NSFW – Fatback Media

Whoa. I’m getting all geared up for my patriotic nudity & fun in the sun week off and these come in off the wire. What the hell? Apparently Scarlett Johansson now has a nose ring, a weird tattoo and is dressing like the creepy girl’s PE teacher at my middle school. How could this happen? The last time I saw her she was getting thin due to breakup stress and looking like she was ready to party all night. Now she looks like she can’t find her minivan at Showbiz Pizza. I’m not one to judge -wait I’m an anonymous internet writer who gets paid to make fun of people- so yes. Yes I am one to judge. Maybe she’s a method actor and she’s preparing for a role. And maybe that role is somebody’s dumpy mother who used to be a goth whore but now has 3 kids and drives a Honda Odyssey. More hot high waisted shorts action. Rreeeow. My fave is pic 4. That dude’s name is Meat.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!

I think paroled may be too strong. Maybe let off easy is more appropriate, because the LA legal system is about as tough on crime as an episode of Dragon Tales.

Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning.

She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of three days — the normal stay for a violation of this kind. (source)

God damn. I’ve had video check outs at a Hilton Hotel that took longer than Paris Hilton was in jail. I like how the LA Police don’t even try to disguise the preferential treatment anymore. One judge for LA County was quoted as saying, “Well I can’t keep her jail after I already cashed the bribe check, duh.”. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. Like how the dinosaurs are a lie made up by devil worshipers. True story.

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.