NSFW - Fatback Media

Lindsay Lohan may be crossing the line from burned out trampy singer/actress/jobless person(?) into a new kind of awesome with news that she may be a lesbian. Or at least she may be getting it on with a girl. Which I fully support.

Last week, Lohan attended a holiday and housewarming party at the Los Angeles home of “Power Lesbian” Jeanette Longoria with Semel, the daughter of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel, one partygoer told Page Six.

The spy at the sapphic soiree also overheard the duo refer to themselves as roommates, and one Hollywood insider claimed they’ve been living together in a house in LA for about a month.

“Lindsay came with Courtenay to the party around midnight and they stayed for an hour,” said our spywitness. “The girls held hands and were with each other the whole time.” The tipster added, “Every time I see Lindsay, there’s Courtenay. They are always together.” (source)

I don’t know what a ‘power lesbian’ is, but it sounded fucking awesome. My impression of what that was, was something along the lines of a hot chick who literally compels other hot chicks to have sex with her because of her raw sexual power. Then I realized that this is the power lesbian. So it turns out it that power lesbian is more like a burly chick that physically compels other chicks to have sex with her by using her huge claw like hands to choke the life out them.

Lindsay shopping. Prolly for lesbian stuff. What am I, a psychologist?

Fresh out of rehab, Lindsay Lohan began her mandatory community service stemming from her DUI conviction at an LA blood donation center on Monday.

The ‘Mean Girls’ star arrived at an American Red Cross blood services facility, located in an LA suburb, at noon and was greeted by staff in the parking lot.

She left at 7pm carrying a book entitled ‘BLOOD’ under one arm. (source)

Um, hello. Nosferatu, much? I guess instead of using methadone and suboxone they’re using the dark powers of Anne Rice to help people kick drugs these days. Honestly, it’s trading one addiction for another and perpetuating the co-dependent cycle. At least that’s what my book ‘How to Serve Man’ says. True story.

Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab in Utah at an exclusive “lodge” that purports to give its guests all the comforts of home - like a jacuzzi, fireplace and stunning views - while they’re rehabilitating for the meager price tag of $30,000.00.

Lindsay Lohan has entered the Cirque Lodge drug and alcohol rehab in Sundance, Utah. According to sources within the facility, the 21-year-old star arrived this weekend to begin the intense rehabilitation program that is expected to last a minimum of 30 days.The center treats men and women over the age of 18. According to the Cirque Lodge Web site, upon check-in, a thorough mental and physical examination is completed.

The Lodge was named by Town & Country magazine to be one of the country’s top rehabs. For a price tag of $30,000 and up, the rehab offers privacy — with rooms for 16 residents at a time. Rooms boast spectacular views, Jacuzzi tubs and private fireplaces… (source)

I don’t think rehab means the same thing to celebrities as it does to regular drunks and addicts. Most people get a cot in a shared room, shitty food, worse coffee and touchy-feely meetings where everybody hugs at the end. Twenty eight days later you leave with a fresh new addiction to cigarettes and a crippling need to have other people to tell you that you’re ‘okay. If you’re a celebrity, you get a room with a view, gourmet meals, a jacuzzi , free access for your friends & family and the guy who brings you 8-balls stuffed inside a beanie baby. Lindsay in ELLE. (source)

Lindsay Lohan is a role model for young girls everywhere. She proves that honesty and good character are the ways to make it big. Either that, or by being a drunk lying whore. Apparently, a mere 36 hours before she got arrested in May for DUI, she sat down with Elle Magazine to tell them how resposible she really was.

“They’re looking for me, to like trip, so they can be like, ‘Oh Lindsay’s wasted and driving drunk.’ And that’s not it. I wouldn’t violate. … I’m much more responsible than that.”

The following night, on May 26, she was arrested for driving under the influence when her car crashed; cops found she had cocaine with her. Her second drunken driving/cocaine bust came the morning of July 24 after a high-speed chase in Santa Monica, Calif. The September issue of Elle hits newsstands Tuesday. (source)

Amazing. Inspirational! I think she was telling the cops this the next night when they were cuffing her, impounding her car and putting her cocaine in the evidence bag.

