NSFW – Fatback Media

Tom Cruise worries Katie is a fat, fat water rat and she should spend her days in the gym rather than nursing and coddling their wonder daughter, Suri. Lazy.

It seems Tom Cruise has a new mission these days — helping Katie Holmes reclaim her former hardbodied physique. According to sources close to the couple, Tom has become “very concerned” about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie’s workout regimen as a result.

According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be “looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle.”

In addition to joining her strenuous workout sessions, Tom also makes sure that Katie’s strict workout schedule is not interrupted by personally booking babysitters for the kids. (source)

So, Tom will do whatever it takes for Katie to look her best, which I’ll bet includes fellating summoning the spirits of the beyond to purge Katie’s body of the wicked toxins causing her slow weight loss after SHE JUST HAD A BABY. Damnit Katie! Why can’t you be a super-human, omnipresent phenomenon like your future husband? Lazy bitch.Tom Cruise for President Galactic Emperor2008 and beyond. I like how Katie is 90 lbs in that picture but she needs to lose weight. What a fat, fatty.

Afternoon links futhatass.

Melissa Joan Hart bewitchingly getting back into MILFilicious shape. Clarissa is almost back in action kids. (The Bastardly)

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself with pills like a little girl. Pussy. (Bumpshack)

Screech made a Sex Tape with a Dirty Sanchez money shot. Fucking amatuer. (College Humor)

Jesus told me that Oprah was gay. Jesus loves me, so I know it’s true. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brad Pitt will NOT be replacing tom Cruise in MI:IV. The part of Ethan Hunt will be played by Jason Dohring. Conspiracy? (Yes. I made that up) (Smart)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes trying to keep a low profile while eating out at the MOST PHOTOGRAPHED RESTAURANT in LA. They’re sinister! (INO)

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty [insert drugs here] and then [drug usage here] followed by copius [drugs]. CRACK! (Yeeeah)

So the site has been pretty quiet lately, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working my ass off for you. I went through hell to get the juicy tidbits that I’ll be revealing this week. I can’t really say much about how, or what just yet, but the trip was like most of my relationships: it started off in a hot place, got awkward and ended in blood and tears (mostly my own). Here are the top stories from the weekend.

Kristin Cavallari has a MySpace Account. Her profile is set to private but I really want her to be my online friend. OMG. Right? ROFL!

Faceoff between Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. Who works out the best in black tights. My money is on Jessica Biel because I fear her powerful muscles.(The Bastardly)

Veronica Mars Season 3 Synopsis from the ultra famous KS at GMMR. (GMMR)

Lindsay Lohan tells her mom to go to hell at a restaurant. Her mom asked to either start wearing panties or draw a face down there with a magic marker or something because people are getting freaked out. (Glitterati)

Tom Cruise just happened to go to a Redskins game and the owner of the Redskins just happened to give him 3 million dollars. Coincidence? (INO)

So late last night while the world slept I was working for you people. I was busy bringing you the hottest story of the day/week/month. Many Bothans died for this information. Well not really. Some person emails me this shit while I sleep off the red wine buzz.

“I was overjoyed in being pregnant,” she said, “and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.”

Of speculation in the press, Holmes says: “All those things were invented.”

So it’s official. Suri Cruise is a real live 3 year old Asian kid with blue eyes and a 1970’s haircut. Is it me or does Suri have eyes like that baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Suri Cruise: “You are all doomed…”