NSFW - Fatback Media

See that? That is a salacious headline folks. I don’t like to brag, but they don’t teach that shit in journalism school. That comes from years of walking a beat, doing the research and following leads to get the story. Other bloggers may have fancy pants degrees from respected ivy covered liberal arts schools, but did they live blog the Vietnam War? No. No they did not. The key to writing a good story is coming up with a compelling headline that is evocative with just a hint of scandal, then diving right into the story so the readers will be instantly immersed in the narrative. Going on and on about unrelated or tangential information will only cause the reader to become disinterested and stop reading. Where was I?

Jamie and Lynne Spears arrived this morning at the County courthouse in downtown L.A. Sources say both parents are extremely concerned about the welfare of their daughter, and upset because Sam Lutfi is trying to call the shots on all matters Britney.

The court has the power to create a conservatorship, which would allow both Jamie and Lynne to make medical decisions on behalf of Britney. The conservatorship would also allow them to control Britney’s financial affairs. (Source)

What better way to show their love and support by taking control of her assets? It’s really kind of sweet, like Macbeth!

Even though her children have taken from her “indefinitely”, Britney Spears still finds time to reflect and lament her dire and pitiful situation. Wait, I mean she parties like a drunk sorority girl.

“(Spears) is to have telephonic contact with the minor children,” Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled at last week’s hearing. “All prior orders remain in full force and effect.”

The pop singer, 26, has been forbidden to see her sons Preston, 2, and Jayden, 1, for more than three weeks, following her Jan. 3 custody standoff, which ended with her brief hospitalization.

Despite two attempts by her lawyers to regain her visitation rights, Spears cannot see her kids indefinitely, the judge has ruled. (source)

There is something disturbingly sexy about a mentally unstable mother who shirks responsibilities to her children so she can go party with her underwear showing. Maybe it’s the hollow, vacuous stare hidden by sunglasses that really turns me on. All I know is that she makes me want to buy her Newports and tampons. RRrreow!

Britney Spears showed up for court yesterday wearing the same clothes she had on the day before and still sporting the British accent. Cheerio!

Accompanied by Sam Lutfi, the poptard, who was furiously biting her nails, sported the same jeans, boots and $475 L.A.M.B. handbag she was seen in yesterday at Petco. When she arrived at Mark Vincent Kaplan’s office, a braless Britney pulled down the neck of her shirt to expose her shoulders and addressed photographers in a British accent. (source)

So, instead of putting on a suit and showing up for court prepared to fight for her children, Britney showed doing the the walk-of-shame with freshly fucked hair, no bra and her panties in her pocket. If I was the judge I wouldn’t let her have custody of a six piece Chicken McNugget meal, although that might get a little more attention than her kids.

In a surprise move (that surprises no one) , a judge took away Britney’s visitation rights to her children. This comes after weeks of no-shows, missed court appearances and bizarre behavior:

Britney Spears still may not visit her children, a court commissioner ruled Monday, following a custody hearing the pop singer missed.

Kevin Federline, who testified at the session, maintains sole legal and physical custody of their two sons Preston, 2, and Jayden, 1, “indefinitely,” a court spokesman says. (source)

Finally a judge with some balls. Although, feeling relieved that Kevin Federline has sole custody of too small children is kind of like feeling relieved that the hooker you accidentally killed didn’t have syphilis.

On November 18th (that’s fresh news!), Britney Spears reportedly walked into the Hustler Store in West Hollywood and sexed the place up with her sensual movements like a sex tiger in heat. Wait. No. She came in high, showed her box to everyone and shoplifted some shit on the way out the door as seen here in the longest pull-quote ever.

Spears loaded up on naughty skivvies and headed to the fitting rooms. But store employees “told her they don’t allow people to try on underwear,” a source at the scene says. “She was really upset.”

Adds the source: “She looked out of it. There was nothing going on behind her eyes.”

At that point, Spears threw a fit, and took off her own underwear before trying on a pair of boyshorts (with “Barely Legal’ stitched across the rear end) in the middle of the store while 15 other customers looked on.

An eyewitness tells Us, “The employees kept saying ‘Don’t change out here!’ She’s just like, ‘Well, I couldn’t take them in the fitting room!’ It was like dealing with a child.”

