NSFW - Fatback Media

Rumors are afoot that sexy southern hotness Reese Witherspoon is leaving LA and moving to Charleston SC with her two children. Reese is adorably southern and Charleston is adorably quaint. And her accent? OMG. I feel like hugging a little wrinkly puppy while dancing in a field of poppies, y’all.

Thoroughly disgusted with both marriage and Hollywood, Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon believes firmly in her Southern roots. She has taken her children and moved to Charleston, S.C. Both kids are said to be in public school there. (source)

I’m glad to see Reese is getting back to her southern roots and coming back down to live with her people. Charleston is hip, yet refined, historic without being stodgy and didn’t get ruined in a hurricane last year. Win-win. It’s also dripping with co-eds who are more than eager to welcome you with acts of southern hospitality. Holla back COC & MUSC! Welcome home Reese. We’ll swing by with some mac & cheese and potato salad to get you all settled in.

According to the always up in your shit TMZ.com, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe have split up. Details, as usual, are as sketchy as the guy in the greasy cardigan sweater with leather patches on the elbows who hangs out in the library near the bathroom. So far the actual reason for the split was not released.

The couple’s rep released a statement to TMZ Monday morning that says “We are saddened to announce that Reese & Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.” (source)

I try not to get into people’s business very much because Jesus doesn’t like a gossip. Or whores. Or Gossipy whores. However, since I will soon be making aggressive, yet attentive and sweet love to one of the parties involved in this story it’s actually my business too. I already have my sexy moves all worked out. And before you fellas break out the faux tiger skin rugs and aroma therapy candles, I’m talking about Reese. Although I did look hot as a sexy cowboy in my ass-less chaps at a Halloween party over the weekend, if I do say so myself. Buns of steel. Buns. Of. Steel.

Afternoon links! It’s Monday and the week already sucks. Stop working and kill the rest of the day reading internet gold.

Hayden Panittierre is still jailbait, so that makes you a dirty perv. (The Bastardly)

Fergie’s song London Bridge is apparently a reference to a group sex position. I wonder if she’s heard of Rodeo style? (Yeeeah)

Christina Aguilera in October JANE. How long till I post these myself? (INO)

Reese Witherspoon + Cake = Super yummy. (Smart)

For the ladies. LOST and Sawyer are returning in nine days. The square root of 9 is 3, which is a prime number. LOST comes on at 9, which is PRIMEtime. Coincidence? Huh? HUH? Math rulez. (Bumpshack)

Jesus H Martinez! See the MySpace showdown between JM and some DJ who may be gay. His text siggy is 2 turntables and a mixer. CLEVER! (DrunkenStepfather)

Steven Tyler has Hepatits C. Which is just slightly classier than Hepatitis B. (Gossip or truth)

It’s Spankin’ Free Music Week at MTV. Head over and check out all the new goodness. (MTV)

Reece Witherspoon is not pregnant, according to her rep and these pictures of her at the beach. US Weekly had this:

After one publication which shall not be named mistakenly claimed Reese Witherspoon is preggo with her third child (her rep tells Us that the actress is not expecting), the Oscar winner put the rumors to rest when she showed off her hot bod at a Malibu beach on June 17.(source)

Reese Witherspoon is cute as can be, but she’s also sexy as hell. And don’t get me started on that accent. These pictures are further proof that having kids does not mean you abandon all hope of being sexy and attrative. Everyone loves a good MILF. Britney Spears, on the other hand is MIWNLF. (Figure it out). As a matter of fact, trying to compare Britney Spears to Reese Witherspoon is like trying to compare a tubby redneck slob to a sexy petite chick with an adorable accent. Wait. Yeah, that seems about right. Now if I can just photoshop that midget out of that photo, I can get started with my, um, research. Midgets are scary.