Lindsay Lohan, the completely mentally stable and totally brilliant actress of such Oscar worthy gems as Herbie: Fully Loaded, Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, recently expounded -albeit modestly- on her own acting skills as well as the acting prowess of several of her contemporaries. Actually she was wasted. And here’s how it went:

“The higher Lindsay got, the more arrogant and mean she became,” said a former party pal of the 21-year-old star. “She ranted and raved about her talent, claiming: ‘I’m the greatest actress in the world! No one’s even close to me right now!’

“And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition.”

Here’s what she said about her fellow actresses:

Scarlett Johansson is “ugly, fat and has no talent.”

Jessica Simpson “can’t sing and is dumb as (bleep).”

Sienna Miller is a “no-talent crackhead.”

Keira Knightley is “a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress.”

Jessica Biel is a “phony, scheming, joke of an actress.”(source)

I don’t know about you, but I think she’s right. She could be the greatest actor of our generation. I mean who didn’t cry n Herbie Fully Loaded when Lindsay as the trouble teen Maggie delivered this quip?

“It wasn’t me, it was Herbie.” (IMDB)

It was Herbie. It was Herbie,Lindsay. Herbie the black guy. Keep your chin up kid. As long as you stay true to your craft, you’ll always have a place in the hearts of Americans. Wait. That means having a huge rack right?

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a steamy relationship with club DJ Samantha Ronson. In what will surely cause the internet’s alliteration meter to explode, (e.g. Lindsay Lohan’s loses lesbian love letters, or loquacious Lindsay’s lesbian letters, or Lindsay Lohan lies limply, loosley leaping, lethargically livening lesbian love letters, limned in lemon lipstick, et cetera) this may be the hottest story ever to break on this site this morning. Lindsay’s MySpace account was supposedly hacked and here are some snippets of her conversations with Samantha Ronson:

“Babe, if I don’t have you in my life then I should just go die”, the rehabbing actress wrote in one late-night posting, after she and Sam had an explosive online lovers spat.

“Your [sic] all I have to live for, babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!” Lindsay typed. Hollywood DJ Sam, 29, responded that she didn’t think she’d fall in love again and it was Lindsay who restored her trust. While Lindsay tried at the start of her relationship with Samantha to keep it under wraps, “the rumors about them hooking up are totally true, a pal told Star in April. “Lindsay is trying to be low-key about it, but everyone knows that they are way more than friends.”

Sure enough, Samantha was on hand to spin the records when Lindsay took a break from rehab to celebrate her 21st birthday on July 2 at a Malibu beach house…

At 11:46 pm [on June 6th], Samantha wrote to Lindsay, “You still have me. I’m here for you. With you. She went on to say that she would quit doing drugs if only Lindsay would tell her that she loved her! At12:36 a.m. Lindsay replied, “I love you. You love me. Why don’t we f_ _ _ and make a family? (source)

Well that’s good enough for me folks. I think these kids are in love and who are we to judge them and their steaming hot naked, girl-on-girl, homosexual lesbian love making? I mean all lesbians are hot, trashy girls with big boobs and shaved hoohoo’s who like to have pillow fights and are just waiting for that special moment when they will let the pizza guy join the mix right? If not then I have a DVD library of utter lies. It’s like on Footloose when they wouldn’t let Kevin Bacon dance with Laurie Singer. You can’t stop true love and you can’t stop these dance moves, baby. Here’s Lindsay with a bunch of chicks she’ll probably be sleeping with because she’s a naughty lesbian.

Quitters never win. Winners never quit…

While most of you were asleep Friday night, quietly dreaming of a 3 day weekend at the community pool eating BBQ chicken with your fingers and spraying fake tanner on your muffin tops, Lindsay Lohan was keeping it real and proving she’s no quitter by crashing her car at 3:30 am, drunk and holding what cops are calling a “usable amount of cocaine”.

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved “something to her upper chest area.” Police said the two other people in her car were not hurt.

…She was cited and released and will have to face a judge. (source)

I think it’s fitting that this is a holiday weekend, because true heroes like Lindsay Lohan don’t normally get the attention they deserve. For instance, losers like you and me would get thrown in jail for 18 hours and eventually serve time for DUI and possession, but the goodly laws of LA say that if you’re a rich snot nose drunken drug user and you crash a car you can go home and sleep it off - like the special, special person that you are. You’ve got to admire her ability to stay on task as a coke whore - even in the face of those meanies at rehab, the tabloids, the American public, established social mores, a system of codified laws and legal standards and personal health issues. It’s about sacrifice. Lindsay Lohan. You are my hero.

