NSFW - Fatback Media

Britney is back y’all! And if reports are to be believed her new single is going to cement her comeback with salacious lyrics and tough sexy attitude. OR. It will be a uncomfortable display of awkwardness that makes all her friends who listen to it stare at their shoes or the ceiling and say, “Um, yeah. Your dress is soooo pretty, Brit”

The new dance track meant to resurrect the pop tart’s stale career is out, and it begins with a defiant declaration: “It’s Britney, b—h.”

I’m not good at hangman, but I think that’s supposed to say,”It’s Britney, bench” and if so well, I think I just had an orgasm. Britney doesn’t really need the money from album sales, however…

Her average monthly income is a whopping $737,868, according to court documents filed by ex-hubby Kevin Federline, who’s seeking custody of their young sons Sean Preston, 23 months, and Jayden James, 11 months.

K-Fed himself is receiving spousal support of $20,000 per month, according to the documents obtained by TMZ.com. Unfortunately for him, checks for Brit’s baby daddy dry up Nov. 15.

OMFG. What kind of world is it where Britney Spears, a bone sucking dolt can pull 700k a month and the redneck monkey who barebacked her and “left it in” can pull 20K per month, when teachers, soldiers, firemen and police make minimum wage? An awesome one, that’s what. Go capitalism!

(source)

More pics when I get a better connection. Apparently, beer and collard greens do not enhance the wireless reception of this town.

Britney Spears has left executives at her label, Jive Records, stunned after she backed out of a Timbaland produced duet with ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. The song, which the label hoped would serve as the comeback Britney is looking for, was to be performed at this years VMA’s. Sources can offer no explanation other than Britney Spears is a fucking retard:

“Timbaland set aside a week out of his crazy schedule to do this - and then, just before she was supposed to fly out, Britney abruptly canceled the session and refused to do the song. “It’s crazy,” the insider added. “She’s looking for a comeback, and this would have not only been a huge hit, but something she could have opened the MTV Video Awards with and really blown everyone away.” Another insider said, “Listen, everyone is worried. In her mind, her album is done and she’s done enough work . . . She’s an easy target right now, because she’s . . . sick. People like her are sick. It’s like an anorexic who’s sick in the head and needs help. She needs help. It’s sad because what she’s got - and we’ve heard it’s like bipolar disorder - can easily be treated with medication, but she won’t do it.”

Of course Britney was going to fuck this up. It’s Britney. She’s probably recorded 12 songs about cigarettes and pie. And Slim Jims. It’s pretty safe to say that I’d rather listen to firetrucks at an orphanage than anything on this idiot’s album.

Britney driving in LA without her wig, makeup, or sanity:

Britney’s comeback will probably look a little something like this.

Source

In an interesting turn of events, K-Fed is giving Britney a good kick in the balls she’s grown. Don’t tell me she doesn’t have them. Any chick who shaves her head has a set hidden somewhere.

K-Fed Up should be his new moniker. He is sick and tired of his Ex’s stupidity and believes the kids would be better off with him. I say, good for him. Take your kids from the crazy bitch! Cracking into cars, giving the paparazzi crotch shots (which Fatback loves, ya know), and doing only god knows what the fuck all else, surely isn’t the example you want for your kids.

I never thought I would see the day when I thought K-Fed was a stand up parent, but hey, hell does freeze over occasionally it seems. ‘Course he could just be in it for the money.

As we first reported, K-Fed is going back to court asking for more custody of the kids. Federline just agreed to a 50/50 split. Then, he turned around almost immediately and filed papers asking for 70/30. So why such a sudden change of heart? (source)

It sucks that even in today’s courts you have judges who think the mother is the perfect one for the kids. Not so. Plenty of hot men out there who are excellent fathers. No, I have no clue what the fuck their hotness has to do with it, but damn, I like me some beefalicious daddy.

Alright, catch you later, got to recharge the batteries to the Venus.
These aren’t new, but neither is Britney Spears’ Schadenfruede.

Even when drunk, it appears that Lindsay Lohan may be a better driver than Britney Spears. I mean hell…the girl has wrecked two cars, stole a car almost killed someone and ended up in rehab. Britney on the other hand can’t even park without cracking into another car. Getting out of her ride proves to be a problem, too. Drive into a car, then slam your door into same vehicle, show us your crotch. Super. Smart.

