I don’t usually eat breakfast when I wake up because the thought of food makes me gag. Now I found something brand new to gag about. OK so it isn’t “brand new”. Madonna has had veiny heroin arms for years but this picture emphasizes just about every vein in each arm. People on tv are talking about the pic and are saying that she is veiny because she is so buff.

The fact of the matter is she is so OLD! Ever look closely at your grandmother’s arms? See a resemblance? I thought so. I am not a science teacher so I do not know what it is that makes the skin slip away from the muscle and makes the arms look wrinkly and veiny, but whatever the fuck it is called, Madonna’s got it. OK. I am done with this post. I am going to throw up now.

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OK so maybe Madonna isn’t a serial killer herself, but her little bullshit performances around the world (that feature her trying to look like a sexy 20 year old but actually just depicts a sorry old lady with witch arms) caused two people to die this week. It happened when they were setting up her stage. One man was hit with a crane and died instantly and the police aren’t saying if the second person who just died was a male or a female or how he/she died.

I am sure Madonna is oblivious to all this shit and could care less about the lives of stage hands. When someone came into Madonna’s dressing room and told her a second person died while setting up her stage she said, ” Did you see my thong? I bought a new thong. Wanna see it? It is black. This… now this will make 20 year olds want to fuck me again.”

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Links that are very appealing to 20 year olds

Britney Spears is already cheating- IDLYITW

Jordan is in a bikini/lingerie thing – Allie Is Wired

Ashley Tisdale; still in a bikini, still hot- Drunken Stepfather

Renee Zellweger is the weirdest looking person in Hollywood- Celeb News Wire

Cute college girl of the day- College Humor

Kim Kardashian is a good salesman- IDLYITW

The tabloids were all abuzz yesterday when it was being reported that Madonna was adopting a baby named Mercy James from Malawi. All things looked good until she pulled a Nadya Suleman. What I mean by that is, she tried to adopt as a single mother. Octomom never tried to adopt, but being a single mother meant she wasn’t ready to have a handful of kids. The bid for Mercy has officially been rejected and we are not sure whether or not she will get a second chance to adopt. Hahahahahahahaha!

Actually Madonna will get a second chance because her lawyer filed for an appeal. But things do not look good. The judge said, ” I think the welfare of Chifundo [ African for Mercy] will be better served if she grows within the environment of the culture of Malawi.” Of course, this whole thing may have turned out differently if Madonna had actually showed up to court. The judge would have seen her glowing beauty and her Hollywood sex appeal and would have been in shock of this angel who entered the courtroom. She would have not only granted Madonna adoption rights to Malawi, but would have mentioned coupon Thursday at the local adoption bank. Hell, Madonna would have blown the judges mind so much, that she could partake in the deal without even HAVING a coupon. They don’t offer those 20% off rates to just anyone you know.  

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Madonna feels that having only a handful of kids isn’t enough, and much like Nadya Suleman, she wants many more. Madonna is heading to Milawi to finalize her kidnappingadoption of 3 year old Mercy James which other civilians of the area are protesting. This is basically the equivalent of Amy Winehouse coming to America and adopting a toddler and taking him/her back to the U.K. You can see why people are protesting this move.

The rest of this story is filled with big, foreign sounding words like Lilongwe and Blantyre, so I will dumb it down. Madonna is going to some remote village and she is signing papers in a  court to take the baby home today. Most “normal” people have to wait like 6 months to get a baby. But I am assuming if you have cash on hand, you can get one just about anywhere in the world. The kid will live with Madonna until she turns 18, and after that she will probably get a little reality show going and become famous for being famous or as some superficial people call it, Hollywood royalty. If things work out the way I want them to work out, then Madonna will not get the kid for the simple fact that she is a single mother but I never get what I want. Maybe the key is to not want it. I don’t want $1 million and a hot super model girlfriend. There we go. Eat that  karma.

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Yuk! I am trying to hold down my puke as I write this. Recently Madonna auctioned off a nude picture of herself which I think was taken before she launched her music career. I won’t torture you by posting the pic here. But there is one word to describe them. Hairy. And for that matter I won’t be posting any recent pictures of Madonna either. Anytime you can avoid seeing her and her witch arms is a bonus.

So who is the perv that actually bought this photo? Well he’s anonymous of course. The dude didn’t even show up to the auction. He phoned it in. To give you an idea of how old Madonna is, she was over 18 in 1979 and only got $25 for the photo shoot in question. What a rip off. It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that she went down to the street and offered a blow job to some John on the street corner for $30. Come on. You know she did it at least once. Playboy was so desperate for celebrity nudity that they actually posted the set of photos in a 1985 issue. This is just too much for me. I am going to toss my breakfast in my toilet bowl.

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Well it is gonna be a blowout tonight at Dodger Stadium. We all remember Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera performing on stage and kissing Madonna at the MTV Music Awards or whatever the fuck that was. Now Brit Brit, J.T. and Madge will be raising the roof tonight. No word yet on weather or not there will be lesbian kissing but a guy can hope can’t he?

This thing is gonna go up in flames. Sometimes pop musicians try to out do themselves and end up in the long run just looking like idiots. Ryan Gaycrest had this to say, ” If Britney and Justin end up on that stage with her… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.” This is a guy who hosts American Idol and sees 10 killer performances a night by some of the most talented kids in the country and now he is saying that Brit, J.T. and Madge is gonna be something he has never seen before? How shallow is this motherfucker?

I am sure after the concert was announced Gaycrest jumped up and down with his limp wrists flapping in the wind and he peed in his pants a little bit.

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