Because it’s Memorial Day, I decided to post a retrospective pictorial journey through Lindsay Lohan’s finest NSFW moments for your patriotic perusal.

Lindsay Lohan and non nude nipples with a book. Wow. These pictures are 6 months old for all I know. My research department is a crack whore. I run a tight ship. Except when I just don’t give a shit. Which is mostly. Anyway. Here’s Lindsay Lohan looking a bit chilly and doing everything she can to let us know that a) she’s reading a book and b) that the book is by Felicity Huffman and it’s entitled A PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND!. How witty she is! Insert tongue firmly in cheek! My stars.

Here’s a snippet from this literary masterpiece;

At some point, every guy — player, geek, mama’s boy, “regular Joe” — meets a woman who makes him want to be a boyfriend. A good boyfriend. Problem is, unless heâ’s had some first-rate training (by a previous girlfriend, a sister, a mom), he probably doesn’t even know what that means. (source)

Wait. I know. That sounds like something a chick would say. Or an effeminate pansy, 45 year old who brushes his mama’s hair and lives in her basement. Oh, but wait it was on this ruggedly handsome piece of manmeat’s Amazon list. So it must be HOTT! (note the two T’s… that’s for extra hot)

“My mother is going to LOVE you”

Whew. I think the temperature is rising ladies. More of Lindsay Lohan’s nipples, where unlike here, the temperature was obviously a little chilly. ZING! Pulitzer, here I come.

I’m pretty hungry most of the time, so I write about about food a lot. I’m also a horn dog so I write about boobies a lot too. Although I love them both, I’m not one of those dudes who likes to combine two awesome things because I think there will be a synergy between them and make the awesomeness even more awesomer. Those people are called pervs. I like food and I like sex, but never the twain shall meet. And don’t try to convince me otherwise, you Jeffrey Dahmer motherfucker.

Speaking of fucked up events it looks like Lindsay Lohan’s mother really fucked up the red carpet interviews for the premier of Georgia Rule (coming to a Blockbuster near you in 3 weeks). Apparently Jane Fonda was pissed and called Dina Lohan an overbearing whore and stabbed her in the neck with a pencil. That could’ve been a dream because I’m on Atkins and I think my ketones are all fucked up. I know that picture is old up there but I wanted to remind the world that I have Photoshop. Call me, eLance!

Links.

• Amanda Harrington and her rack hang out in a bikini. (DS)
• Angelina Jolie on a Japanese commercial that I think may qualify as porn. (Allie)
• Paris Hilton. Felon. Still breaking the rules like a rich, entitled brat. Fuck her. (Jordan)
• Jessica Stam shows a little ass crack. (Bastardly)
• There’s a girl from your school showing her boobies. (CH)
• Kelly Clarkson has some J in the GD T. (Yeeeah)
• Beyonce is scared of candy. Because candy is for fatties. True story. (INO)
• Keeley Hazell because…well, because. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Paris Hilton tries to reason with the governor of CA. “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.” (DJM)

These are supposedly pictures of Lindsay Lohan doing coke in a bathroom with a friend just days after leaving a rehab facility for substance abuse. In all fairness the girl might not be doing coke in the top image there, she might just really like the smell of Lindsay Lohan’s pinky finger. The pictures are screen caps from a cell phone video taken by one of Lindsay’s “concerned friends”.

“That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine. She was still up doing drugs at 11am even though she had started about 8pm the night before.

“She wasn’t even trying to hide it and was blatantly doing it off table tops, keys, books and in the wardrobe, where she was hunched over with her legs crossed almost bent in half doing it off some magazine on the floor.

“I remember looking at her and thinking how pathetic she looked and how out of control she had become.

“When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her.

“I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone.

“Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out.

“One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat.” (source)

I’m no photo surveillance expert so I can’t really tell you what’s going on these pictures, but it sure looks like some chicks (one of whom is Lindsay Lohan) are doing bumps of coke. The other chick, who looks like a coke whore, looks pretty hot; but that may just be because I think that coke whores are hot. The moral of the story? Don’t do drugs. Unless they make you show your boobies and become a full on whore who’ll sleep with anything. Stay in school!

More Lindsay Lohan having a coke and a smile after the jump.

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