NSFW - Fatback Media

See what I did there? I wrote a salacious headline that may have no basis in fact whatsoever, but validated it (and saved an attorney a few keystrokes) by adding the question mark. So, what would have been a possible libelous thrashing, now becomes a point of discussion by inquiring minds. Journalism.

ANYWAY.

US Weekly has put the other tabloids on notice with their new cover: “Hollywood A-List Nip/Tuck Did They or Didn’t They?” Besides having a sweet question mark, they say that they have scooped the other trash rags with a story that will blow the lid off the seedy plastic surgery underworld for once and for all.

Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Raj Kanodia - who has fixed the noses of Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz - estimates that 60 percent of Hollywood women undergo some type of procedure.

As more celebs like Ashley Tisdale admit to going under the knife, and others like Scarlett Johansson speak openly about a topic once off-limits (”I definitely believe in plastic surgery,” she said last year. “I don’t want to be an old hag. There’s no fun in that”), Us consulted top Hollywood surgeons to see which stars may have transformed their looks.

Scarlett Johannson was none too happy about this and got her lawyer to do the only thing that can be done in these situations: call another tabloid and give them a scoop!

“I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against US Weekly.”

Also from Scarlett(’s Lawyer)

“US Weekly’s cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication,” reads a statement from her rep, exclusively to OK!

Smack down! Also, I don’t think I have ever really looked at Scarlett Johansson’s nose because she’s a beautiful talented actress who has hopes and dreams and sorrows just like anyone else. And a huge rack. Yeah maybe it’s the huge rack. What?

According to the people at People, ScarJo is dating RyReyn. That’s paparazzi talk for: Scarlett Johansson is banging another dude who happens to not be me. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett were seen canoodling (more gossip lingo!) in NYC this week. At least it’s not Josh I comb my hair with a dead oil spill duck Hartnett.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds spent a busy weekend in New York City together.

On Saturday night, the pair were seen getting close at the Manhattan restaurant Odeon. “They were in a good mood,” says one eyewitness who saw them laughing and smiling.

“They were definitely holding hands,” says another observer. “They were a cute couple!” (source)

Scarlett has been linked with a lot (A LOT) of people lately which makes think she may be a slight whore. Not in a bad way though. In the, eventually she’ll make it around to me kind of way. The fact that Scarlett is premium heat, notwithstanding, I can see why Ryan Reynolds wants to go out with her. He was engaged for 2 years to a self righteous, sanctimonious wannabe activist who was actually a sellout Debbie Gibson wannabe who gave Dave Coulier a blow job at the movies. Cut. It. Out.

I don’t really see what Scarlett sees in Ryan. Besides the money, handsome face, chiseled superhero physique, and snarky sense of humor, what does he really have have? There’s more to life than just good looks, money and hot chicks. Wait, no. No, there really isn’t. More Scarlett and one for you ladies. I’m all about equality. And boobies. Whatever.

Twenty year old hottie Scarlett Johansson is reportedly the reason that Justin Tmberlake split with his girlfriend of several years Cameron Diaz (34). The rift was allegedly caused by Justin’s casting of Scarlett in his new video for “What Goes Around”.

“Scarlett has always liked Justin. They’ve always had a flirtation – that’s why Cameron was threatened by her.”

With good reason. The decision to cast the 20-year-old as the video vixen pushed Timberlake’s relationship with Diaz to the breaking point, and paved the way for Johansson to move in for the kill.

“She could not believe he went behind her back to put her in the video,” says a Timberlake pal. “Cameron was very jealous of Scarlett.” (source)

Two things. First. Greasy peel, Josh Hartnett will not be defiling Scarlett anymore with fumbling half-assed attempts at “Tantra”. This makes me happy for some reason. Second, Justin Timberlake just made the second of two really good upgrades from Britney Spears. Justin just dumped a Charlie’s Angel to date Scarlett Johansson, one of the hottest women on the planet while Britney continues her transformation from pre-baby teen nubile hotness into a post-babies bucket of Breakstone Cottage Cheese. Speaking of white trash, here’s a photographer’s ridiculous idea of trailer trash using Scarlett Johansson. She has all her teeth, dude? And her 16 year old daughter isn’t there with her twins and 2 black eyes? Idiot.

