NSFW – Fatback Media

Jessica Simpson is reportedly upset with John Mayer about their breakup and about his smoking hot new girlfriend, Minka Kelly.

According to the report the pop star turned country singing hopeful, isn’t pleased her ex is dating Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly, 27. Isn’t it a little late for all of this?

“It upsets her she couldn’t hold him down.” (source)

Normally, it would piss me off that someone had the balls to dump Jessica Simpson, but we’re talking about John Mayer. It’s like he’s on a crusade to have sex with every hot girl in Hollywood. I used to think he was kind of a mush – with all that body is a wonderland shit, but he seems like a pretty funny guy and he’s an amazing guitar player. And he is also banging EVERY HOT GIRL HOLLYWOOD and leaving them in smoking heap behind him. I think he may be the Antichrist. So he has my vote. So does Minka Kelly’s choice of underwear. Rrreow.

Damn, Jessica Simpson. Those cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches have been working. The only time it’s ever good for a girl to get fat and happy, is if a) she had an eating disorder and b) her boobs get fucking enormous. I hear that she and John Mayer have broken up, but the happy time did her (and us) some good. I mean, her hair looks like she colored it with a Lemon Sport Snapple and the dress is borderline ridiculous… Wait. No. It’s totally ridiculous. But I can’t hold that against her because of the giant rack.

The same thing happens at Hooters. I tell myself, the slutty girls are just flirty to get my money. And no matter how much I spend, they will not flash their rack at me, much less give me a hand job. (PS. I found that last one out the hard way. Apparently there is some law?) A great rack can cancel out busted up features. Like that girl at the drive through with DD’s. It’s an ancient magical balancing effect that makes greasy haired slutty chicks hot. I can’t explain it. What am I a sorcerer? Magic LINKS!

Update: I’m usually not paranoid but if that dude up there keeps staring at me, I might have to unleash the fury.

• Six Degrees of Britney’s vagina. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Maria Menounos is pretty hot. Way better than Billy Bush. (Bastardly)
• Awesome video of a chick trying out her new stripper pole. If by awesome you mean she falls on her head. (Ebaums)
• Jesus interviewed Rachel Style from Ugly Betty. She’s nerd hot. Or just hot. And you’re a nerd. (DS)
• Speaking of boobies, I think you’re sister who’s away at school has a hot rack. (CH)
• Avril Lavigne is a pissy little bitch. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears is trying to be a diva when she needs to sit back and enjoy the fact that we alsmost think she’s hot again. (Bump shack)

First and foremost. GOD DAMN.

Apparently Joe Simpson needs to work on his pimp-hand because one of his bitches daughters is gettin’ outta pocket. And when you fuck with his money, you’re fucking with his emotions. Why is it that southern preachers with hot daughters end up being smarmy greaseballs? Maybe by sexifying and pimping their own flesh and blood they can get a vicarious taste of the forbidden fruit that was once only relegated to hangdog peeks through the bathroom keyhole and awkward walk-ins that lingered a bit too long to be accidents? Fucking pervs.

A source tells TMZ that Joe got mad at daughter Jessica when she turned down a highly paid gig to host a New Year’s Eve party at Vegas’ Pure nightclub — saying she didn’t want to work on the holiday — and went to party with John Mayer in New York City instead.

The source claims that when Joe found out about Jessica’s “mellow” night out, he was livid — because she partied for free!

Meanwhile, the New York Daily News’ Ben Widdicombe reports today that Joe is “furious” that the Kennedy Center won’t reimburse him for about $15,000 in hair, makeup, and stylist fees after Jess’ ridiculed rendition of Dolly Parton’s “9-5″ didn’t air on CBS’s broadcast of the Kennedy Center Honors last week. (source)

A source made up by me said that the Kennedy Center responded, “No happy ending, no pay bitch” and had security throw Joe Simpson through a plate glass window on his ass. My sources rule. UPDATE: An eagle-eyed viewer wrote in and said I should crop Jessica’s hairstylist Ken Paves out of those pictures, but I’ve looked like a hundred times at those pictures and I can’t seem to see him.