NSFW - Fatback Media » Suri Cruise

Better than pork cracklins and PBR

Fatback — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 14:45:31 +0000

Katharine McPhee, who seems to only show up at events lately and doesn’t seem to be doing anything musical, still has a perfect rack. And that makes her my American Idol. Katherine McPhee is also a fan of Sanjaya Malakar, apparently:

“First of all, I think Sanjaya is an absolute phenomenon. Every year, there’s something that makes the show even bigger than it was the year before. I’m on the Sanjaya train! I’m like, ‘Go Sanjaya!’ “(source)

This is Katharine at the 9th Annual Young Hollywood Awards show; which seems to be more of a PR vehicle than an actual awards show. Wait that’s ALL AWARD SHOWS. Case in point, Kat McPhee received the “Exciting New Vocalist” award from Randy Jackson and Katharine Heigl received the “Superstar of Tomorrow” award from TR Knight. That’s like the time my mom gave me the coveted “best son in the world” award when I was 10. I got half of a 7-11 turkey sandwich, a pack of Fun Dip and a Big Gulp cup with “Best Son in the World” written on it in eyeliner pencil. Oh, and bus ticket to back to our home town that turned out to be a used lotto ticket with “bus ticket home” written on it in eyeliner pencil. That’s the last time I ever saw her.

Taryn Manning scares the shit out of me. But I’m still hot for her. Does that make me creepy? (Bastardly)
Morgan Fairchild got some big ass titties. She’s my wife. Yeah, that’s the ticket. (DS)
Kevin Bacon would to like to be six degrees up in Hayden’s Panetierre. ZING! I’m a writer! (Glunp)
Jennifer “call me Love” Hewitt sells underwear. Not hers though. I have most of those anyway. (IBBB)
Jessica Biel + booty = ‘Nuff said. Shazam. (Yeeeah)
Sienna Miller is desperate to be sperminated. Dibs! (Holly Scoop)
Suri Cruise prepares for world domination. Resistance is futile, mutha fucka. (D-Listed)
Bjork. What the Fjork? (Pop Bytes)
Phil Stacey is the new Sanjaya. Rule. (Bumpshack)

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Katie Holmes Is a Fatty

Fatback — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:12:42 +0000

Tom Cruise worries Katie is a fat, fat water rat and she should spend her days in the gym rather than nursing and coddling their wonder daughter, Suri. Lazy.

It seems Tom Cruise has a new mission these days — helping Katie Holmes reclaim her former hardbodied physique. According to sources close to the couple, Tom has become “very concerned” about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie’s workout regimen as a result.

According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be “looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle.”

In addition to joining her strenuous workout sessions, Tom also makes sure that Katie’s strict workout schedule is not interrupted by personally booking babysitters for the kids. (source)

So, Tom will do whatever it takes for Katie to look her best, which I’ll bet includes ~~fellating~~ summoning the spirits of the beyond to purge Katie’s body of the wicked toxins causing her slow weight loss after SHE JUST HAD A BABY. Damnit Katie! Why can’t you be a super-human, omnipresent phenomenon like your future husband? Lazy bitch.Tom Cruise for ~~President~~ Galactic Emperor2008 and beyond. I like how Katie is 90 lbs in that picture but she needs to lose weight. What a fat, fatty.

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Better than…I’m Back bitches!

Fatback — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 11:07:43 +0000

So the site has been pretty quiet lately, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working my ass off for you. I went through hell to get the juicy tidbits that I’ll be revealing this week. I can’t really say much about how, or what just yet, but the trip was like most of my relationships: it started off in a hot place, got awkward and ended in blood and tears (mostly my own). Here are the top stories from the weekend.

Kristin Cavallari has a MySpace Account. Her profile is set to private but I really want her to be my online friend. OMG. Right? ROFL!

Faceoff between Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. Who works out the best in black tights. My money is on Jessica Biel because I fear her powerful muscles.(The Bastardly)

Veronica Mars Season 3 Synopsis from the ultra famous KS at GMMR. (GMMR)

Lindsay Lohan tells her mom to go to hell at a restaurant. Her mom asked to either start wearing panties or draw a face down there with a magic marker or something because people are getting freaked out. (Glitterati)

Tom Cruise just happened to go to a Redskins game and the owner of the Redskins just happened to give him 3 million dollars. Coincidence? (INO)

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Better than…Fresh Meat!

Fatback — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 13:01:14 +0000

I am not a bum. I am a jerk. I once had wealth, power and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and… wait, no, that’s someone else. I’m Emily and I’m an alcoholic.

That’s right, bitches, I’m your new guest writer. I’m an infectious (well, until the antibiotics kick in) brazen southern belle – a combination deadlier than drunk Paris Hilton behind the wheel. Bless her heart! So as Fatback inhales a large bowl of shrimp-n-grits, I’m on a gig to recruit groupies. So far my method involves a 9 question survey, a hookah pipe, photos of Scarlett Johansson’s rack and a Black Crowes ticket stub …cause I rock. I rock hard. Sweet tea, anyone? Here’s what’s happening on your side of the tracks.

Listen to the sweet, soothing baby sounds of Suri Cruise. (Gossip or Truth)

Wicker Man does it’s best to make women look like the power hungry bitches that they are. KIDDING! About the bitches part. (Not a misogynist!) The movie still sucks. And if it’s anything like the original…the good guy gets burned alive at the end. OOPS! (Pajiba)

US Weekly ripped of Yeeeah’s blog design. Think they’ll admit it? Yeah, me either. (Yeeeah!)

Grey’s Anatomy -The Fray S3 video. (GMMR)

Lindsay Lohan keeps the shaved crabtrap under wraps. (The Bastardly)

Penelope Cruz and Matthew MConnaa…MCGoghey..MCcoughlagay…MCwhatever may be back together. (Bumpshack)

Lindsay Lohan was robbed. Her designer purse full of $1M in jewels and pirate booty was stolen from her at the Heathrow Airport. (Subvert)

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Suri Cruise: Not an alien.

Fatback — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 13:20:33 +0000

So late last night while the world slept I was working for you people. I was busy bringing you the hottest story of the day/week/month. Many Bothans died for this information. Well not really. Some person emails me this shit while I sleep off the red wine buzz.

“I was overjoyed in being pregnant,” she said, “and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.”

Of speculation in the press, Holmes says: “All those things were invented.”

So it’s official. Suri Cruise is a real live 3 year old Asian kid with blue eyes and a 1970′s haircut. Is it me or does Suri have eyes like that baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Suri Cruise: “You are all doomed…”

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