I’m not what you’d call a style critic, but I am absolutely sure that’s the worst dress ever made. The person that designed it apparently hates beautiful women with sexy curves. Oh, this dress has curves, but in all the wrong spots. It’s really kind of mean. Even in a bad dress which obviously was designed to carry pork loins in the mid-section, Scarlett Johansson’s rack is the star of the show. Her breasts are like the human spirit. Even in the darkest hour they shine through reminding us all that there is still hope. There is still hope.

Super hot Scarlett Johansson was honored with Esquire’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Award and she will grace the pages of the upcoming mid-October issue of the fashion magazine. The magazine decided to take a different approach with the photo-shoot and go for a decidely non-glamorous look.

On the cover, she wears a bra and a white Calvin Klein mini-dress; In a series of photos inside (showing her as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress,” the magazine says), she wears cleavage-baring black lingerie paired with an open white robe, among other get-ups. (source)

The subject was purposely obfuscated in these pictures because Esquire was running a “who is she?” campaign at Esquire.com in order to generate buzz for the issue. First of all, I think my penis speaks for for everyone when I say that we called that one from the start. I’m rarely ever wrong about a great rack or a great ass. Although, there was that tall chick with the big adam’s apple at that Mexican Cowboy bar in San Jose. Turns out Juan is NOT a nickname for Juanita. Tequila is anti-bacterial, right?

Scarlett Johansson recently told Life & Style Magazine that she likes her womanly curves and doesn’t aspire to be ridiculously skinny like other girls in Hollywood; even going so far as to admit that she doesn’t always watch what she eats (like Snickers bars) to keep her figure.

“I’m curvy – I’m never going to be 5′ 11″ and 120 pounds,” she says. “But I feel lucky to have what I’ve got.”

The 21-year-old Black Dahlia star says her favorite indulgence is a slice of veggie pizza and a Diet Coke or a wedge of homemade key lime pie (she loves baking). A typical dinner is Chinese takeout: “A little white rice, a little chicken, some egg drop soup …”
(source)

It’s really refreshing to see such a naturally beautiful woman have that attitude and feel comfortable with her body the way Scarlett does. Of course it’s easy to not exercise and eat like shit when you’re 21 and look like you were carved from Italian marble. Unfortunately, there’s something that Scarlett doesn’t know about yet. It’s called turning 25. At 25, all that shit you’ve been eating starts to hang around and get comfortable on places like your ass and your thighs and pretty soon those stretch pants don’t seem like such a good idea. And all the tantric sex in the world won’t do a god damn thing. Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale realized this early and that’s why they work every day to be fit, yet maintain their curves. I’m not saying that Scarlett needs to start working out, I’m saying that I only date girls who are under 25. Call me ladies.

Scarlett Johansson’s ex-boyfriend Jack Antonoff is not happy with her and he has immortalized this in a new song by his band The Steel Train. The song reportedly mentions Scarlett by name.

The Steel Train singer accuses the lost in Translation beauty her of letting fame go to her head.

He even names her in the song Better Love: “This girl had it kinda sweet / Till fame swept her off her feet / She sees nothing she did before / Hey, Scarlett, you’re not the same.” (source)

That Jack Antonoff is wickedly manly. He really showed her. Writing a song about the girl who dumped you in order to get her back or make her pay is about the most flaccid, unrealistic way to get a girl back. It has no passion. It has no flair. I prefer to kidnap her family as a show of my undying devotion. See! See how much I love you? Once they’re all taped up they can’t laugh at you for wearing her dresses anymore. Who’s laughing now, dad?

TMZ is reporting that Scarlett Johannson was named the #1 in FHM’s Top 100 Sexiest Women in the World reader poll. I don’t ever read magazines like FHM, Blender, Stuff, etc because of their insane policy of Photoshopping the nipples out of the photos. I like my models airbrushed yet fully anatomically correct - just like at my sex parties.