The video and pics are plastered all over the ‘net, so it’s gonna be real hard for her to try to worm out of it. With her bankroll, it’ll be easy to slip some cash to the other driver. Then again, maybe she can loan the chick who owns the car her Manny for an hour.

If they do it in Vegas, that’s legal.

When you’re rich, you can afford to buy a man instead of a dildo. At least, that’s what it looks like Britney Spears has done. Sure, everyone thinks he is her ‘manny’, but Valkyrie knows the real deal.

What Brit-Brit has is a bone-a-fide walking, talking sex puppet. And why not? Nothing much hotter than a little bit of white trash walking around with a sex toy. I walk down the street with my venus butterfly turned on high, because that’s how I roll. True story.

At least Britney has the sense to hire someone to look after her kids. I mean, Britney hasn’t proven to be the brightest when it comes to child care. Who the fuck lets their baby fall out of a high chair? Ok, so it happens, but I wonder if the genius even strapped the kid in position in the first place.

Oh and with the divorce final now, I wonder how long it will be before Britney begins giving some public love to her paid dick?

Whatever. Baby sitter/Fuck Buddy, it’s cheaper when you buy in bulk.

Nice thong, dude. Anything you wanted to tell us? These pictures of Britney Spears and those other two sexy honies were taken just before Britney’s brain shit the bed and she shaved her head back in February. It’s supposed to be in the back of a Club in NYC, but but for some reason that club looks like Abu Graib.

Taken just five days before the popstar’s now infamous head-shaving incident in February, Brit leaves little to the imagination in an impossibly teeny thong.

Partying with palls at the Club One nightclub in New York city, the troubled 25-year-old mum-of-two dived backstage to chat with the night spot’s resident dancers and ended up stripping down to her smalls in the process. (Sun)

It’s always nice to see that even really, really, really slutty girls can manage to get the cigarette worked into a the picture somehow. Touch O’ Class. One more shot of Brit and Fudgey (that’s my nickname for him. It sounds racist but it’s not really. If he were white I would have called him CreamPie. Or if he were Asian I would have called him Rubbery. Or if he was Jewish, he would be Knish. Wait. Okay, that is a little racist but only in a nice way.)

Links is you made it this far:

• Those boobies need a bath! (College Humor)
• Mayra Veronica is hot. (FHM Online)
• Britney Spears is still crazy. No really. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Cindy Crawford Topless. Nothing but her mole, dude. Sweet. (Yeeeah)
• Lauren Conrad and sme dude who knows who she is. (IBBB)
• Britney and KFED are divorced. Legally. (Jossip)
• Jenna Elfman named her kid after an imperative sentence. (Allie)
• Ali Larter at Comic-Con. Thanks for the invite. (Bastardly)
• Faith Hill gets all up in some chicks face for grabbibg Tim McGraw’s sack. (BumpShack)

Yeah, I’ll say it. Who. Gives. A. Fuck.

There. Now the rest of the world can thumb their noses at little ol’ Valkyrie, a girl who doesn’t give two shits about the Becks bending whatever it is he bends, or some dumbass NFL player who was dumb enough to get caught in a dog fighting racket. Nope, and I don’t care about the welfare of these dogs. Why? Because I don’t. I’m betting about a few million other people don’t either.

Oh, there will be a ton of pissed off PETA bitches whining about the poor, loyal pit bulls and other doggies who got bit the fuck up and killed.

Yeah, well, fuck ‘em.

I have an idea that will solve my give-a-fuckedness. Take the Bex, Vick, and four or five fighting pit bulls, put them all in a large enclosure with an electric fence and a closed circuit camera. Sell video.

Now that’s something I would love to cover. So why do I have pictures of hot naked biker chicks? Well, because that’s way hotter than dead doggies, sugar! PS. Sorry about the pic of your mom. Slut!

Well okay. It’s his ex-wife, but he’s gay and she’s a has-been, hottie, homewrecker, which (alliteration aside) still qualifies this for white trash headline of the week (WTHOW), even though it happened in Canada. Eh?

Skating with Celebrities star Kristy Swanson was arrested late Saturday night for allegedly assaulting the ex-wife of her companion and former skating partner, Lloyd Eisler, Swanson tells PEOPLE.

Swanson was released on $500 (Canadian) bail. Officers escorted her into the police station in Kingston, Ontario, after Eisler’s ex, Marcia O’Brien, filed a complaint against Swanson.

