Can I borrow a towel? My car hit a water buffalo.

This is Maria Fowler a “glamour model”. Glamour Model is British for “loikes ta show ‘er tits, Guv’nah”. I’m not sure what they feed these chicks but it apparently grows awesomely perfect breasts and blocks the proclivity to wear shirts. It’s like a combination of fried fish, Guinness and angel semen.

Hard hitting news anchor. Wait, that's just my cock.

If you’ve ever spent any time in the Nutmeg State, then you’ve probably wanked it to heard about supemodel hot, news anchor babe Sonia Baghdady. A quick search in trusty Wikipedia shows that she was born in 1975, and:

She earned an Emmy Award for “Outstanding Achievement in Soft News Series,” an Emmy nomination for “Outstanding Service Report,” and two Associated Press Awards. She was also nominated in 2008 for an Emmy award for “Outstanding Achievement” as an anchor.The New Haven Business times recently listed Sonia as one of “20 Noteworthy Women” in the community. She was also voted best local TV reporter in the state by the readers of “Connecticut Magazine” and as one of the top local TV personalities by the New Haven Advocate

That’s amazing! Did you know that Connecticut is called the “the Constitution State, not because of the the US Constitution, but because of the Fundamental Orders – the first recognized constitution in North America? Hahaha. Like yo’re reading this far.

And by warmer, I mean boner.

Evelyn Taft is our favorite SF Bay area news hottie. She grew up speaking Russian in the Bay Area, according to her bio, and I’d love to hear her whisper lubovnik in my ear while we lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a crackling fire sipping honeyed vodka. But I digress…

Besides being a super smart smartie meteorologist, Evelyn has great assets as a newscaster. And by assets I mean, OMG huge titties! We’re missing her since she moved down to LA, although she is dressing a little more tawdry professional now that’s she’s down there. Here’s hoping she comes to work in a low slung tank top.

Here’s a video of Evelyn and her sweater pups.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Does anyone have a moist towelette?

Man, if there’s one thing I love it’s naked women. Especially naked British women with huge natural boobs and a landing stripped vajajay. So, can anyone tell me WTF happened here? I mean, I still have a boner, but I have an urge to sniff Pine-Sol and that makes me confused. Fucking photographers. Leave to an “artist” to fuck up and spank-bankable naked women in a photoshoot. This kind of reminds me of that time your mom went crazy got naked and tried to kill me. Except that was my mom. Ok, boner is officially gone. I need a tissue.

"You look mighty cute in them jeans..."

Apparently, Lindsay Lohan couldn’t keep her nose clean during probation and has failed her mandatory drug test. This means she may face prison time…oh who the fuck am I kidding. She could snort coke from the canoed skull of a her own aborted fetus and drive her car right up the LA County Courthouse steps at lunchtime wearing the skin of murdered runaway teen as a jacket and she’d still never see the inside of a prison again. You see, rich people get to do what they want, and people like you and me get to murder hate them.

We’re told the court-mandated drug test in question occurred last week. According to the terms of Lindsay’s probation, she will get 30 days in jail for a positive drug test.

One source connected with Lindsay tells TMZ … “People with addiction problems don’t get better magically, and she’s really been making an effort to make herself better.” (via TMZ)

So apparently Fornarina, makes clothing for the jockey lot. Howwwwwwwwwwl!

Who wants tacos?

Jessica Alba recently told USA Today that she normally shies away from Latina roles, [like housekeeper, stripper, stripper housekeeper, vampire stripper housekeeper, teenage mom, teenage mom stripper housekeeper- Ed.] but she took the role of the sharp tongued, gritty INS agent in film Machete because the character was “an intelligent, fierce, independent woman”. Butter my tacos,  Joo Ess Aye Today.

“For me, I never wanted to reinforce any stereotypes about Latin women, and that was why I’ve shied away from Latin characters I’ve been offered. Most of them reinforced the stigmas. The women whom I grew up with are intelligent, strong women, and unless I read a woman being portrayed that way in a film, I didn’t want to play it.” (via)

I think its great that Yessica is standing up for her principles like that and not reinforcing stereotypes. I was just talking to Consuela, my teen housekeeper about this the other day. She totally nodded while we were talking. I think I’ll buy her daughter that pinata she’s been asking for.

Horizontal stripes are not slimming on those babies.

Sofia Vergara has been getting a lot of press these days because of the Emmy win for Modern Family and because of her gigantic Columbian boobies. This is Sofia out and about in LA proving that she can look sexy in that dress that your girlfriend wears and thinks is hot because it’s so thin and sheer, but her ass looks huge and you just want to stay in the car and listen to NPR a little longer and scrunch way down when she goes into 7-11 to get Pringles and Tampax. Go Emmys!

Here’s more Sofia Vergara and her Sabado Gigantes:

VROOM VROOM! I’m a racer…

This is Kim Kardashian dressed ridiculously at some promotion for some asinine product that WOW playahs will be pouring over their man tits after they get the 20th degree nerd fatty badge in the enchanted forest. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for senseless cleavage and Armenian DSL’s, but I’m still confused as to why this chick is famous. Let’s ask her…

Fatback Media: So K-Kard, nice tits B.tha.dub… So Kimbo, why are you so famous?

Kim Kard: Well, first of all my daddy helped free a murderer, then um, oh yeah I sucked that dude’s pole on a Vivid ™ video. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Kim Kardashian Superstar ™? (All Rights Reserved)

FM: I’m sure I have no idea..

KK: Also, I was naked in Playboy, which you know is like, a HUGE honor.

FM: Yeah, that’s what they tell me. But don’t you feel like you’re just exploiting yourself at the expense your self respect…Bwahahahah, I’m just fucking with you. Let’s see them titties!

KK: …

FM: I’ve got some blow and a Flip camera…

KK: [ziiiiiip.....]

There you have it folks. Truly one of our generation’s greatest heroes. *makes motorboat noise*

This is Audrina Patridge trying on bikinis. [I thought that you weren't allowed to do that because your junk touches the fabric? Note to self: NEVER try on bikini before washing]. And why wouldn’t Audrina Partridge buy a new bikini? She’s a hot chick with big tits and that’s pretty much all she does for the world. Of all the vapid bitches on the completely scripted and made-up show, The Hills, Audrina Patridge is the least unlikable. She’s got great tits and she likes to get her picture taken in bikinis (and naked) which makes her a hero in 42 countries and three island nations. What she doesn’t do is try to sell clothes, or merchandise, or endorsements or be smart. Which is why I’m pretty sure that I’m going to marry her for a while.

Maybe it’s the holidays, or maybe I’m getting a little drunk this morning, but Britney’s rack is making me tingle. I know I’ve ripped her in the past, but the way she looks now, I would tear that shit up like a raccoon in a metal trashcan. There’s just something that’s white hot about a ragged out former teen beauty queen with two kids and a loser ex-husband, but then again I was born in trailer park.The thing that really puts the frosting on my Red Velvet is that she’s on lockdown from her kids. No strings, baby. I gotta let my Freebird Fly.