NSFW – Fatback Media

Lindsay Lohan is a role model for young girls everywhere. She proves that honesty and good character are the ways to make it big. Either that, or by being a drunk lying whore. Apparently, a mere 36 hours before she got arrested in May for DUI, she sat down with Elle Magazine to tell them how resposible she really was.

“They’re looking for me, to like trip, so they can be like, ‘Oh Lindsay’s wasted and driving drunk.’ And that’s not it. I wouldn’t violate. … I’m much more responsible than that.”

The following night, on May 26, she was arrested for driving under the influence when her car crashed; cops found she had cocaine with her. Her second drunken driving/cocaine bust came the morning of July 24 after a high-speed chase in Santa Monica, Calif. The September issue of Elle hits newsstands Tuesday. (source)

Amazing. Inspirational! I think she was telling the cops this the next night when they were cuffing her, impounding her car and putting her cocaine in the evidence bag.

Lindsay Lohan, the completely mentally stable and totally brilliant actress of such Oscar worthy gems as Herbie: Fully Loaded, Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, recently expounded -albeit modestly- on her own acting skills as well as the acting prowess of several of her contemporaries. Actually she was wasted. And here’s how it went:

“The higher Lindsay got, the more arrogant and mean she became,” said a former party pal of the 21-year-old star. “She ranted and raved about her talent, claiming: ‘I’m the greatest actress in the world! No one’s even close to me right now!’

“And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition.”

Here’s what she said about her fellow actresses:

Scarlett Johansson is “ugly, fat and has no talent.”

Jessica Simpson “can’t sing and is dumb as (bleep).”

Sienna Miller is a “no-talent crackhead.”

Keira Knightley is “a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress.”

Jessica Biel is a “phony, scheming, joke of an actress.”(source)

I don’t know about you, but I think she’s right. She could be the greatest actor of our generation. I mean who didn’t cry n Herbie Fully Loaded when Lindsay as the trouble teen Maggie delivered this quip?

“It wasn’t me, it was Herbie.” (IMDB)

It was Herbie. It was Herbie,Lindsay. Herbie the black guy. Keep your chin up kid. As long as you stay true to your craft, you’ll always have a place in the hearts of Americans. Wait. That means having a huge rack right?

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a steamy relationship with club DJ Samantha Ronson. In what will surely cause the internet’s alliteration meter to explode, (e.g. Lindsay Lohan’s loses lesbian love letters, or loquacious Lindsay’s lesbian letters, or Lindsay Lohan lies limply, loosley leaping, lethargically livening lesbian love letters, limned in lemon lipstick, et cetera) this may be the hottest story ever to break on this site this morning. Lindsay’s MySpace account was supposedly hacked and here are some snippets of her conversations with Samantha Ronson:

“Babe, if I don’t have you in my life then I should just go die”, the rehabbing actress wrote in one late-night posting, after she and Sam had an explosive online lovers spat.

“Your [sic] all I have to live for, babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!” Lindsay typed. Hollywood DJ Sam, 29, responded that she didn’t think she’d fall in love again and it was Lindsay who restored her trust. While Lindsay tried at the start of her relationship with Samantha to keep it under wraps, “the rumors about them hooking up are totally true, a pal told Star in April. “Lindsay is trying to be low-key about it, but everyone knows that they are way more than friends.”

Sure enough, Samantha was on hand to spin the records when Lindsay took a break from rehab to celebrate her 21st birthday on July 2 at a Malibu beach house…

At 11:46 pm [on June 6th], Samantha wrote to Lindsay, “You still have me. I’m here for you. With you. She went on to say that she would quit doing drugs if only Lindsay would tell her that she loved her! At12:36 a.m. Lindsay replied, “I love you. You love me. Why don’t we f_ _ _ and make a family? (source)

Well that’s good enough for me folks. I think these kids are in love and who are we to judge them and their steaming hot naked, girl-on-girl, homosexual lesbian love making? I mean all lesbians are hot, trashy girls with big boobs and shaved hoohoo’s who like to have pillow fights and are just waiting for that special moment when they will let the pizza guy join the mix right? If not then I have a DVD library of utter lies. It’s like on Footloose when they wouldn’t let Kevin Bacon dance with Laurie Singer. You can’t stop true love and you can’t stop these dance moves, baby. Here’s Lindsay with a bunch of chicks she’ll probably be sleeping with because she’s a naughty lesbian.

Quitters never win. Winners never quit…

While most of you were asleep Friday night, quietly dreaming of a 3 day weekend at the community pool eating BBQ chicken with your fingers and spraying fake tanner on your muffin tops, Lindsay Lohan was keeping it real and proving she’s no quitter by crashing her car at 3:30 am, drunk and holding what cops are calling a “usable amount of cocaine”.

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved “something to her upper chest area.” Police said the two other people in her car were not hurt.

…She was cited and released and will have to face a judge. (source)

I think it’s fitting that this is a holiday weekend, because true heroes like Lindsay Lohan don’t normally get the attention they deserve. For instance, losers like you and me would get thrown in jail for 18 hours and eventually serve time for DUI and possession, but the goodly laws of LA say that if you’re a rich snot nose drunken drug user and you crash a car you can go home and sleep it off – like the special, special person that you are. You’ve got to admire her ability to stay on task as a coke whore – even in the face of those meanies at rehab, the tabloids, the American public, established social mores, a system of codified laws and legal standards and personal health issues. It’s about sacrifice. Lindsay Lohan. You are my hero.

Because it’s Memorial Day, I decided to post a retrospective pictorial journey through Lindsay Lohan’s finest NSFW moments for your patriotic perusal.