NSFW - Fatback Media

Sexy beefcake Jessica Beil is apparently opening the door to rumors that she might be a lesbian. I actually just made all that up. But what kind of salacious news hound would I be if I went with something like: Jessica Bie really admires Jennifer Aniston, both as an actor and a woman whose strength and perseverance are a model for us all? That last one doesn’t quite give me the same wood as thinking about Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston making out in my living room.

“I understand being sexy, men love you, that’s great. But what’s really important is that women want to hang out with you. “That’s what I love about Jennifer Aniston - I watch her films and I think I love her. I really want to be her friend! (source)

Oh. Really. That sounds less like a steaming shower of boobies and girl on girl make outs and more like Jessica Biel sitting outside Jennifer Aniston’s apt in her car smoking cigarettes trying to get the nerve up to leave the teddy bear and hand made love note on her door step. Damn. Here are some pictures os Jessica Beil nude fromback inthe day,just in case you forgot why she’s #1 in your spank bank.

Links if you made it this far;

• Uncle Kracker is a perv. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears to bring her oral talents to the VMA’s. (IBBB)
• Vanessa Minnillo nude! Or someone Asian nude! Or a girl with a tan and dark hair and the hariest beave I’ve ever seen, nude! (Notorious)
• White folks and old black folks say the darnedest things! (Don’t Judge Me)
• Buffy (2) is blonde again (INO)
• Paris is a poorly dressed whore. (Bumpshack)
• Natalie Martinez say hola. (Bastardly)
• CNN rips their anchor because she wanted help promote healthy boobies. (Seriously OMG)
• Nadine Coyle has a huge rack. (Jordan)
• Porn stars should burn out, not fade away. (Holy candy)
• Stripes make that ass phatter. (CH)

Obligatory post. Lindsay Lohan drunk wielding a fat rack and a steely blade with an equally drunken Vanessa Minillo deserves a post even if it’s hackneyed and 3 days too late. I’ve never been a fetishist; I like my sex dirty and against a wall like most red blooded Americans, but there’s something about a hot chick with cold steel blade that conjures up something medieval in me. Like Highlander porn. There can be only one. Unless there’s two.

LINKS.

• Fergie looking kinda pretty. She’d look better with Santoku. (Gabsmash)
• Allison Stokke gallery. She’s the chick who cried about being called hot on the internet. Guess what? STFU. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Petra Nemcova is hot and fucking enjoys it. (DS)
• PoshS pice is a fat whore. Fatty. (Bumpshack)
• I wonder if Allison Stokke will ever end up here? (CH)
• Jessica Simpson gets dissed. (Holly Scoop)
• Liv Tyler and Kate Bosworth. Hot girl on girl action. (Jordan)
• The Hilton clan is larger than we thought. Fuck. (EvilBeet)

So our servers are back online and I am finally out of NORAD for the duration, although I did get to play some computer chess with Joshua. Hopefully, the anal raping we gave the servers will teach them a lesson: never fail me. Never. Anyhoo. I have some stories on deck and Emily does too so we’ll get those up ASAP. Till then here is Ashlee Simpson’s nipple and some hot links to tide you over, sugar.

• Vanessa Minnillo is a dirty bird. Just like I like ‘em. (Yeeeah)
• Lisa Dergan is hot. Yeah.No clue. (Bastardly)
• Always a good time for College boobies. Especially girl college boobies. (College Humor)
• Olsen Twin Nip Slips. Uncle Jesse! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Scarlett Johansson is a fussy bitch. Justin Timberlake is a whiny bitch. (INO)
• Prince is going to start his own magazine. That will be the nastiest porn ever. I just had a mini-O. (Glitterati)
• Jessica Simpson is wo’ out.So Joe is all about some Ashlee now. (Socialite’s Life)
• Justin T and Cameron D are broke the fuck up. (Popbytes)
• Angie Harmon See thru. Sexy Southern nipples y’all! (Subvert)

To all you sexy people who were worried about us in our absence, thanks. The battle station is fully operational now.

MTV starlet Vanessa Minillo recently caught attention of Carolina Hurricanes players Eric Staal and Eric Cole at the NHL season kickoff party. Boyfriend Nick Lachey may have competition. Fight, fight!

