This is Audrina Patridge trying on bikinis. [I thought that you weren't allowed to do that because your junk touches the fabric? Note to self: NEVER try on bikini before washing]. And why wouldn’t Audrina Partridge buy a new bikini? She’s a hot chick with big tits and that’s pretty much all she does for the world. Of all the vapid bitches on the completely scripted and made-up show, The Hills, Audrina Patridge is the least unlikable. She’s got great tits and she likes to get her picture taken in bikinis (and naked) which makes her a hero in 42 countries and three island nations. What she doesn’t do is try to sell clothes, or merchandise, or endorsements or be smart. Which is why I’m pretty sure that I’m going to marry her for a while.

Maybe it’s the holidays, or maybe I’m getting a little drunk this morning, but Britney’s rack is making me tingle. I know I’ve ripped her in the past, but the way she looks now, I would tear that shit up like a raccoon in a metal trashcan. There’s just something that’s white hot about a ragged out former teen beauty queen with two kids and a loser ex-husband, but then again I was born in trailer park.The thing that really puts the frosting on my Red Velvet is that she’s on lockdown from her kids. No strings, baby. I gotta let my Freebird Fly.

This is Lake Bell in LA at the Women’s Health “Go Green For Good” where she and Chelsea Handler hosted an “eco-chic soiree” and talked about other made-up words that marketers come up with to get money from rich people.

Women’s Health magazine Editorial Director David Zinczenko, and Vice President/Publisher, Mary Murcko, alongside the Environmental Media Association (EMA) announced today that their year-long Generation Environment (gen e) events series will continue with an eco-chic soiree “GREEN FOR GOOD.” Hosted by actress Lake Bell (What Happens In Vegas, Over Her Dead Body) and comedian Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately), the green-themed gathering will raise awareness about the environment among influential consumers, young Hollywood trendsetters and the Women’s Health magazine and online audience. The soiree, hosted in conjunction with presenting sponsor Aveda and PŪR Water Filtration Systems – two amazingcompanies that are helping to lead the charge in environmental responsibility – Aveda and PUR [took] place on October 23, 2008 at the Sunset Tower Hotel in Los Angeles. (Womens Health)

Lake Bell is like six feet tall and is wearing fucking culottes, but I still want to tackle her and wrestle the shit out of her. Not in a misogynistic kind of way – in a Clash of Titans kind of way.

Hey remember when I posted pictures of Lake Bell naked? Me too!

This is Jessica Simpson showing off her rack new fragrance at Dillard’s in Dallas. She can call it a “fragrance” all she wants, but even after all these years she’s still just a big titted blond slinging perfume at the local mall. She still looks great, but the new round of virginal pre-fab hotties are 10 years younger than her, and even at 15 make Jessica seem ancient by comparison. Maybe next time I’m at Dillard’s she can recommend a nice fragrance for one of my girlfriends or direct me to the MAC counter on her way out to lunch in the food court. Did you see the new bra’s at Cache? I know, right?

Sex Panther links….

• S.S. Rachelle Leah Playboy Pics
• Heidi Klum Almost Has an Upskirt While Miley Watches of the Day
• Ashley Tisdale @ “High School Musical 3″ Premiere in L.A. | The Bastardly
• Whitney Port Does “The City.” Or Is it “CitK?”
• Jolie Admits She is a Home Wrecker | Allie Is Wired -
• Simon Cowell Leads People Into Depression
• Gyllenspoon Spice Up Sex Life with Filthy, Scandalous Underpants
• Katy Hits the Floor — And You’ll Like It – TMZ.com
• Julianne Hough – 2008 American Music Awards

Jenny McCarthy is reporting that she has cured her son of Autism, a puzzling disease that until Jenny’s sorcery had no known cause or cure. Stars. They’re just like us! Except way better.

Despite criticism from the American Academy of Pediatrics, Jenny McCarthy says she helped her son, Evan, recover from autism.

The actress – who believes the MMR vaccine was to blame for her son’s diagnosis – says a strict no wheat-and-dairy-free diet has changed her son from a quiet little boy who used to flail his arms around to a loving six-year-old.

