“I need money. I used to be a stick up kid…”

I hope all of you enjoyed Dead Presidents’ Day like I did. I spent a shit load of Benji’s (and brotha wasn’t even the prez) on booze and strippers and watched Swedish porn on my Five-O Plasma. What I didn’t do, was post shit all week. Just bullshit link posts like this one. Now I’m back in it to win it. I’m all caught up on Lost and 24 so I’m ready to hit the gossip circuit, bitches. I’m kinda tired so I’m going through my CD cases for residue. Enjoy the links. And Keeley Hazell because British chicks are usually hot, and I like the way she chews gum.

• Get your drink gadgets on, baby (Crave)
• Jesus talked to Tara Reid. Splash News are whores. (DS)
• Paris Hilton wants you to knock her the FUCK OUT. (Bastardly)
• Obligatory College Girl Boobies. (CH)
• I think Howard K Stern did it. Did what? Well, you decide. (Yeeeah)
• Pick your favorite Britney Hairstyle (INO)
• Brad and Angelina try and drum up some give-a-shit in New orleans. (Gossip or Truth)
• LonelyGirl15 is really a whore. Not really but that makes my Adsense checks better. (Glitterati)
• Bloggers speak out about Britney Spears shaving her head. (Bumpshack)
• Keely Brook is British and mostly naked. Cheerio! (FHM)
• Antonella Barba, American Idol hopeful, blowjob caps (IDLYITW)

I know this week’s posts have been lesbian heavy so I decided to give something back to my lesbian soul sistahs and put up some pictures of super caliente Eve Mendes. Remember me at the GLAAD Awards. Everyone else can click the links.

• Mariska Hargitay MILF’s it up at the SAG Awards. (Bastardly)
• Tara Reid’s new plastic sugery is okay with Jesus. (DS)
• Eva Mendes accessorizes with a back brace. Still sexy. (Yeeeah)
• Smokin’ Aces reviewed. I saw this flick. It’s like Ocean’s 12 meets Reservoir Dogs. With Alicia Keyes cleavage. (Pajiba)
• Zooey Deschanel is hot and so is sister who is on Bones. Bones. Heh heh. (Smart)
• Jaime Pressly is hot and pregnant. What? You’d hit it. (Subvert)
• “Armed and Famous” just blew it’s own brains out. PONCH!?! (Socialite’s Life)
• Make some T-shirts about how cool you think you are. (Cafepress)
• Episode Recap of this week’s 24. I think there is a waterskiing scene next week. (GMMR)

Also here’s a link to iFilm’s superbowl ads in streaming FLASH 8 QUALITY! Or so they tell me.

No, I am not implying, nor should you infer that sexy, southern Emily Proctor is the anti-Christ. I’m saying that all women are devils, duh. Sexy devils. Anyway, ’tis the season for friends, happiness and joy and all that shit. So here are some X-mas linX to get you all in the spirit of thingX.

• “Christmas Wishes from the Antichrist”. Check my new story over at Collegehumor.com and don’t forget to vote for it when you’re done. (College Humor)
• New Bastardly Jailbait Lady of the Day (Bastardly)
• Are you sexy and southern? Know someone who is? Or just wanted to pimp this site on your thong? But some X-mas gifts! (FB&C Store)
• Tara Reid. Drunk again. Redundant much? (Smart)
• Want good gadgets for cheap? Check out this totally unsolicited link. (BCD)
• The Jolie-Pitts look like the “it’s a small world” ride at Disney. (Tabloid Whore)
• More boobies with college names drunkenly scrawled on them. Sexy not trashy. For reals. (College humor)
• Pauly Shore is a faker. Idiot. (Celebslam)

Emily here y’all. Fatback is down south this week stirring up some news and corrupting sorority girls with his southern charm. Reports are spinning that Britney Spears has plans to release a homemade sex tape with soon-to-be ex-husband Kevin Federline in an effort to prevent Kevin from making profit from the sale.

The ‘Toxic’ singer was left fuming after Kevin reportedly threatened to sell the X-rated footage – which is said to feature the couple romping on their honeymoon – to online porn mogul David Hans Schmidt.
To prevent the former dancer from profiting from the footage, which could be worth up to £120 million, Britney has apparently made the decision to give it away for free.
Kevin, 28, allegedly offered the footage to Schmidt – who has been involved with several other celebrity sex tapes, including those of Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton – just a day after Britney filed for divorce.
Schmidt said: “Two days after Britney filed for divorce I was contacted by an individual who indicated he had a digital video of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline having sex.”
(source)

For some reason releasing a sex tape elevates one’s celebrity into a category of hot only attainable by Brazilian models with broken English and smiles that will kill a man before dessert. Or, conversely, it casts you down into the category of trashy blondes [somehow always relevant in the media] occupied by Pam Anderson, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Either way, you’re headlining movie night at the men’s correctional facility and a goddess to pimple-faced prurient pre-teens. Everyone has goals. Like my goal to trap swoon an aging Saudi Prince and become queen of my own Carribean Island. Dare to dream, Britney.

Update: Yeah, so it looks like the tape may be a hoax which saves me from accidentally running across it on PornoTube and having to gouge my own eyes out with a Williams-Sonoma soft-grip melon-baller. Ta!

Hey y’all Em, here. Just marveling at those giant, ridiculous ta-tas. OMG. Tara Reid stated she recently had restorative plastic surgery to fix the damage from her previous implant and liposuction surgeries. So, not only is her brain plastic, but most of the rest of her body is as well. ZING! The new Us Weekly has details of her botched surgeries including a joint implant-liposuction procedure. Tara tells the full story.

On why she had plastic surgery in the first place:
“I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34-B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now, but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I’m in Hollywood, I’m getting older, I’m going to fix them.”

On what went wrong:
“First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn’t want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better.’ But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.” (source)

Well that’s what happens when you’re so strung out on booze and coke; naturally, you make bad decisions. Like going to a shady plastic surgeon in Guadalajara for a “routine” nose job. And then participating in a coke fueled Mexican “donkey” show and subsequently starting a riot to free the animals. And then the Mexican police showed up and you spent three days explaining yourself in broken Spanish to crooked cops who just laughed a lot and watched poorly directed porn on an 8-inch monitor. But eventually your college roommate’s brother bailed you out of jail (you never questioned his law degree or license) and you got sober and now I’m you’re volunteering with children and animal shelters and your life’s a fucking Hallmark card. Go figure. Here’s Tara looking cute as a button back in the B-cup days before she was ravaged by drugs, hordes of angry men and an unlicensed physician.

Share the naked celebrity goodness, y'all!

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