Swanson, 37, claims she was attacked by O’Brien in front of Eisler and O’Brien’s children. The actress’s rep, Michael Sands, says Swanson plans to press charges against O’Brien, saying that police took photographs of her back and other parts of her upper extremities to document the injuries. (source)

That’s a whole lotta text for what may be the most boring story I’ve ever heard. Know what’s not boring? Boobies. Here’s Kristy Swanson showing us why the original Buffy is better. Plus that Luke Perry was dreamy.

Links for the nostalgic:

• Jennifer Lopez nude. Es verdad, hombre. (Crave)
• Drunken, half naked girls kissing. Good start to my morning (College Humor)
• Maxim hometown hottie self portraits (drunken stepfather)
• Abagail Clancy still British, still hot and half nude. (FHM)
• Rachel and Legolas? (Yeeeah)
• Alicia Keys looks hot, but I liked her better as a lesbian hooker hit (wo)man. (allie)
• Celebs are just like us! They love tacos too! (City rag)
• America Fererra keeps getting hotter.Fuck yeah! (Evil beet)
• Kim Cattrall decided to stop being a whore. (Gossip or Truth)
• Cute college girl of the week is from my alma mater. Go cocks! (college humor)
• Starts are just like us! They wreck motorcycles too! (Glitterati)
• DemiMoore is old as fuck. But I’d still hit it. (Seriously OMG)
• J-Lo is a shitty dresser. I bet she’s a great Ottoman. (Bumpshack)
• Abi Titmuss is hot and her name sounds dirty. (Bastardly)
• Um, Jordan showing her box again. (Jordan)
• Meg White sex tape in case you missed it. TOTALLY her dude. (Notorious)

Jessica Simpson might be stalking John Mayer. Apparently, her flagging singing/acting/socialiting career has left her chasing pasty white boys. Good thing she has a great rack to keep her alive. Hollywood rulez.

A guest at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood said that on Monday morning John Mayer was yelling into his phone: “He said ‘Jess’ a bunch of times, so I would think he was talking to Jessica Simpson. He looked wiped out, circles under his eyes, and some pal was grabbing him coffee while he was having this fight over the phone. There was a lot I couldn’t hear, but at the end before he hung up, he told her to stop calling, stop texting, stop all of it – leave me alone! He was shaking his head back and forth like, ‘God, make her stop,’ and his friend was sort of chuckling at him.” (source)

Far be it for us to doubt a source, but I’m not so sure about this one. Anyway, let’s assume that this (like all  the other shit we publish) is true. John could just be saying all that just to start gossip. He’s banged every hot chick in Hollywood. It’s not like he’s desperate.

So, how does John looking “wiped out” differ from every other day of the week?? He looks like he’s one transfusion away from full on cadaver. Ok, I haven’t actually seen a cadaver in person. But on CSI Miami that one time…you know, the one where they found the body in the weird place and Horatio made that snappy quip while taking his sunglasses off  just before the opening music?  That was my favorite episode. EVER.

 

Young Brit singer Joss Stone thinks she’s unlucky in love. Maybe it’s because she’s dating the wrong kind of guys..err..girls..err human?

The 20-year-old, who has been desperate to be in a relationship since splitting from her first love Beau Dozier in 2005, is now considering giving up on men altogether. Joss told Britain’s The Times magazine: “I think I’ll have to turn lesbian. “Every girl my age wants to be in a relationship. I haven’t had one in two years and look how that ended. I only wish I had something to tell the gossip columnists.” (source)

See, now that’s the kind of gossip I like to read over my morning cup of joe. Nothing gets my day started quite like young, prurient lesbionage. Actually, nothing gets my day started quite like Marco the house boy’s cocktail of steamy pool sex and vodka crans, but I suppose a 20 year old bitter girl turning to lesbianism is a close second, especially if said girl is wicked hot like Joss Stone. She’s scary, like I’ll stab you with a Sharpie in the middle of the night, laugh until the cops come then act surprised to learn you have ink poisoning kinda scary. Seems a little rash to jump sexes with one soured relationship, but far be it for me to deny her time to explore the softer side and ultimately the private videos that will land on You Tube, then the endless phone calls from mom asking what the fuck? Fuckin’ A, I knew I should’ve said no. Fuck you.