NSFW - Fatback Media

See what I did there? I wrote a salacious headline that may have no basis in fact whatsoever, but validated it (and saved an attorney a few keystrokes) by adding the question mark. So, what would have been a possible libelous thrashing, now becomes a point of discussion by inquiring minds. Journalism.

ANYWAY.

US Weekly has put the other tabloids on notice with their new cover: “Hollywood A-List Nip/Tuck Did They or Didn’t They?” Besides having a sweet question mark, they say that they have scooped the other trash rags with a story that will blow the lid off the seedy plastic surgery underworld for once and for all.

Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Raj Kanodia - who has fixed the noses of Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz - estimates that 60 percent of Hollywood women undergo some type of procedure.

As more celebs like Ashley Tisdale admit to going under the knife, and others like Scarlett Johansson speak openly about a topic once off-limits (”I definitely believe in plastic surgery,” she said last year. “I don’t want to be an old hag. There’s no fun in that”), Us consulted top Hollywood surgeons to see which stars may have transformed their looks.

Scarlett Johannson was none too happy about this and got her lawyer to do the only thing that can be done in these situations: call another tabloid and give them a scoop!

“I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against US Weekly.”

Also from Scarlett(’s Lawyer)

“US Weekly’s cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication,” reads a statement from her rep, exclusively to OK!

Smack down! Also, I don’t think I have ever really looked at Scarlett Johansson’s nose because she’s a beautiful talented actress who has hopes and dreams and sorrows just like anyone else. And a huge rack. Yeah maybe it’s the huge rack. What?

Whoa. I’m getting all geared up for my patriotic nudity & fun in the sun week off and these come in off the wire. What the hell? Apparently Scarlett Johansson now has a nose ring, a weird tattoo and is dressing like the creepy girl’s PE teacher at my middle school. How could this happen? The last time I saw her she was getting thin due to breakup stress and looking like she was ready to party all night. Now she looks like she can’t find her minivan at Showbiz Pizza. I’m not one to judge -wait I’m an anonymous internet writer who gets paid to make fun of people- so yes. Yes I am one to judge. Maybe she’s a method actor and she’s preparing for a role. And maybe that role is somebody’s dumpy mother who used to be a goth whore but now has 3 kids and drives a Honda Odyssey. More hot high waisted shorts action. Rreeeow. My fave is pic 4. That dude’s name is Meat.

According to the people at People, ScarJo is dating RyReyn. That’s paparazzi talk for: Scarlett Johansson is banging another dude who happens to not be me. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett were seen canoodling (more gossip lingo!) in NYC this week. At least it’s not Josh I comb my hair with a dead oil spill duck Hartnett.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds spent a busy weekend in New York City together.

On Saturday night, the pair were seen getting close at the Manhattan restaurant Odeon. “They were in a good mood,” says one eyewitness who saw them laughing and smiling.

“They were definitely holding hands,” says another observer. “They were a cute couple!” (source)

Scarlett has been linked with a lot (A LOT) of people lately which makes think she may be a slight whore. Not in a bad way though. In the, eventually she’ll make it around to me kind of way. The fact that Scarlett is premium heat, notwithstanding, I can see why Ryan Reynolds wants to go out with her. He was engaged for 2 years to a self righteous, sanctimonious wannabe activist who was actually a sellout Debbie Gibson wannabe who gave Dave Coulier a blow job at the movies. Cut. It. Out.

I don’t really see what Scarlett sees in Ryan. Besides the money, handsome face, chiseled superhero physique, and snarky sense of humor, what does he really have have? There’s more to life than just good looks, money and hot chicks. Wait, no. No, there really isn’t. More Scarlett and one for you ladies. I’m all about equality. And boobies. Whatever.

Hope you all had a fun filled Easter Weekend celebrating the rabbit that lays chocolate eggs who brought that Jewish guy back from the dead, or whatever that’s all about. I just drank a lot and had sex fourteen times. Which is kinda the same thing. Paganism is the shit. Switching gears from religion to awww, aint that cute as a button, here’s Jessica Simpson, wearing a homemade dress frolicking with John Mayer on the beach in a totally non-staged day of fun in the sun overcast clouds.

LINKS!

• Totally sweet spoiler of the next Heroes Episode. Linderman is a hero too? (Heroes Forum)
• Dita Von Tease gets naked. Again. Never gets old, but GF needs some vitamin D. (DS)
• Avril Lavigne is a sell out. But I’m sure she’s totally hardcore on the inside. (Tasteful)
• Kirsten Dundst got dumped. SFW? (Yeeeah!)
• Jenna Haze drinks something ut I’m just staring at her rack. (Bastardly)
• Scarlett Johansson tries to un-whorify herself. (Bumpshack)
• Charlotte Church is a big black girl. (DListed)
• Celebrities smoking pot, for you fetishist. (City Rag)

Twenty year old hottie Scarlett Johansson is reportedly the reason that Justin Tmberlake split with his girlfriend of several years Cameron Diaz (34). The rift was allegedly caused by Justin’s casting of Scarlett in his new video for “What Goes Around”.

“Scarlett has always liked Justin. They’ve always had a flirtation – that’s why Cameron was threatened by her.”

With good reason. The decision to cast the 20-year-old as the video vixen pushed Timberlake’s relationship with Diaz to the breaking point, and paved the way for Johansson to move in for the kill.