NICK Lachey had better keep a close eye on girlfriend Vanessa Minillo. The MTV hottie caught the eyes of Eric Staal and Eric Cole of the Carolina Hurricanes the other night at Marquee at the NHL season kickoff party sponsored by FHM magazine. Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist was there, as well as Peter Forsberg and Darius Kasparaitis, plus hockey fans Tim Robbins and his son Miles. But not even Minillo could hold the players’ attention when the Stanley Cup was unveiled for the first time with the two Hurricanes’ names on it. (source)

As a devoted, enthusiastic hockey fan and an even more so, a loyal follower of the Carolina ‘Canes (reprazent!), I just want to tell Vanessa Minnillo to BACK THE FUCK UP, BITCH. I had my eyes on Staal and Cole long before your twiggy, gold-digging, soul-sucking ass showed up on the scene. It wasn’t enough that dejected Nick ran to your doorstep, but now you’re entertaining the ogles of two men who clearly belong to me? The last time a bitch meddled in my love affairs, she ended up on a stretcher with a stiletto up her kidney with her little red Porsche “parked” in the front glass window of Winn Dixie. I keep the pimp hand strong and I’m quick to slap a ho. Consider this your warning. Homewrecker.

Vanessa Minnillo is one of the prettiest girls on the planet. And she’s from down south. Well, she lived in South Carolina and won a bunch of beauty contests in high school and probably dated college guys the whole time. Bitch. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, I guess all that pretty will be riding around with Nick Lachey for a while, because he just got paid.

[T]he Star says he ended up walking away with $10 million in cash and prizes, which he may now spend on Vanessa Minillo and other Jessica replacements.(source)

I’ve been working on my street dance moves in my bedroom at night and sometimes I can even hear Nick speaking to me from that glossy poster of him I have taped over my bed. “You got the moves, kid. You got the moves” Then we sing, and I make a whole dance routine for our new band 99 degrees. It’s a lot like his old group. Just ONE.DEGREE. HOTTER.

So, I got some flack from a friend of mine the other day about these “better than…” link posts. Something along the lines of losing your journalistic integrity and selling out like a cheap whore. It really hit home. I told her that I don’t get paid to link to other sites and I only link to sites that I like and articles that I actually read. Plus I am a cheap whore who is trying to buy love through traffic from other sites because my mommy never held me and my daddy was an abusive alcoholic. Satisfied, god damn it? It makes me needy. Needy for safe internet love. Have you seen my MySpace? I’m practically the king.

Mischa Barton disappears from promo posters for The O.C. Coincidence? Or do they just fucking hate her like everyone else? (I’m not obsessed)

Sophia Bush Mega Post from the Teen Choice Awards. Sophia has been under my radar till now since I refuse to watch WB shows because the network sucks. She is so pretty that it’s an abomination. She makes angels weep with envy. (Guilty Obsession)

Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong shave each other’s chests and frolic. Hot man love ensues! Or jogging. Whatever. (Gossip or Truth)

Whorish actresses and models in photo shoots trying to look natural but ending up looking whorishly stupid. Except for Elisha Cuthbert. (NSFW) (Drunken Stepfather)

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo hit the pool while visions of a girl that doesn’t have noassitol dance in his head.(The Bastardly)

Jesus H. Macy would like to kick Lindsay Lohan’s ass. The bring her bruised shit home for a three way with Felicity. (Yeeeah!)

Invincible is an inspiring story about love, life and giving it all you got- if you’re a Disney exec. Otherwise it’s just eh. (Pajiba)

According to a completely unreliable source that I found via here, Nick Lachey has a small penis and Jessica Simpson is telling the world.

“Nick Lachey didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.”

“Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”

Having your insanely hot ex-girlfriend verbally emasculate you by saying that you have a small penis is tantamount to physical castration. She might as well have just cut his balls off at the mall and made a necklace out of them. “Hey look, I have Nick Lacheys balls! Around my neck! They were attached to his tiny, tiny penis!”

The sad thing is that he could be hung like Russian pack horse, but a lot of good that’ll do him now. He’s not going to get laid for at least 17 years and even if he does, girls will perceive that his penis is tiny because of the negative publicity. It’s like when you’re a waitress in a restaurant and one table complains about the food, so then everyone starts complaining. Except in this case, the food is Jessica Simpson and the people are his penis. Wait. The penis is the food and Jessica Simpson is a waitress. Wait. Eww. Shit. Jessica is the penis and people are the complaint. GOD DAMN IT. Whatever.

This is why you always send a dozen roses to a girl the day after you break up. Or, you can make a plater cast of your penis and put it on your mantle for your dates to see like I did. Although, I was out of pink water color paint, so I painted it dark brown, which seems to kind of freak some people out.