NSFW - Fatback Media

Super manly hero to young and old and quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, Michael Vick was in court today working out a plea to charges surrounding dog fighting and animal cruelty thus proving that he is neither a hero nor manly. The plea could land him year in prison where hopefully incarcerated Cleveland Browns fans will gang rape him until his anus forms an infected fistula into his skull. Here’s what his attorney had to say:

“After consulting with his family over the weekend, Michael Vick asked that I announce today that he has reached an agreement with federal prosecutors regarding the charges pending against him. Mr. Vick has agreed to enter a plea of guilty to those charges and to accept full responsibility for his actions and the mistakes he has made. Michael wishes to apologize again to everyone who has been hurt by this matter.” (source)

I won’t even restate the cruel and cowardly shit Vick and his band of assholes did to those dogs but lets just say I don’t think a year in prison covers it. Some say he’ll be banned from the NFL, some say why would he, if he’s paid his debt to society? Well, because shit like this can’t be repaid. Societies are built on an ever evolving code of mores and expected behavior - and we evolved out that shit a long time ago.

I’m not very religious but I do think that there is symmetry in giving someone a taste of their own medicine. So instead of a year in prison, I think a fitting punishment would be Mike Vick vs. 27 blood thirsty pit bulls ,Thunderdome style. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Besides, he’s not on my fantasy football roster anyway. Sexy ladies because being mean to dogs is shitty.

Update: Skippystalin says they might indict Vick on the RICO charges.  Like Miami Vice!

Matthew Roloff, one of the stars on TLC’s “Little People, Big World” has been taking drinking lessons from Lindsay Lohan. According to a police report, a Deputy in Washington County, Oregon saw a white van weaving about. The deputy stopped the vehicle and identified the man as the mini-star Roloff.

Supposedly, little man failed the field sobriety test. Don’t tell me how the fuck he managed to miss that big honker of his. I never would have thought it possible for such a tiny man to have such a huge beak. His mugshot reminds me of some sort of twisted lawn gnome. Scary stuff.

But anyway, he failed the field sobriety test, then refused to take a breathalyzer down at the station. He was charged with a citation, then released.

What I am wondering is this…does celebrity justice now extend to crappy reality TV stars? I think people should cut him some slack because he may be short in stature, but he’s a giant at heart. Plus, you know only takes one beer to fuck a midget up. More Alessandra Ambrosio if you click the images, because tall people are sexy.

According to reports, Angelina Jolie is upset over the fact that heart recent biopic - about Mariane Pearl and her slain husband, journalist Daniel Pearl - was box office failure.

According to a source close to Angelina Jolie, 32, the actress is “devastated” by the audience rejection of her movie A Mighty Heart (it has earned just $9 million).

“She poured her heart into the story and can’t believe people don’t understand how important it is,” the insider tells Us Weekly in this week’s issue. (source)

Angelina, wanna guess why nobody went to see it? WE KNOW THE ENDING. We saw the whole gruesome thing play out on CNN just a few years ago. Why watch a movie that dramatizes an already traumatic event in our very recent - and very raw history. We were just getting used to not seeing beheadings on Youtube and you go and make a movie about it. That’s kinda rubbing it in our faces - and not in a good way. It’s a funny aspect about American viewing audiences we’re not the type to go for that. We’re brash that way. We don’t mind sad stuff, (hell I cried when they shot Ole Yeller), and we don’t mind biographies that end in tragedy, but give us some time let the rawness fade before you shove it right back down our throats in the thinly veiled guise of a reminder of a terrible tragedy. We got that part. Really.

Here’s a clue:

• Movie about 911 and New York being devastated that ends with two lucky survivors? FLOP.
• Movie about a giant robots devastating NY that ends with two lucky survivors: BOX OFFICE SMASH.