Thanks for all the emails, but I’m not dead from a coke overdose in the bedroom of some aristocratic debutante’s condo, I’m on vacation down south, bitches. I’m trying to get all the scoop on the new southern gossip and maybe create a little of my own. Posting will be erratic over the next few days because it’s hard for me to type posts into my PDA with a mint julep in one hand and a whole fried chicken in the other. Till I come back from my single malt Kentucky bourbon fueled psychosis, check out what’s going on around the Cotillion Hall.

Katie Holmes may be growing immune to the patented Scientology Mind Control (Glitterati)

Janet Jackson gets some of the best Photoshoppin’ I have ever seen. (Bricks and Stones)

Giada DiLaurentiis is the hottest hottie on the Food Network. Mmmm, a hottie that can cook too? That’s crazy!(The Bastardly)

Avril LaVigne stopped being a stupid punk wannabe and got herself smokin’ hot. Avril means April in French. I’m worldy so she should have sex with me. (IDLYITW)

Jennifer Ansiton is much hotter when she’s not whining about Brad Pitt. (In Case You Didn’t Know)

Last nights American Idol Recap where Katharine McPhee decided to not get naked, again. What a prude. I missed the show because I was dancing on the bar at Circa 1922 in Wilmington,NC. Kathie has the scoop and she’ll prolly live blog the finale tonight. (GMMR)

That’s about it. I’m heading back to muddle some more mint for my julep’s baby. Anyone who is in Wilmington keep a eye for me. I’ll put all my drinks on your tab. Mr. Underhill found out about that shit at the country club so I’m out of luck. See y’all!

Popsugar had these awesome photos of new mom Jennifer Garner before a taping of David Letterman that airs later this week. Jennifer Garner, who series Alias finishes up it’s five year run this week was somewhat reflective when asked about the show’s end.

“I feel very much like a college senior,” she said. “Kinda, ‘When will this ever end? I’m never going to get out of here!’ and at the same time, `Oh, don’t let it end. Who am I without it? I don’t want it to end! I love these people.’”(source)

Jennifer Garner couldn’t be any cuter if she was holding a basket full of pink bunnies that clucked like chickens and kittens with little wool hats on. Jennifer Garner is probably the cutest hot celebrity in Hollywood next to Reese Witherspoon. I think that if Jennifer Garner and Reese Witherspoon ever hung out and talked all southern and giggled to each other like, ” I KNOW, girl!” “I KNOW!”, it would be so cute that it would cure cancer. Here are some images of Jennifer going to the David Letterman show looking all Suth’n Sophisicate (source) and some images of Reese and Jennifer in New Orleans this close to “cute-ing” away Hurrcane Katrina’s shittiness.(source)

Rumors are circling the gossip dens about marriage troubles between Reese Witherspoon and her husband Ryan Phillippe, with whom she has two children. Of course, Reese’s camp has issued a denial, but insiders are saying that she may be planning to get pregnant again in order to strengthen her marriage.(source)

[A] new report says Reese will not give up and is planning to save her marriage possibly by having baby number three.

And a report says she’s willing to walk away from her $30 million a movie career if she has to.

Patricia Towle cites an insider that dishes, “Reese has achieved everything a woman could want except for a rock-solid marriage.”

The friend says. “She’s on cloud nine with her Oscar win, but she knows that her marriage could use strengthening. She’ll gladly put her career on hold because family matters most.”

I don’t think Reese Witherspoon could get any cuter even if she was lying in a spring meadow with two puppies with pink ribbons tied to their wittle heads. I literally don’t know if I would rather have sex her or have slumber party with her where she’s wearning a fluffy bathrobe and bunny slippers. We could have movie night and everything! Freeway kicked ass. That said, when will southern women realize that getting knocked up at the first sign of trouble is probably not the best way to hang on to a man? Children do not make a bad marriage better, they make it much, much worse- just ask Shar Jackson (or Britney Spears in 6 months). The decision to have children should be based on love and mutual respect or, if your like my mom, on the chance to visit that dreamy pediatrician again. Munchausen rulez!