Fatback Media

These scans of Marisa Miller are old and grainy like a Hustler Magazine that you used to find in the woods by your house. Which is why moldy paper and grainy pictures still give you a hard on. It’s in our DNA. There’s an inate drive in all humans to go to the woods to find wet rotting porn. Who leaves that shit there? Is it a right of passage that urges young men headed off to college to leave their skin mags in the forest for the next generation? Or was it just the creepy next door neighbor with all the adopted Asian kids jerking his junk in the woods? Whoever it was had a prediliction for loose-lipped ladies which kind of messed me up the first time I saw vazhe in person.

Here’s Marisa Miller grainy as hell in Malibu, a magazine for rich white people who have stuff that you don’t.

Happy 4th of July Americans! This is the day we celebrate kicking every one else’s ass in every war ever. As the last superpower standing, we come together every year and blow shit up on the day our forefathers signed the Declaration of Independence from our British oppressors. Those brave men signed a document that meant that all people had the right to live in freedom without worry of religious or government interference - as long as you were a white upper class property owner living in Boston, New York or Philadelphia. Fuck yeah!

It took us a few hundred years to figure out the racism part, but in those few hundred years we decided that America stands for truth, justice and hot chicks in bikinis. True story. They’re adding a book to the Bible right now called the Book of America and on page one is a picture of Marisa Miller. She’s half naked and she embodies everything that Jesus and John Hancock had in mind. So raise your glass of Sam Adams, here’s to America. The haters can suck a bald eagle dick.

[Ed. note: Okay, so I published this a bit late. Beer, BBQ, & bikinis are to blame... F.]

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So the auto linker is down, my server is bloated like a tick on a hound dog and I can’t post for shit with this bullshit wireless connection. The good news is Marisa Miller continues to be hot in lingerie. So break out the SPF 1000, ’cause I’m going to the beach folks. If you see a guy with a farmer tan, black knee socks and sweater of chest hair…look to the right. See that handsome blogger? That’s me ladies. If you need me, you’ll find me under a pile jello stained dixie cups next to the strippers from The Suck-Bang-Blow club. Harley chicks rule.

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TMZ reports an employee of Wolfgang Puck catering services, who recently catered the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party, was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis A and could have possibly spread it to the attendees. Scandalous!

An urgent warning has been issued by the Health Department, warning the star-studded crowd who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day that they may have been exposed to acute hepatitis A. The list of possibly exposed guests: Beyonce Knowles, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, and dozens of ridiculously hot bikini models.

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health confirmed that an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering was recently diagnosed with the disease, and has strongly urged anyone who attended the SI party, or any of the 13 other events catered by Puck between Feb. 1 - 20, to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow to prevent illness. (source)

I don’t get it? The chance of a communicable disease, a raid by Colombian gangsters, incurable case of carpet burn and a paternity test nine months down the road are the marks of every Hollywood party I’ve ever been to. And Hep A, who doesn’t have that, anymore? It’s like the country club strain of Hep diseases. I think newborns in California are just inoculated with it when they get their MMR vaccinations. I’m pretty sure it’s a law.

Hep C. Now that’s some shit you can sink you’re teeth into: tattoos, drug use, high risk sexual practices, voodoo. Ain’t no party like a Hep C party ‘cuz a Hep C party don’t quit, bitches.

I’m kidding! Don’t do drugs. And have your pets spayed or neutered. EMcrest., OUT!