do drugs. And have your pets spayed or neutered. EMcrest., OUT!