NSFW – Fatback Media

Vanessa Minnillo is one of the prettiest girls on the planet. And she’s from down south. Well, she lived in South Carolina and won a bunch of beauty contests in high school and probably dated college guys the whole time. Bitch. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, I guess all that pretty will be riding around with Nick Lachey for a while, because he just got paid.

[T]he Star says he ended up walking away with $10 million in cash and prizes, which he may now spend on Vanessa Minillo and other Jessica replacements.(source)

I’ve been working on my street dance moves in my bedroom at night and sometimes I can even hear Nick speaking to me from that glossy poster of him I have taped over my bed. “You got the moves, kid. You got the moves” Then we sing, and I make a whole dance routine for our new band 99 degrees. It’s a lot like his old group. Just ONE.DEGREE. HOTTER.

So, I got some flack from a friend of mine the other day about these “better than…” link posts. Something along the lines of losing your journalistic integrity and selling out like a cheap whore. It really hit home. I told her that I don’t get paid to link to other sites and I only link to sites that I like and articles that I actually read. Plus I am a cheap whore who is trying to buy love through traffic from other sites because my mommy never held me and my daddy was an abusive alcoholic. Satisfied, god damn it? It makes me needy. Needy for safe internet love. Have you seen my MySpace? I’m practically the king.

Mischa Barton disappears from promo posters for The O.C. Coincidence? Or do they just fucking hate her like everyone else? (I’m not obsessed)

Sophia Bush Mega Post from the Teen Choice Awards. Sophia has been under my radar till now since I refuse to watch WB shows because the network sucks. She is so pretty that it’s an abomination. She makes angels weep with envy. (Guilty Obsession)

Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong shave each other’s chests and frolic. Hot man love ensues! Or jogging. Whatever. (Gossip or Truth)

Whorish actresses and models in photo shoots trying to look natural but ending up looking whorishly stupid. Except for Elisha Cuthbert. (NSFW) (Drunken Stepfather)

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo hit the pool while visions of a girl that doesn’t have noassitol dance in his head.(The Bastardly)

Jesus H. Macy would like to kick Lindsay Lohan’s ass. The bring her bruised shit home for a three way with Felicity. (Yeeeah!)

Invincible is an inspiring story about love, life and giving it all you got- if you’re a Disney exec. Otherwise it’s just eh. (Pajiba)

According to a completely unreliable source that I found via here, Nick Lachey has a small penis and Jessica Simpson is telling the world.

“Nick Lachey didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.”

“Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”

Having your insanely hot ex-girlfriend verbally emasculate you by saying that you have a small penis is tantamount to physical castration. She might as well have just cut his balls off at the mall and made a necklace out of them. “Hey look, I have Nick Lacheys balls! Around my neck! They were attached to his tiny, tiny penis!”

The sad thing is that he could be hung like Russian pack horse, but a lot of good that’ll do him now. He’s not going to get laid for at least 17 years and even if he does, girls will perceive that his penis is tiny because of the negative publicity. It’s like when you’re a waitress in a restaurant and one table complains about the food, so then everyone starts complaining. Except in this case, the food is Jessica Simpson and the people are his penis. Wait. The penis is the food and Jessica Simpson is a waitress. Wait. Eww. Shit. Jessica is the penis and people are the complaint. GOD DAMN IT. Whatever.

This is why you always send a dozen roses to a girl the day after you break up. Or, you can make a plater cast of your penis and put it on your mantle for your dates to see like I did. Although, I was out of pink water color paint, so I painted it dark brown, which seems to kind of freak some people out.