NSFW - Fatback Media

Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee - a small-town girl from Illinois - insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”

“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)

Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think they’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.

And we’re not referring to Rosie O’Donnell, but a real pig. Zing! I’m so bad. No really, I am. Bless my southern girl’s heart.

Victoria Beckham’s US visit didn’t go as well as she’d have us all believe, after it was revealed she was the victim of a pig attack. The incident happened when the Queen of Pout was viewing schools in LA for her three sons. As she visited a science block in one school, a pack of pot belly pigs made a b-line for the would-be fashion guru. A source told the National Enquirer, ‘

Victoria was being shown around the science lab when two pet pot-bellied pigs, who are allowed to roam free, snuffled up to her.’ Instead of warming to the pigs and petting them, Posh fled the scene with the source adding, ‘She screamed, ‘Get it away!’, and tried to run away in her high heels. It was hysterical, everyone was trying so hard not to laugh.’ (source)

Pork fat rules. But I’m going to be uncharacteristically sympathetic. She probably doesn’t even know what a pig looks like. She looks likes the only protein she gets is liquid. (Again. I am bad person.) She prolly thought the pig was a Scientology spirit trying to infiltrate her body in order to drain her life force for the greater good of planet Neuromac. Where is Tom Cruise when you need him? But just to be sure no harmful energy penetrated her soul and compromised her being, she might want to consider a colonic and a 30-day detox plan. Don’t fuck with her chi. Bitches.

Jennifer Lopez is considering the doctrine of Scientology to help her conceive. Superhot Socialite’s Life has the deets…

The MAID IN MANHATTAN star, who recently attended the Italian wedding of top celebrity Scientologist TOM CRUISE, is reportedly taking tips from actress LEAH REMINI, who used the religion’s doctrines when she was trying to conceive her first child. According to American publication Life + Style, Lopez became interested in Scientology when Remini confided in her that the religion helped her conceive. An insider tells the publication, “She’s starting to understand the cleansing process. It’s all about putting the positive energy where you want it.” The source insists Lopez and her husband MARC ANTHONY are unlikely to join the church because he’s a devout Catholic, but “he’s willing to let Jen do what she needs to make things happen.” (From Contact Music Via source)

I think Mark Anthony may not want to join Scientology because they may find out that he made his way into this world by punching a hole through someone’s chest and crawling out. I’ve seen prettier faces on medical cadavers. Eeek. I don’t “get” Scientology. I usually cleanse myself with the positive energy of a strappy pair of Jimmy Choos and a deep tissue massage (with release) using a stolen credit card.  But not yours. We’re friends like that.
 

It’s Friday, y’all and that’s my time to show my internet love for my sexy blogger posse. We ride around in hoopties, flickin’ switches, rollin’ on twennifoes. It’s ah’ite, bitches.

• Kim “The Cougar” Catrall flashes some fur at a book signing. She’s come a long way since Mannequin. (Subvert)
• They’re back from Argentina with an Emmanuelle Chriqui spread that is sure to give you carpel tunnel. (Bastardly)
• Britney and her boobs head to Miami. (INO)
• Lindsay Lohan called Paris a cunt. Isn’t that like a spade calling a spade a fucking shovel? (Bricks and Stones)
• Jesus loves you. And he loves country music. And boobies. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Oscar movies have three things: They’re way too long, a dude has to cry, and the good guys die. Oscar, say hello to “Babel”. (Pajiba)
• Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson are haters. O.R. They? (Yeeeah)
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding news! Who cares? (Glitterati)

Tom Cruise worries Katie is a fat, fat water rat and she should spend her days in the gym rather than nursing and coddling their wonder daughter, Suri. Lazy.

It seems Tom Cruise has a new mission these days — helping Katie Holmes reclaim her former hardbodied physique. According to sources close to the couple, Tom has become “very concerned” about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie’s workout regimen as a result.

According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be “looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle.”

In addition to joining her strenuous workout sessions, Tom also makes sure that Katie’s strict workout schedule is not interrupted by personally booking babysitters for the kids. (source)

So, Tom will do whatever it takes for Katie to look her best, which I’ll bet includes fellating summoning the spirits of the beyond to purge Katie’s body of the wicked toxins causing her slow weight loss after SHE JUST HAD A BABY. Damnit Katie! Why can’t you be a super-human, omnipresent phenomenon like your future husband? Lazy bitch.Tom Cruise for President Galactic Emperor2008 and beyond. I like how Katie is 90 lbs in that picture but she needs to lose weight. What a fat, fatty.

