Hayden Panettiere is one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood and is probably the hottest chick on tv. I don’t like the show Heroesbecause it is for science fiction geeks, but I still like seeing Hayden Panettiere at every chance I get. Hayden has been spending a lot of time in her bikini recently, which I am grateful for, but that also means she is showing off her tattoo.

The problem with that is, it is misspelled. The tattoo itself reads, “Vivere senza rimipianti” which is “to live without regrets” in Italian. The problem is, the word “rimipianti” should be “rimpianti”. There is an extra “i” in there. Basically, Hayden got the tattoo to show she is edgy and she failed horribly at it. She should probably just stick to lollipops and sugar cookies and keep being the sweet little hot self that she is.

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Miley Cyrus hit up the beach in the Bahamas this weekend. There is a story here but this post is basically just an excuse to post pictures of her in a bikini. After she noticed the paparazzi snapping pics of her, she took the issue to Twitter and said, ” Talk all you want. i have my flaws. im a normal girl theres thing about my body that i would change but stop calling me f*t in post. i don’t…even like the word. those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words.”

Aww. Disney isn’t letting her use the word fat. If they are fighting words then Miley better get ready to kick some paparazzi/hater ass. She will probably just cower behind daddy’s crotch and let her parents do the fighting since she is a minor. Afterward she basically said that f*t people are beautiful and then like a schizo going through a personality changed realized she was “hating” on skinny people. She envoked Nicole Richie’s name and said she liked her figure.

So in Miley’s mind it is either morbidly obese or malnourishedly skinny. To be honest I don’t really care what Miley thinks and I have already forgotten what she said cause I am distracted by jailbait in a bikini. Now if I can just explain these pics to my parole officer when he checks my comp for contraband.

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There are 77 days until spring and, honestly, I’m counting the seconds and freezing my balls off. That’s why it warms my heart to see spoiled rich girls like Kristin Cavallari [Ed. note: OMG her ass is perfect. -F] in skimpy bikinis prancing around Malibu while the rest of us dig our cars out of the snow. Am I bitter? No. I’m too cold to be bitter. Too cold and too full of the heavenly spirit of the Lord. The only thing better than a spoiled hot rich-bitch frolicking in Malibu while our economy fails and we wage expensive wars in the desert would be if Kristin Cavallari would sleep with me. And give me $2500.00 US dollars. Yes. Yes, I think the world would be a much better place then. (images)

Shalom Harlow is BAILING under that watermark. This may seem weird, because you know how I hate watermarked images. But just bear with me. [Ed. note. I originally typed 'just bare with me', which of course you can feel free to do as well, you naughty bird]. Anyway, this is Shalom Harlow, tall skinny supermodel hottie attempting to surf and making her awww ain’t it cute factor go way, way up.

This is Audrina Patridge trying on bikinis. [I thought that you weren't allowed to do that because your junk touches the fabric? Note to self: NEVER try on bikini before washing]. And why wouldn’t Audrina Partridge buy a new bikini? She’s a hot chick with big tits and that’s pretty much all she does for the world. Of all the vapid bitches on the completely scripted and made-up show, The Hills, Audrina Patridge is the least unlikable. She’s got great tits and she likes to get her picture taken in bikinis (and naked) which makes her a hero in 42 countries and three island nations. What she doesn’t do is try to sell clothes, or merchandise, or endorsements or be smart. Which is why I’m pretty sure that I’m going to marry her for a while.

Irish Rock singer Bono and his chum Simon Carmody (of Golden Horde) took time off in the French Riveira this week to reflect on their charity work, take in the sites and even squeezed in time to  bang a few teenage girls. The girls were discreet enough to keep it to themselves and only the 350 million other people on Facebook. I love teenagers!

The Irishmen met up with two 19-year-olds, American fashion student Andrea Feick and her British friend Hannah Emerson, in the playboys’ playground of St Tropez.

Miss Feick told The Mail on Sunday she had known Bono for a few years but insisted their relationship had never crossed the line beyond friendship.

She said: ‘I think that for somebody who’s much older than I am… no thank you.

‘No…God no!’ she laughed. ‘God no! He’s a friend of mine and that’s pretty much it. I’m not going to get into details, but it’s a small world.’

Miss Feick excitedly announced the trip in one public message [on Facebook] to her friend, saying: ‘So Bono and Simon called me yesterday and they arrived in Cannes today, so looks like we’ll have a plan! ’ (Daily Mail)

It’s nice to see that Bono can still get some premium ass even at his old age. It really makes you feel good for all the other old, disgustingly rich, narcissistic assholes of the world. You know they need love too! Nineteen year old  Andrea never really comes out and says she has a relationship with Bono, but let’s take a look at the subtext… If you’ll notice Andrea signed off her Facebook comment with the emoticon -  which means “smiley face!” or “I’m happy!” or “I fucked Bono!”. So yeah, she’s probably just buds with him.

This is Megan Fox shooting a spread for the new GQ. Wonder what it’s like to wake up as the hottest chick on earth? I used to ask your mom that. What a whore! There is a video for this (LINK) but I wouldn’t click it at work unless you don’t mind spontaneously fondling your junk at your cubicle. I personally have no problem with it. But somebody needs to get their cute little ass back into the HR office and stop judging.

OMFG UPDATE: So apparently this GQ article reports that Megan Fox got freaky with girl.  A RUSSIAN STRIPPER NAMED NIKITA.

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided – oh man, sorry, mommy! – that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop,” Fox said. “I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.”

Fox said Nikita would do “these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads.” She added that she would bring the Russian stripper gifts and try to inspire her to quit her line of work.

Despite the relationship, Fox said she does not identify herself as gay.

“Look, I’m not a lesbian,” she went on. “I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes.

“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl – Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands,” she continued. “She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but … oh boy.” (US)

If you’ll excuse me, I just fucking died.

See the video here and be prepared to prematurely lose your junk.

Labor Day was so awesome that my server got drunk and posted a link post from last god damn week. Sweet. Also, I went a themed wedding in New England where we had to wear costumes and get drunker than a Kennedy during prohibition. I sure hope they find the dead chick in the water. People don’t forget. Anyway. I fixed the link post from the ghost of server’s past with some serviceable pics of Britney Spears in Vegas at a topless pool looking super F’able. I would tear that shit up like a raccoon in a garbage can. Just sayin’. I have a thing for busted up chicks with low self esteem.

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Apologies to Willie, but having a cowboy as your hero is a little uh… YMCA for me.

Here’s Heroes star Ali Larter gettin’ her cowgirl on down in the ‘bu. Malibu has become The Ivy if southern California beaches. What was once the rich person’s private getaway is now the place for the Heidi Montag’s of the world to cavort in the ubiquitous bikini sporting the “Whaaa…? A photographer?? WHERE?!?!?” look. I digress..

Ali Larter is an American Hero of slender, sinewy muscular proportions. Here’s how to take a regular hot chick and make her a hero. Add 2 or more of the following:

1. Cowboy hat (worn ironically of course)
2. bikini
3. 1-3 dogs (one of which must be adorably ugly)
4. Water
5. All of the above in my apartment (minus the ugly dog)

More Ali heroically emerging from the mighty pacific. PS. Nice shave.

Kim Kardashian is confusing me. First she had triple decker badonkadonk and now she looks smoking hot in these totally not staged bikini shots in Cabo. Either the photographer is a genius or something has changed. My penis and I have two questions:

1. Was it a wizard?
2. Was it a worm hole?

Either way the scientific community will be all ears about this mystery at the press conference. Also a mystery: the origins of my sexy dance moves. I love the night life. I got ta boogie. It’s true.