NSFW - Fatback Media

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.