Afternoon links futhatass.

Melissa Joan Hart bewitchingly getting back into MILFilicious shape. Clarissa is almost back in action kids. (The Bastardly)

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself with pills like a little girl. Pussy. (Bumpshack)

Screech made a Sex Tape with a Dirty Sanchez money shot. Fucking amatuer. (College Humor)

Jesus told me that Oprah was gay. Jesus loves me, so I know it’s true. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brad Pitt will NOT be replacing tom Cruise in MI:IV. The part of Ethan Hunt will be played by Jason Dohring. Conspiracy? (Yes. I made that up) (Smart)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes trying to keep a low profile while eating out at the MOST PHOTOGRAPHED RESTAURANT in LA. They’re sinister! (INO)

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty [insert drugs here] and then [drug usage here] followed by copius [drugs]. CRACK! (Yeeeah)

So the site has been pretty quiet lately, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working my ass off for you. I went through hell to get the juicy tidbits that I’ll be revealing this week. I can’t really say much about how, or what just yet, but the trip was like most of my relationships: it started off in a hot place, got awkward and ended in blood and tears (mostly my own). Here are the top stories from the weekend.

Kristin Cavallari has a MySpace Account. Her profile is set to private but I really want her to be my online friend. OMG. Right? ROFL!

Faceoff between Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. Who works out the best in black tights. My money is on Jessica Biel because I fear her powerful muscles.(The Bastardly)

Veronica Mars Season 3 Synopsis from the ultra famous KS at GMMR. (GMMR)

Lindsay Lohan tells her mom to go to hell at a restaurant. Her mom asked to either start wearing panties or draw a face down there with a magic marker or something because people are getting freaked out. (Glitterati)

Tom Cruise just happened to go to a Redskins game and the owner of the Redskins just happened to give him 3 million dollars. Coincidence? (INO)

So late last night while the world slept I was working for you people. I was busy bringing you the hottest story of the day/week/month. Many Bothans died for this information. Well not really. Some person emails me this shit while I sleep off the red wine buzz.

“I was overjoyed in being pregnant,” she said, “and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.”

Of speculation in the press, Holmes says: “All those things were invented.”

So it’s official. Suri Cruise is a real live 3 year old Asian kid with blue eyes and a 1970’s haircut. Is it me or does Suri have eyes like that baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Suri Cruise: “You are all doomed…”

Did Tom Cruise get to Matt Lauer? Well not really. (Attorneys, put down the cease and desist) But he did recently defend Tom Cruise. Cruise who was recently fired by Paramount for being a lunatic erratic behavior, found an unlikley champion in Matt Lauer.

“You know what, I have to say something. You talk about erratic behavior and things like that affecting the box-office and yes maybe he jumped on a couch, and I was in the middle of one of those episodes here on the Today show and maybe he speaks out about Scientology and some people don’t like that.”

“But what about the stars who are in and out of rehab every week? Is that any worse? And yet you find movie companies still in business with them. So, this is all a strange world we live in.” (source)

So is Matt drinking the Kool-Aid? Or, is he just a swell guy? You decide while looking at Tom Cruise’s wife naked. Here’s Kate, then known as Katie Holmes, hot off the Dawson’s Creek and frontally nude in the The Gift. (NSFW of course)

So yeah. You wake up wanting some southern fried goodness for your morning cubicle slackoff session and get this. Another god damn link post. Well at least the links are good. I’m off making the world safer for puppies and orphans and swimsuit models who have lost their tops (oops!), but I’ll be back to full speed soon. I got some really good dirt on someone and there might be some nice changes around here soon. Stay tuned…

Tom Cruise booted by Paramount for being a god damn freak. (Glitterati)

Watch Prison Break premier online for free (GMMR)

Kathy Griffin pole dancer. Yikes. (INO)

Jessica Simpson is a natural blonde. Even under the wig? (ICYDK)

The Beckhamsl ooking hot but photoshopped. (Bricks and Stones)

Collien Fernandes in German Maxim. Mach schnell! (The Bastardly)