NSFW – Fatback Media

According to a recent article, Kelley Preston and John Travolta are urging Katie Holmes to have a "silent" birth".

Scientology couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston are urging Katie
Holmes to have a ‘silent birth’ when she delivers fiance Tom Cruise’s
baby next year and follow the church’s strict doctrines.

Scientologists
believe children should be brought into the world without any fuss and
be allowed to quietly get used to their surroundings. That means no
music, no chatting and no expressions of pain from the mother.

Preston
explains: "It’s just because everything in moments of pain is really
recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of
sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them
(babies) in their future."

Wait. What? No sound at all? Not even maniacal laughter? Unless you are having Rosemary’s Baby, then I am pretty sure its more traumatic to have a kid with creepy cult members quietly staring at your vagina, than pretty much any other way I can think of.  And I am an expert. I have my father’s eyes.  I am sure that the spawn child will thank his biological progenitors someday for the ‘quiet birth’ by becoming the bestest serial killer ever.

*UPDATE- to see what Katie looked like before the Dianetics kicked in click here. (NSFW after the jump)

The great Gawker.com has reported that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have called it quits. The US Magazine Issue that hit the shelves this morning has the newly-split couple on the cover.

After enduring a year of rumors that their marriage was in trouble, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have really split. The bitter back story behind their final decision to separate.

Gawker relates that the article details several reasons for the untimely breakup including:

…creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica’s “diva” behavior, and her
fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources
close to the couple says, “Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl
America fell in love with anymore.”

I’m not sure who was even in love with Jessica, but I know we were all (and still are) amazed by her ginormous boobies   meteoric rise to stardom. Again, classic case of country-come-to-town. You take a repressed ultra-Christian teenager, who is not quite sure what to think about those late night back rubs from papa Simpson, and throw her into the bright lights-big city and she’s going to go buck wild. But, here’s how the whole thing is going to play out. She’ll party for a few months a la Lohan , probably do the coke-nudity-public drunkeness trifecta aka pulling a Tara.  Then, when she is burnt right down to the nub and she is an unmarketable property she will cry for Oprah and say she lost touch with the Lord.  A box of Kleenex +  an Oprah confession =  career revitalized.  God I love the south.

I know, I know…but for the three of you living in the burned out yellow Gran Torino [on cinder blocks with a coat hanger for a radio antenna] in the back lot of the old drive in who haven’t seen it… I give you the South Park Version of the Best Joke Ever Told. Enjoy. Obviously NSFW. Unless you use headphones or work in a strip club. In which case, I hate you.