True story. People see movies to forget how shitty the world can be, not to be reminded. Real life is outside our windows and on our 50″ plasmas 24/7. We need a god damn break sometimes. Not smug, psuedo-activism shoved down our throats by privileged Hollywood elite of the type who fly to environmental benefits in private jets and “greenlight” films that tiptoe extremely close to exploitation. The reason A Mighty Heart failed is the same reason Babel didn’t. Not in my back yard applies in full force here - and a very real American dead guy is all up in our backyard. So from me, and everybody else, can you go back to doing some T/A movies. And for god’s sake,eat some fried chicken or something. Here’s Angelina in ELLE thinking about ways to make you cry. Plus one NSFW for old times sake.

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchalanian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.

Whoa. I’m getting all geared up for my patriotic nudity & fun in the sun week off and these come in off the wire. What the hell? Apparently Scarlett Johansson now has a nose ring, a weird tattoo and is dressing like the creepy girl’s PE teacher at my middle school. How could this happen? The last time I saw her she was getting thin due to breakup stress and looking like she was ready to party all night. Now she looks like she can’t find her minivan at Showbiz Pizza. I’m not one to judge -wait I’m an anonymous internet writer who gets paid to make fun of people- so yes. Yes I am one to judge. Maybe she’s a method actor and she’s preparing for a role. And maybe that role is somebody’s dumpy mother who used to be a goth whore but now has 3 kids and drives a Honda Odyssey. More hot high waisted shorts action. Rreeeow. My fave is pic 4. That dude’s name is Meat.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!

I think paroled may be too strong. Maybe let off easy is more appropriate, because the LA legal system is about as tough on crime as an episode of Dragon Tales.

Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning.

She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of three days — the normal stay for a violation of this kind. (source)

God damn. I’ve had video check outs at a Hilton Hotel that took longer than Paris Hilton was in jail. I like how the LA Police don’t even try to disguise the preferential treatment anymore. One judge for LA County was quoted as saying, “Well I can’t keep her jail after I already cashed the bribe check, duh.”. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. Like how the dinosaurs are a lie made up by devil worshipers. True story.

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.

Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly on The Office) busted her ass coming out the LA restaurant Buddkan Monday night and broke four bones in her spine. I’m not trying to be funny. She really busted her ass.

The pretty brunette was celebrating her series being renewed Monday night with friends when she slipped on the restaurant’s marble steps and fractured four bones in her back. A friend said she spent the night in St. Vincent’s hospital and had to cancel an appearance on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” and a Harper’s Bazaar shoot. Fischer’s rep, Lewis Kay, said yesterday she’s “doing much better and is resting at her hotel. Her husband [director James Gunn] flew in to be with her.” (source)

Normally I would be mean and make a sexist joke about how most of the girls I sleep with end up with back trouble too, but that’s never really made sense to me. Besides they have to sign a waiver before they can get into the trapeze sling. Anyway. I think Jenna Fischer is cute a button and my friend Kathie says she’s nice as can be. Plus she has a filthy mouth and I fucking love that. I hope she gets better soon. Because that sling is fucking dangerous, girl. I hope you have AFLAC. Here’s some more of Jenna with an unbroken back.

What the hell happened to Cate Blanchett? She went from Galadriel elvish hotness to Nosferatu OH MY GOD DON’T BITE ME. The hell, Cate? I can’t tell if like she needs a transfusion or a priest. If I saw her walking down my street at night I would stab her with a broken broom stick without asking any questions and add another clove to my garlic necklace.

Obviously she’s gravely ill or she has an eating disorder and if it’s the latter, allow me to call bullshit on that noise. Why do girls think that eating disorders are the answer? Guess what? Weighing less than a 100 lbs and rattling like a box of pencils when you walk is not sexy. It’s fucking gross. Girls are supposed to have curves and not look like they took the E train to Auschwitz. Before you get all pissy about my insensitivity, wait, because I’m trying to make a fucking point. Starving yourself is selfish. It’s all about you and what your fucked up body self image is about. It doesn’t matter what you think is thin and/or sexy. It matters what we think is sexy. And by we, I mean the unselfish people (men and women, baby!) who used to want to hit that shit until you fucked it all up by being a selfish bitch. PS. Eat a god damn sandwich. Here’s a comparion of Cate now and At the Oscars a while back.