Katie Holmes is pissed. New York Post reports that a young virgin has changed her name to Katee Holmes and will be starting a porn career, in which she will lose her virginity in her first film. Get it? Katie, Katee? Duh.

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee – a small-town girl from Illinois – insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ”

“I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it,” the not-that-innocent Katee said. “How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?” (source)

Man, what a whore. But guys love whores. I think they’re taken aside at an early age and shown cheap porn mags like Cheri, or Oui, forever conditioning them to hit on the cheapest, sluttiest girl in the bar. That being said, it’s like Katee stole the idea right out of my goddamned head. No doubt you will be lined up to see this nubile, young thing lose her love flower, wishing you were the one giving her the bulging love stick. What the fuck did I just say? Anyway, instead, you are crying, realizing you just lost your virginity to the 19 year-old hag babysitter who punched you in the face as she called you the wrong name. Then she made you get her McDonalds. Sucked to be you. Loser. More Katee. I mean Katie. I mean Kate.

Katharine McPhee, who seems to only show up at events lately and doesn’t seem to be doing anything musical, still has a perfect rack. And that makes her my American Idol. Katherine McPhee is also a fan of Sanjaya Malakar, apparently:

“First of all, I think Sanjaya is an absolute phenomenon. Every year, there’s something that makes the show even bigger than it was the year before. I’m on the Sanjaya train! I’m like, ‘Go Sanjaya!’ “(source)

This is Katharine at the 9th Annual Young Hollywood Awards show; which seems to be more of a PR vehicle than an actual awards show. Wait that’s ALL AWARD SHOWS. Case in point, Kat McPhee received the “Exciting New Vocalist” award from Randy Jackson and Katharine Heigl received the “Superstar of Tomorrow” award from TR Knight. That’s like the time my mom gave me the coveted “best son in the world” award when I was 10. I got half of a 7-11 turkey sandwich, a pack of Fun Dip and a Big Gulp cup with “Best Son in the World” written on it in eyeliner pencil. Oh, and bus ticket to back to our home town that turned out to be a used lotto ticket with “bus ticket home” written on it in eyeliner pencil. That’s the last time I ever saw her.

• Taryn Manning scares the shit out of me. But I’m still hot for her. Does that make me creepy? (Bastardly)
• Morgan Fairchild got some big ass titties. She’s my wife. Yeah, that’s the ticket. (DS)
• Kevin Bacon would to like to be six degrees up in Hayden’s Panetierre. ZING! I’m a writer! (Glunp)
• Jennifer “call me Love” Hewitt sells underwear. Not hers though. I have most of those anyway. (IBBB)
• Jessica Biel + booty = ‘Nuff said. Shazam. (Yeeeah)
• Sienna Miller is desperate to be sperminated. Dibs! (Holly Scoop)
• Suri Cruise prepares for world domination. Resistance is futile, mutha fucka. (D-Listed)
• Bjork. What the Fjork? (Pop Bytes)
• Phil Stacey is the new Sanjaya. Rule. (Bumpshack)

text2

Just this one more. Promise. Then I’m done.

Idol castoff Antonella Barba is speaking out in interviews about her time at Idol and the infamous nude pictures. Although she was kicked off by America because she couldn’t sing, she’ll always be my funny Jersey valentine.

How hard was it to deal with all the controversy that was going on around you when you were on the show?
It was definitely difficult and it wasn’t how I intended things to go, but I tried to block it out as much as possible and stay focused on the competition. All that other stuff was completely irrelevant to the fact that I’m here to sing.

Visibility is important – does part of you feel that there’s no such thing as bad publicity?
Yes, it’s true that my name is more well-known because of it, but I’m not known for the things that I would like to be known for right now. I wanted to make a name for myself in singing. The pictures that have been released of me – the ones that actually are me – they were very personal and that is not how I intended to portray myself. I’d rather promote myself in a more classy way. And, again, that was private – that was not for the public eye.

Were you approached to pose in Playboy?
I heard about it but I was never approached.  (source)

She was also asked if she was dating anyone, to which she replied, “No, not really, I want to focus on my career”. I think we all know that she means she’s really into a certain sexy internet writer. I sent her a NSFW t-shirt and everything.

And we’re not referring to Rosie O’Donnell, but a real pig. Zing! I’m so bad. No really, I am. Bless my southern girl’s heart.

Victoria Beckham’s US visit didn’t go as well as she’d have us all believe, after it was revealed she was the victim of a pig attack. The incident happened when the Queen of Pout was viewing schools in LA for her three sons. As she visited a science block in one school, a pack of pot belly pigs made a b-line for the would-be fashion guru. A source told the National Enquirer, ‘

Victoria was being shown around the science lab when two pet pot-bellied pigs, who are allowed to roam free, snuffled up to her.’ Instead of warming to the pigs and petting them, Posh fled the scene with the source adding, ‘She screamed, ‘Get it away!’, and tried to run away in her high heels. It was hysterical, everyone was trying so hard not to laugh.’ (source)

Pork fat rules. But I’m going to be uncharacteristically sympathetic. She probably doesn’t even know what a pig looks like. She looks likes the only protein she gets is liquid. (Again. I am bad person.) She prolly thought the pig was a Scientology spirit trying to infiltrate her body in order to drain her life force for the greater good of planet Neuromac. Where is Tom Cruise when you need him? But just to be sure no harmful energy penetrated her soul and compromised her being, she might want to consider a colonic and a 30-day detox plan. Don’t fuck with her chi. Bitches.

…or at least those boots are. Damn Girl. Thats’s the album cover for Krazy Kat’s new album, which drops today and is filed under the genres of “Sucks” and “Who Cares”. And don’t be thinking I’m some kind of Kat Hater or Talyor Hicks luvah. I just hate shitty music.

I’m quite sure I defied the laws of physics trying to see under Katharine’s dress. But I have an eerie feeling when I got under there, I’d find a chastity belt of pure American steel that reads, “Not this rainbow, fucker� then she’d summon the scientology aliens to leave me in a lust-induced coma and walk away with my wallet. That’s the mark of a pure sexpot. Lure you in then stab you right in the balls. Aside from that, my only complaint is lack of plunging neckline and copious cleavage. If you got it, flaunt it, sista. I know I do.

More of that DYN-O-MITE cleave.