Kellie Pickler was the very image of the sexy southern woman at this year’s CMA awards. She’s got a fake tan, fake tits, fake eyelashes and a false sense of security. a string of pearls and cheatin’ heart and I just might fall in love with her. That said, she’s pretty hot and rack is amazing but she still has busted up teeth. Which means she’d probably let you hit it after a few beers if the lift kit on your truck was high enough. Ever notice how when a chick gets her teeth done everything changes? I never realized there was so much empowerment in those little white veneers. Chicks get all uppity and want to “not do anal” and “go to fancy restaurants” and “give the the cosmetic dentist blowjobs” on my couch while I’m out working my ass of to pay those god damn teeth. Britney Spears has perfect teeth. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Links, sugar.

• How to drive like an asshole. Or “How to be from Massachusetts” (Crave)
• Revenge is sweet. And cold. (College Humor)
• Britney got the clap…in her eye. Whore. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears is fucking lady, bitches. (Allie)
• Kat Von D’s vagina. Whoever the fuck that is. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Eva Mendes will be mine bitches. (Bastardly)
• Paris Hilton. Stupid Rich Whore Philanthropist. (IBBB)
• Laura Weston is smoking hot, mate. (FHM)
• J-LO-Hew gots some big ass tit-tays. (Notorious)

Little Kellie Pickler. Little cute, country fried Kellie and her talk of Tarantula’s (fake eye lashes) and minks (Simon called her a minx) has the whole country fooled. She’s not as sweet and innocent as she would have us believe. Case in Point: Her prom dress. (DListed story & photo source) Holy shit. That’s what I would expect to see if I rubbed a magic lamp, not on my date at the prom. I’m from the south and girls didn’t dress like that at the prom. I’ve never seen a dress with the “thong look” built in. That’s got to make your odds of scoring on prom night rise like, 1067% or something. After the slow dance you’ve already been to third base.
Kellie has perfected the aw-shucks, country-come-to-town act that her contemporaries Britney (who didn’t have to act it) and Jessica (who is trying to shed it) brought into the mainstream. There’s no doubt she’s hot. There’s also no doubt that she knows it, and will use it to get what she wants. If you don’t see it, then she had you at “bless your heart”. And just to prove that I am not a misogynistic bastard, here are some pictures of the real American Idol, Katharine McPhee’s rack.

More Kellie Pickler and her American Idol-riffic Boobies