“She could not believe he went behind her back to put her in the video,” says a Timberlake pal. “Cameron was very jealous of Scarlett.” (source)

Two things. First. Greasy peel, Josh Hartnett will not be defiling Scarlett anymore with fumbling half-assed attempts at “Tantra”. This makes me happy for some reason. Second, Justin Timberlake just made the second of two really good upgrades from Britney Spears. Justin just dumped a Charlie’s Angel to date Scarlett Johansson, one of the hottest women on the planet while Britney continues her transformation from pre-baby teen nubile hotness into a post-babies bucket of Breakstone Cottage Cheese. Speaking of white trash, here’s a photographer’s ridiculous idea of trailer trash using Scarlett Johansson. She has all her teeth, dude? And her 16 year old daughter isn’t there with her twins and 2 black eyes? Idiot.

So our servers are back online and I am finally out of NORAD for the duration, although I did get to play some computer chess with Joshua. Hopefully, the anal raping we gave the servers will teach them a lesson: never fail me. Never. Anyhoo. I have some stories on deck and Emily does too so we’ll get those up ASAP. Till then here is Ashlee Simpson’s nipple and some hot links to tide you over, sugar.

• Vanessa Minnillo is a dirty bird. Just like I like ‘em. (Yeeeah)
• Lisa Dergan is hot. Yeah.No clue. (Bastardly)
• Always a good time for College boobies. Especially girl college boobies. (College Humor)
• Olsen Twin Nip Slips. Uncle Jesse! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Scarlett Johansson is a fussy bitch. Justin Timberlake is a whiny bitch. (INO)
• Prince is going to start his own magazine. That will be the nastiest porn ever. I just had a mini-O. (Glitterati)
• Jessica Simpson is wo’ out.So Joe is all about some Ashlee now. (Socialite’s Life)
• Justin T and Cameron D are broke the fuck up. (Popbytes)
• Angie Harmon See thru. Sexy Southern nipples y’all! (Subvert)

To all you sexy people who were worried about us in our absence, thanks. The battle station is fully operational now.

Okay, so there’s no breaking news, it’s just an excuse to feature Scarlett’s lovelies. Apparently, she is worried her career will not last much longer. She also disclosed she’s a big fan of Uma Thurman’s body. Clearly, Scarlett has never stepped foot in front of a reflective surface.

The 22-year-old actress, who starred in her first film aged just 12, admits she fears every film will be her last. Scarlett said: “Do I ever get nervous about this, right now, being the pinnacle of my career? Yeah I do. At the end of every movie I think ‘Wow - this is the last one! Nice working with you.’” Meanwhile, Scarlett has revealed she thinks Uma Thurman has the perfect body. The blonde actress was blown away by the ‘Kill Bill’ star’s amazing physique when she first saw her on the big screen.
(source)

Funny. “Peaked too soon” is usually used in conjunction with the men who watch Scarlett’s movies. Uma is cool if you’re into super-slim kung-fu slayers, but I think Scarlett’s killer rack and accepting attitude jet her above the competition and into the rotation of my Vegas fantasies. “What happens in Vegas….stays with you until the antibiotics kick in.” They conveniently leave that out of the commercials. Stupid girl in the cowboy hat riding a horse.

I’m not what you’d call a style critic, but I am absolutely sure that’s the worst dress ever made. The person that designed it apparently hates beautiful women with sexy curves. Oh, this dress has curves, but in all the wrong spots. It’s really kind of mean. Even in a bad dress which obviously was designed to carry pork loins in the mid-section, Scarlett Johansson’s rack is the star of the show. Her breasts are like the human spirit. Even in the darkest hour they shine through reminding us all that there is still hope. There is still hope.

This is Majandra Delfino wearing a see through, tattered wife-beater to a red carpet event. I had never heard of her before I saw the pictures, but apparently she was on a show on the ultra-not-watched WB network. I heard that she’s like a meaner, hotter, trashy younger version of Scarlett Johansson. I actually heard that just now when I said it. She’s probably one of those girls that gets really mad at you when you have sex like it’s a street fight. Which usually ends up with you crying in the shower in a pool of blood and hair wondering why the phone cord is ripped out of the wall and the windows are spray painted black.
I was feeling kinda pervy when I posted these because she looks like she’s in the 9th grade, but it turns out that she’s actually older than Scarlett so I can skip the cilice for today.

Tuesday is the new Monday on a holiday week. So, I guess a few of you have case of the Tuesdays… Here’s something to cheer you right up. Links!

• Paris Hilton smokes the dank and remains above the law. She.Must.Be.Stopped. (Bumpshack)
• Abi Titmuss is half-nakedly writing another post in a bastardly way. (Bastardly)
• Cocaine: The energy drink! It’s got flavor crystals, but don’t snort it. (College Humor)
• Vince Vaughn makes out with a serious bunny in an elevator. Always double-down on 11. (Yeeeah)
• Scarlett Johansson gets an HIV test 2 times a year with the rest of the whores, strippers and porn stars. But she’s monogamous!(I’m Not Obsessed)
• Jessica Simpson’s dad gets creepier by the minute. (Derek Hail)
• Jessica Biel can bunch up her butt cheeks and rip ya dick off… (IDLYITW)
• Brook Hogan minus the grillz, and partially nude is kinda hot. (Subvert)

Shout out to Columbus for giving all of you a day off yesterday and introducing disease and weird hair to the new world.