NSFW – Fatback Media

I think paroled may be too strong. Maybe let off easy is more appropriate, because the LA legal system is about as tough on crime as an episode of Dragon Tales.

Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning.

She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of three days — the normal stay for a violation of this kind. (source)

God damn. I’ve had video check outs at a Hilton Hotel that took longer than Paris Hilton was in jail. I like how the LA Police don’t even try to disguise the preferential treatment anymore. One judge for LA County was quoted as saying, “Well I can’t keep her jail after I already cashed the bribe check, duh.”. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. Like how the dinosaurs are a lie made up by devil worshipers. True story.

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.

Paris Hilton is caged heat, baby. Well she would have been if she wasn’t a spoiled bitch and this weren’t LA. She would’ve ended up some teardrop tattooed, East LA gangsta chick’s little skinny shank toy, (like Mesquita tried to make Reese Witherspoon in Freeway), but it turns out that heiresses get special treatment – even in jail. I have avoided writing about Paris Hilton, because the last thing the world needs is another blog post about Paris Hilton. But. She’s in jail for breaking the law and that’s kinda cool symmetry. Oh, she gets her own cell, she got to come in early and gets to watch tv and all, but she’s still in prison and that’s sublime.

Ah I could go on and on about this, but my Mortimer Ichabod Marker pen and I have some work to do. The new Chess hotties were just released! Check and mate… Here are the top links for Paris Hilton in Jail.

• Paris Hilton mug shots. (IDLYITW)
• Paris Hilton cries on the way to prison where she belongs. (WWTDD)
• Nicky Hilton prepares her defense of Paris. Voire dire is gonna rock. (Yeeeah)
• This is not Paris Hilton. This is Jessica Biel kissing a chick. (DS)
• Paris Hilton turns herself in to the police. (SeriouslyOMGWTF)
• Paris Hilton in jail. Break. Josie Maran Minute. (Bastardly)
• Heidi Montag’s tits at the MTV Awards. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Paris wore hair extensions to jail. Nappy. (ICYDK)
• What’s your gossip IQ? Mine is elevety billion. I win again! (Radar)
• Kim Kardashian goes bodonkadonkdonk. (GoT)

Here are the hottest pictures of Paris Hilton I could find:

Paris Hilton, ever the speller, who’s facing up to 45 days in prison, posted a heartfelt half-ass plea on her MySpace page this week urging people to sign a petittion to keep her out of jail.

“My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn [sic] it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!”

The petition, created by the stunningly dim-witted, Joshua Capone urges Arnold Schwarzenegger to rescind the order to incarcerate Paris for av DUI conviction probation violation.

“Paris Whitney Hilton is a 26-year-old American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world,” (source)

The letter goes on and on, and I think at one point he talks about masturbating while actually writing the petition, but I got so bored reading it that I literally died for a minute or two. But the cold medicine that I cooked up into crystal meth gave me a heart attack and brought me back kicking and screaming. Moral of the story? Paris Hilton is a murderer. And Sudafed sinus really does work. Although you need a lot of nitric acid a hot plate and some expensive glassware. More Marisa Miller because Paris Hilton is about as sexy to me as slurping ipecac off a dude’s cock.