FHM has announced a list of the “100 Sexiest Women in the World” for 2006 according to their readers. This year’s big-screen siren, Scarlett Johansson, tops the list. Other hotties on the podium include Angelina Jolie, coming in second place, and Jessica Alba, who ranked third. Next in line is Jessica Simpson, followed respectively by Keira Knightley, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Maria Sharapova, Carmen Electra, and Teri Hatcher.(source)

Although, most of the ladies mentioned above have made into one or more of my screenplays, I think the list is a mess as is its message. All women are sexy, in their own way. The sexiest woman in the world should be judged on her personality, her intellect and her contribution to society, oh and her huge rack.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly doesn’t like Scarlett Johannson. Lindsay has been hanging out with party girl Kate Moss again and they reportedly pulled a late one last night which
included scrawling epithets about Scarlett Johannson on a bathroom stall and lesbian pole dancing at Scores. [warning: there will be several gratuitous drug references throughout this post. Try to count 'em!]

From Gawker:

“We hear that last night at about 11:30, none other than Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss sauntered into the Dark Room during the Tarts of Pleasure DJ set. Apparently the BFFs were looking for a venue where they
wouldn’t be noticed, so Last Year’s Favorite Blow Bar seemed an
appropriate choice for two “recovered” drug users. The ladies stayed
there for the remainder of the night (presumably because they love
hanging out with folks like Carlos D and My Chemical Romance); over the
course of the evening, Lohan expressed her fondness for Gang of Four
while Moss laid low and acted model-like.

Here’s where it gets more interesting: While in the bathroom, Lohan
allegedly asked if anyone had a Sharpie. A fellow patron actually
happened to have one and handed it over to Lohan, who then used it to
scrawl “Scarlett is a cunt” on the wall. Well done, Cap’n Discreet.”

So a couple of key bumps* in the loo, and the claws come out, huh? I have no idea why Lindsay is so upset with Scarlett Johannson. Unless it’s the fact that Scarlett wasn’t a ragged out coke whore* desperate for attention at 19. The reasons that Scarlett remains on my top 10 list are the main reasons Lindsay does not. As a clinical psychologist, I learned that the perfect woman will always posses this trait: the badonkadonk. Scarlett has it. Lindsay looks like she has a bad case of noassitol. Little tip to the LA party girls: The crack-head skeleton* look is not trendy, even if your bandanna is Fendi. But I digress…

The fun didn’t stop there. According to Page Six the ski buddies* then they rode the rails of the crazy train* to Scores; which I am told is some sort of Adult Entertainment Establishment(?).

Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss joined
forces at Scores strip club early yesterday morning to put on a steamy
pole-dance show for 400 slack-jawed male patrons, PAGE SIX has learned.

Lohan, Moss and a couple of female friends swanned into the Upper
East Side mammary mecca at about 2:45 a.m. and headed straight for the
legendary Champagne Room, where the giggly group ordered round after
round of vodka shots, raspberry Kamikazes and beer.

Their
table was immediately swarmed by strippers and Lohan and Moss enjoyed
numerous lap dances. But the fun really started when Moss jumped on the
stage nearest the main bar and began grinding against a pole, much to
the delight of hundreds of red-blooded banker types.

“Kate was
going wild,” a witness told us. “After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on
stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around
each other’s waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just
acting like strippers. The crowd was cheering them on the whole time.
They didn’t take off any clothes, but it was very hot.”

“They were both running in and out of the ladies’
room a lot,” [a witness] recalled. “I saw when it was just Lindsay dancing
solo and Kate was yelling, ‘You’re a pro, Lindsay! You should do this
for a living!’

Ok. So they are starting to win me over. But still. It’s obvious that they are still craving the white* and chopping some lines* in their adventures. Ok you know what? I can’t stop. {deep breath}

They’re queens of the snow like the Chronicles of Narnia. (that Chronic, What? Cles of Narnia), they got so many keys you think they’re valet parking, they like a sprinkle of that booger sugar, they like-a da cocaína, they got a rail pass to snowville, they’re down with jerry, they wanna get geeked, catch a drip, get the drain, do a bump, do a line, do a rail, smell the powder, carve the soap, catch a date with the white lady, roll a benjamin, snort that shit and pack their noses with columbian gold. {Whew} Ok. I think I’m done. Did I forget any?