Spears’ tantrum only continued. “The staff told her she had to pay, and she rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card,” the source tells Us. As payback, “on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!”

(source)

At this point, I think we can agree that Britney is the antichrist. I bet she has that tattoo on her hand that lets her get stuff for free like they told us in Sunday School. So I guess this is the rapture. But I haven’t disappeared yet. What the fuck, GOD?

Britney Spears’ court appointed parenting monitor just filed a disparaging report to the court that portrays an apathetic Britney who’s unwilling to make any effort for her chlidren.

The paperwork, filed under seal to LA Superior Court, claims that “[Spears, 25] paid her [monitor] no attention or respect at all, as if she were some employee whom she could blow off,” the source says.

“Britney’s often distracted and in her own world when she has the kids [Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1] and has a hard time focusing,” the insider adds. “She is adamant that she doesn’t have to listen to anybody — that it’s her way or the highway.”

The report went on to say:

Spears is due in court for the custody battle October 26, and the judge “will not look favorably upon” her, the source says. “This is a very damning report. Who knows if Britney will even show?” (source)

I’ve never seen somebody work so hard to be white trash. Britney Spears took the slutty country-come-to-town stereotype, dipped it in Velveeta, threw in some Vienna sausages, rolled it Cheetoes dust and deep fried it so that now, she makes black footed, pig fucking, toothless, trailer park wife beaters look like royalty. Pig fucking royalty - but that’s not the point. The point is: Do they even have laws in California? Britney Spears could get a sabretooth tiger to babysit her kids and she would only get sentenced to 20 pushes on a swing set. Weeeeee!!!

 

In what could be the lamest news all day, Britney Spears was seen leaving a Los Angeles “Medical Building” last night where it is believed that she received some cosmetic enhancements. It looks like she has some lip injections; that, or else she’s one day closer to learning not to talk back to her man. According to TMZ:

Britney Spears practically had her hand surgically attached to her face as she tried to leave a Beverly Hills medical building late Thursday afternoon. But what was she so desperately trying to hide? (source: TMZ)

Oh Snap! No. They. Din’t. See how they used the term surgically right before they talked about the Medical Building? That’s writing folks. That’s why they have a tv show and eleventy millions hits a day and I have write my posts on an etch-a-sketch.

Britney Spears is going to be HEALED! Apparently, when a judge decided that a red neck, wigger was the lesser of two evils and gave K-FED custody of her two children, Britney decided it was time to take the matter to the Lord. Or Indian spirit. Or something.

[She] is said to have organised the meeting with a head shaman near a reservation at the base of America’s Grand Canyon.

A source said: “The head shaman has agreed to perform the ritual on Britney, which is a great honour.

“The shaman will wave sage over her head and daub her temples with a magical potion. And the learned Indians will chant mantra and perform a special dance around her.” (source)

Then they will add some nice chicken stock and a bouquet garnis to the pot, spatchcock her plump body and add a little ‘essence’. BAM!

So yeah, in the out of the frying pan into the bong news of the year, Britney Spears just officially lost custody of her kids to her ex-husband Kevin Federline.

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.” (source)

Judge Gordon is a better man than me, because I would have just thrown them in the lion pit at the zoo. That way at least they’d have a shot. Little kids are crafty like that.

Update: Us Magazine has a completly flaccid and un-sizzling update on this story:

Despite losing custody of her sons for the time being, the court specified that Spears must still adhere to the orders from a September 17th hearing, in which she was labeled a “habitual” user of controlled substances. Those orders include: attending counseling, meeting with a parenting coach and submitting to twice-weekly random drug tests. (source)

“Looka dat girl n’dem daisy dukes…”

Jessica Simpson in Daisy Dukes working the slutty honkey tonk bar maid look, except there are no slutty honkeytonk barmaids who look this good. After a lifetime of missed opportunities, failed relationships, unplanned pregnancies and a predilection to men who are either cowboys or bikers, most of these chicks have been pulling the taps too long to be wearing these kinds of outfits - but they still do. And every night they strap in the sagging rack that used to make the boys come running, pull on the too-tight short-shorts, fire up a crumpled Marlboro Red and click on the neon beer signs in the front window -wondering which booze soaked redneck will roll off her later tonight as she cries herself to sleep. Happy Birthday mom.