NSFW – Fatback Media

Looks like Kevin Federline got is Ferrari back. I don’t know if I have ever met someone who is a higher candidate for blunt-force trauma than Kevin Federline. He has nothing to offer but…well nothing. At least most of the celebutant coat-tail riders today like the Laguna Bitches, Nicole Ritchey and Paris Hilton can pull their tops off in the absense of any redeeming social skills. K-Fed is just a waste. I am not advocating smashing his face in with a huge brick or anything. Wait, yes I am. The mixture of hatred and disappointment that I feel when I see him in this $250,000.00 Ferarri at a McDonald’s drive-through is a little like seeing your little sister walk out of a strip club at 7:00am because her shift is over. To be fair my sister doesn’t work at a strip club. She works at a wellness spa that offers Asian deep tissue massage (with release).

Alright, so this isn’t exactly breaking news. I am sure you have heard all about the Nick and Jessica break-up at any number of reputable web-sites. Well if there is one thing that this site isn’t, it’s reputable. In fact, I would go so far as to say that we are the dirtiest, most disreputable site on the internets. Which is why, dear reader, you are reading this right now. Do you want journalism with cited sources and evidence? Hells no!  You want the dirt. We have it. Even if we make it up and pay people to make it true. That’s the American way, by God. And we are fucking Americans. Except for the IT guy. Oh, and the hosting provider (they’re Canadian?). Uh, and the head writer and the copy editor. Yeah, but everyone else is grade A, fucking red, white and blue, baby. So in light of that. I offer this little bit of insight about the so called break up of one Ms. Jessica Simpson and Mr. Nick Lachey. The carefully excecuted media spin by Joe Simpson reports over the holiday went like this:

"After
three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have
decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an
enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that
you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

According to reports, the "last straw" for Jessica was last week when Nick was seen at a NASCAR Porn party (wtf?).

Lachey and fellow newly single pal A.J.
DiScala hit Miami Beach nightclub Mansion at around 1 a.m. Saturday,
unwittingly walking into a party hosted by Hustler publisher Larry
Flynt and porn star Ron Jeremy.Once they realized they were at an X-rated bash, Lachey and DiScala beat a hasty retreat.

And by hasty retreat, I mean they stayed all night long. Here’s the part you came for: Last week we reported that Jessica Simpson was (well might be) pregnant. Then, a week later she called it quits with her husband Nick Lachey. In a news flash that I just made up, it appears that she is pregnant but not with Nick’s baby. According to some super-foxy friends of my girlfriend that I met in Connecticut, pictures of Jessica taken during her recent trip to Africa showed that her roots were long overdue for a touch-up.  (I. to tha mutha fuckin’ E.–she’s pregnant*.) The made-up source that I interviewed for this story went on to say that she’s pregnant with Johnny Knoxville’s baby. Knoxville, who starred with Jessica in the recent dud "the Dukes of Hazzard" declined comment. In fact, I declined to interview him. Fucking Hollywood stars and their stupid unlisted numbers.

*Whoa. A non-sequiter, an insult, a claim with no basis in fact, and a rip-off of another blogger all in one statement. Gold. Pure gold.

Paris Hilton has a monkey. It’s been a pretty slow day and now this. If you’re like me then when you read that headline the first thing that went through your head was "What the fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck?"  A goddamn monkey. I rarely rant. really. Fuck it I need some time. Here’s the article:

Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend. We’re told that Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars on Saturday with the beast on her shoulder. Paris managed to pull Baby Luv off her and hooked his leash to a cabinet while she rang up $4,000 worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip, says our eyewitness.

Later that night, when the lingerie line hosted Kelly Osbourne’s 21st birthday bash at the Hard Rock, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton’s clutches — delaying the start of the Agent Provocateur show until staffers found him after a 20-minute search.

It escaped, huh? Yeah, well no shit dumbass! ITS. A. GOD. DAMN. MONKEY. I wish I was an heiress, then I could play with all the magical creatures in the land and have them do my bidding. Then when I go tired of them I would make my rich, powerful daddy have them removed. I don’t even know how to finish this post. Guaranteed, Paris has a Lemur purse by Christmas.

And by stylish, I mean not at all. Not much going on today so I think I’ll just talk about my love for Cloe Sevigny. And by love I mean she is a dirty freak. Now we have all seen the Brown Bunny Blow job clip so there is really no reason for me to link it. None at all. But I will.
Link to Cloe Sevigny giving a guy a fucking blowjob because she is a classy artist.
I don’t know what all the fuss is about her. According to IMDB:

Known in the mid to late nineties for her status as a fashion
impresario and "it girl," with over a dozen art house films to her
credit, Chloe Sevigny also stands out as one of the most prominent
queens of contemporary independent cinema.

I think her fashion sense speaks for itself and, as for her acting- I liked her as Odette in Palmetto but that’s about it. I guess she could be hot in that non-traditional Piggly Wiggly cashier way, but I just don’t see it. But to prove that I am not a mysogynistic meany-pants I have posted few not-so-shitty images of Cloe after the jump.

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