Fatback Media

If Megan Fox was trying to look like she wasn’t the hottest girl that has ever lived, well sir, she has FAILED. Miserably. Even other hot chicks don’t even fight it anymore. They just sigh and try to act gracious when they call her “pretty”, then they go home and cry and fuck ugly dudes just to ride the tiger by the tail and feel special again for a minute or two. Megan Fox is what the ancient druids called “Stonehenge-ish” (magically hot enough to cause an erection of monolithic stone). I bet right after she has sex with Brian Austin Green he can read minds and see into the future a little bit. She’s the closest thing to god we’ll ever be able to look at. Or… follow home from the Ivy after she visited that cute little shop on Rodeo where she bought a SHAZAM novelty t-shirt that you just know will go great with those new skinny jeans that she just put into the dryer. I had no idea that you could buy a blue clothes dryer. I’ll need to check BestBuy.com when I get home.

[Editor's note: in case you were wondrin', I'm getting killed at my day job of saving America from communist aggression in the new Cold War, so the updates have been sparse. Special thanks to Allie, the sexiest blogger on earth for being the only one one millionth hot chick who noticed.]

Shawnee Smith is southern hotness. She was born in Orangeburg SC (my home state) so that makes her our Southern Hottie of the day. Sure she was an Air Force brat who moved to California in elementary school – so what you take for a gravelly hint of a southern twang is really just an Suburban LA drawl- but we’re not holding that against her. Oh well. We can dream right. I bet if we gave her some sweet tea and some fried chicken she’d fall right back into that low-country geechee. “Ah’ite, Bo?”

More Shawnee Smith, with even less clothes on.

This is Kristin Chenoweth at the zoo. Or at a movie opening at the zoo. Or at a movie opening about monkeys. I’m not sure because research is my kryptonite. I do know that her tits are awesome and they’re all kinds of hanging out, which makes her the best actress ever. I’m thinking she gets an Oscar for her performance in the monkey movie. Ok. Yeah. So I just found out she’s doing a voice and the film Space Chimps is animated. And well monkeys may be close to humans but monkey tits aren’t really that great. Trust me. And to the nosy zookeeper at the Columbia Zoo, you should just mind your own beeswax next time.