"You look mighty cute in them jeans..."

Apparently, Lindsay Lohan couldn’t keep her nose clean during probation and has failed her mandatory drug test. This means she may face prison time…oh who the fuck am I kidding. She could snort coke from the canoed skull of a her own aborted fetus and drive her car right up the LA County Courthouse steps at lunchtime wearing the skin of murdered runaway teen as a jacket and she’d still never see the inside of a prison again. You see, rich people get to do what they want, and people like you and me get to murder hate them.

We’re told the court-mandated drug test in question occurred last week. According to the terms of Lindsay’s probation, she will get 30 days in jail for a positive drug test.

One source connected with Lindsay tells TMZ … “People with addiction problems don’t get better magically, and she’s really been making an effort to make herself better.” (via TMZ)

So apparently Fornarina, makes clothing for the jockey lot. Howwwwwwwwwwl!

Looks like Lindsay lawyered up and checked herself into a rehab clinic so she can get out of going to jail for 90 days. Because that’s what you do in Holywood, you get out of shit because you’re rich and/or willing to suck old cock. Glamor me PEOPLE:

Lindsay Lohan, who has been ordered to report to jail by next Tuesday, has checked herself into Pickford Lofts, a sober-living house in Los Angeles founded by famed defense attorney Robert Shapiro.

But what’s that PEOPLE? There’s more? Nuh. UH.

“Robert Shapiro is not yet Lindsay’s official lawyer,” [She hasn't  officially blown him yet - Fatback] a source tells PEOPLE, adding that Shapiro connected with Lohan after being contacted [blown by -F.]  by one of her acquaintances. While in the facility, Lohan will be meeting with [blowing. teehee this is fun! I could do this all day!- F.] addiction specialists, so, the source adds, “Shapiro can assess Lindsay’s situation before he makes an announcement that he’s her lawyer [boyfriend. Ok,I'm done now-F.].”

Her voluntary admission into the sober house was done in the hopes that her jail sentence would get modified.

“She’s trying to make an effort,” the source says. “The hope is that the judge either reduces the sentence or tosses it out have have Lindsay stay in a facility instead of jail. The hope is that the judge sees Lindsay getting treatment and put her in an inpatient [rehab] program for 90 days instead of jail. Lindsay is not trying to fight or appeal the sentence, but adjust it.” (source)

I just hope her idiot father doesn’t try to take credit for this and work in a dig at Dina Lohan. Whup, spoke too soon. TMZ, roll that beautiful bean footage:

Michael Lohan tells TMZ, “Why is that I had to cry from the mountain for Lindsay to listen to me, and now finally she is doing what I said?

I just pray they implement everything else I said, like getting Lindsay clean of all meds, picking all new friends and management, and that Dina put her motives aside and she go to counseling with Lindsay and me.” (source)

If this chick gets out of going to jail by staying at what amounts to a resort for snot-nose rich kids, then I will eat my shorts. Or I will eat a pork adobo sandwich. And like…drink a, um, a Mexican beer. Yeah…yeah. Take that, Justice system.

Here’s Lindsay Lohan posing for GQ Germany, to which photo credit is owed. Score.

The word around the rumor mill is that Amy Winehouse is in the hospital yet again. What is surprising though is that she is not in there for drugs. She is there for a chest and lung infection. Which is probably because of drugs. What is funny is that Amy Winhouse’s Dad said Amy Wino’s lungs are “all gunked up” from cigarettes and crack cocaine. So he knows she is abusing drugs but just views it as an inconvenience that “gunks up your lungs.”I am still not sure when she is getting out of the hospital but it is expected for her to be released with a couple of days.

So don’t worry people. Your favorite train wreck will be released from the hospital soon enough to be seen on the streets under the influence of crack and showing off her latest facial scabs and scars for the paparazzi. When Chris Goodman her rep was asked about Wino’s condition, all he had to say was “she’s fine.” What a job that would be. A spokesman for Wino and having to convince people on a daily basis that your client “was fine.” Sad sad.

Source

Country hottie Mindy McCready is back in rehab after reportedly trying to kill herself with Vodka and Ambien (a popular sleep medication) and Dr. Phil may be coming to her rescue. Maybe. Ambien seems to be the new pill of choice for today’s drug users. Sanofi Aventis should just give out samples of Ambien CR with every  gram bag of coke that you buy. That would save a lot of marketing dollars. And in this economy…sheesh!

TMZ has learned the troubled McCready went off the deep end late last week after getting dumped by her boyfriend and collapsed while on the phone with her mother. She downed a bottle of vods and pills in what we’re told was a “suicide attempt.”

She’s headed to Arizona for treatment, and a source says that was all Phil’s idea. We’re told he’s taken Mindy under his wing as a “personal project.” As for whether or not she’ll be on the show, time will tell. (TMZ)

God damn, Mindy McCready likes to be drunk. When I eventually sleep with her, I’ll make sure to tell her that her life is spinning out of control and she needs some help as I throw the money on nightstand and walk out the next morning. But, I’ll leave her a bottle of Stoli and 2 Ambien CR’s with a note that says “call me”. Works every time.

Singer, crackhead, hottie dead-man-walkin’ Amy Winehouse has smoked so much crack that she has emphysema – a disease usually relegated to lifelong chain-smoking coal miners.

Amy Winehouse, who has been hospitalized and undergoing tests after collapsing, is suffering the early stages of emphysema, her father says.

“With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up,” Mitch Winehouse tells the Sunday Mirror in the U.K. “There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She’s got 70 percent lung capacity.” (PEOPLE)

I’m no psychologist but I think it’s safe to say that Amy Winehouse loves drugs. She loves drugs like Christians love Jesus and little kids love puppies. I think if you asked Amy Winehouse to chew off her own leg or stop smoking crack for a half day she would say, “Can I get some Lowry’s? Because nothing brings out the flavor of leg like some Lowry’s seasoning salt.” It’s true.

A videotape of Angelina doing mounds of drugs back in the 90′s is reportedly being shopped around to the highest bidder.

A source tells the National Enquirer the tape shows Jolie, before she was famous, taking drugs with friends.

The actress has admitted using hard drugs in the past. She once said, “I’ve done coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD everything. I hate heroin because I’ve been fascinated with it. I’m not immune, but I won’t do it now, at all.” However, video proof could damage her career and reputation as a charity campaigner.

“The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, ‘Wow, this is really good smack – not that cheap crap that’s been stepped on.’ Angelina is seen sniffing white lines from a plate, and then as the drug cooks on tinfoil, she deeply sucks in its smoke through a tube.” (Starpulse)

To be fair, drugs are actually pretty cool. I mean, all the cool kids do them, they make you feel good and sometimes they even get you laid. So all in all, I’d say that Sgt. McGruff is just a dick. What the fuck does he know? He’s a dog for God’s sake. In a trench coat.