“Before the vaccination, he was huggy, lovey, snuggly,” she says in the newest issue of Us Weekly. “Then it was like someone came down and stole him.” (Us)

I remember getting vaccinated as a kid and let me tell you, I was pretty pouty afterwards. My mom said we were going to Chucky Cheese for a special dinner and boy was I surprised when I ended up working in a shoe factory for 12 years. Come to think of it… maybe I didn’t get vaccinated after all.

To show my respect for Jenny’s little brat, I’m posting some sexy pictures of his mom. Wait, no. I’m doing that because I’m a dick. More naked Jenny in the NSFW section, too.

Hm. What happened this summer? This is Mila Kunis on the set of her new movie Extract. I didn’t go to film school but this is already shaping up to be the best movie ever made. It’s got action, three dimensional character arcs, excellent cinematography and lighting, and probably a good soundtrack. How can I tell that from just a picture? Well technically I can’t, Fellini, so why don’t take your stupid striped shit and beret and go shoot a boring black-and-white scene with no dialogue and under-expose it to make it look artsy. Besides, staring down Mila Kunis’ shirt is going to warm the hearts of millions prove that: IN A WORLD where  you’ve given up on finding love, you may find that it was there all along – standing right beside you when you needed it most. [Cue the best friends become lovers montage].

[More Mila]

These scans of Marisa Miller are old and grainy like a Hustler Magazine that you used to find in the woods by your house. Which is why moldy paper and grainy pictures still give you a hard on. It’s in our DNA. There’s an inate drive in all humans to go to the woods to find wet rotting porn. Who leaves that shit there? Is it a right of passage that urges young men headed off to college to leave their skin mags in the forest for the next generation? Or was it just the creepy next door neighbor with all the adopted Asian kids jerking his junk in the woods? Whoever it was had a prediliction for loose-lipped ladies which kind of messed me up the first time I saw vazhe in person.

Here’s Marisa Miller grainy as hell in Malibu, a magazine for rich white people who have stuff that you don’t.

Rachel Leigh Cook is cute as button on silk scarf on a 2 week old kitten. Here she is in Malibu totally not posing for these *ahem* candids in Malibu. The forgotten beach that no paparazzi have ever heard of. Maybe she has a movie coming out soon?

• FRENCH VOLLEYBALL BIKINI DANCERS!
• Elizabeth Hurley @ 2008 GQ Men of the Year Awards | The Bastardly
• Miranda kerr needs a nose job
• America’s Next Top Model 11: Space Camp!: Celebrity Gossip With a Light Beer Aftertaste
• Come on Down, David Spade — You’re a BabyDaddy! | CandyKirby.com
• Daniel Radcliffe Deflowered by Older Woman, Amy Byrne | Allie Is Wired
• Kim Kardashian To Add Another Hyphen To Her List of “Talents”

Bam! Jennifer Connelly and her amazing cleavage are hotter than a brick shithouse in a super ’80’s leopard shirt and leather pants at a premier. I don’t think her rack has been this fabulous since Career Opportunities. While most young Hollywood starlets starve themselves and get their first nip/tuck before they even legally vote, Jennifer Connelly is 37 years old, and has been busy being fucking beautiful. Maybe all those young  actresses can learn an important lesson from Jennifer Connelly: “It’s okay to not be the hottest chick in the room. Somebody has to do it. Fatty.”

Update: Smartypants hottie Jenna, noticed that these are few years old. I stand by my claims. I said good day, sir.

Wow. It’s like Gossip Girl central around here this week. First, it was news that Leighton Meester’s mom was caged heat and had Leighton while in custody for drug running and Blake Lively is making news with her salacious rack after leaving a David Letterman appearance. Okay that’s nowhere near as cool as being born in jail, but it has way more cleavage. Blake is just 21, so she’s got a good 3-5 years of not having to wear a bra until she’ll have to strap those babies in a nice Playtex underwire, but till then we say “let ‘em stay free, Ponyboy”. Has anyone seen Gossip Girl? It’s supposedly the highest rated show on cable behind Mad Men but I have yet to see an episode. Maybe it comes on at the same time as How It’s Made. PS. I’m never eating Pringles again.