Britney Spears is going to be HEALED! Apparently, when a judge decided that a red neck, wigger was the lesser of two evils and gave K-FED custody of her two children, Britney decided it was time to take the matter to the Lord. Or Indian spirit. Or something.

[She] is said to have organised the meeting with a head shaman near a reservation at the base of America’s Grand Canyon.

A source said: “The head shaman has agreed to perform the ritual on Britney, which is a great honour.

“The shaman will wave sage over her head and daub her temples with a magical potion. And the learned Indians will chant mantra and perform a special dance around her.” (source)

Then they will add some nice chicken stock and a bouquet garnis to the pot, spatchcock her plump body and add a little ‘essence’. BAM!

Padma Lakshmi and controversial British author Salman Rushdie are getting a divorce. In case you missed it, because who gives a shit, Padma Lakshmi and Salman Rushidie got married in 2004. Salman Rushdie is the author of The Satanic Verses which caused a fatwa for his death to be issued by the Ayatollah Khomeini a while back and Padma Lakshmi is a model turned chef and tv host as well as the newly elected senator and former Queen of Naboo.

British author Salman Rushdie and his wife Padma Lakshmi, host of TV show “Top Chef,” are getting divorced, his spokeswoman said on Monday, just two weeks after he was awarded a controversial knighthood.

Rushdie, 60, is best known for his novel “The Satanic Verses,” which outraged many Muslims and sparked death threats that forced him to live in hiding for nine years.

He married Lakshmi, a former model born in 1970 in India, in 2004. She was his fourth wife and the couple had no children. (source)

Hm. Wonder why that didn’t work out? Padma Lakshmi is a smoking hot chef/model/tv host who looks like she could cook a mean curry right after stealing some documents from the embassy just in time to lie nude on the bearskin rug in front of the fire and Salman Rushdie looks like he would say “Jedi mind tricks don’t work on me…only money…”. This story would be boring except I love Indian food and nudity. And now Salman Rushdie nude. Except not.

Word has it that the super-chaste American Idol girls are giving Antonella Barba the cold shoulder because of all those “sexy” photos that have been making their way around the web.

According to our spy, some of the religious female contestants are none too fond of one Miss Antonella Barba, since racy photos of the off-key idol began popping up on the net.

No confrontation has erupted, but it’s been downright chilly behind the scenes, with the idolettes now waiting to see if America decides to keep the photogenic Barba around for another week, heaven forbid! (source)

This why stuck up church girls get a bad name and it’s also why they never get laid. You’re not better than a slutty girl because you have morals, she’s better than you, because she knows how to use her kit. If the Idolettes spent less time with sanctimony and more time trying to bang one of the judges they might have a chance in this thing.

True Fact: Slutty girls always win in Hollywood. That’s why they call it Hollywood.

Guys all follow the code. If left with the choice of the “stuck up pretty one wearing pearls and frowning with disdain” or the “hot girl in the ripped skirt and slippery when wet tattoo”, 9 times out of ten, we go for the easy kill. It’s a national Geographic thing. True story.

Angelina Jolie is trying to save the world one child at a time. With Voodoo.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Angelina has a new hobby to help fill those precious empty seconds between saving the world, raising three children (soon to be four) and keeping hunky boyfriend, Pitt, happy. According to a report from Mike Walker she is studying Voodoo.

The magazine reports that Jolie is taking instruction from a Voodoo priestess several times a week. She has also purchased several books on witchcraft spells and is touring the infamous New Orleans cemeteries, according to the report. (source)

We here at FB&c have commented before on Angelina Jolie’s foray into the ars diavoli, so this comes as no surprise us. In fact we’re no stranger to the vodoun (look it up before you get all sanctimonious) ourselves. I grew up Baptist so it’s pretty much the same thing. Except where Voodoo has high priestesses who perform ritualistic sacrifices on live farm animals, we had bitchy judgmental old harpies who called a girl whore just because she had relations with a couple of choir members on that church retreat that time and besides you only did anal anyway so it doesn’t really count. Because Jesus loves virgins.

Christina Aguilera recently told talk show host Ellen DeGeneres that she and husband Jordan Bratman keep their marriage spicy by being entirely naked on Sundays.

“We have something called naked Sundays.”

“Excuse me?” DeGeneres asks. “Did you say naked Sundays?”

“You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up,” says Aguilera, admitting that some added heat is required even though the two have only been married for “a big whole year.”

“[In November] we just celebrated our first anniversary, and on Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cozy and laid back,” she says. “We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other.” We do everything naked. We cook naked.” (source)

That is simultaneously the best and worst news I have ever heard. On one hand you have Christina Aguilera frolicking naked like a pixie witch in defiance of the Lord and the Sabbath, and on the other hand she’s getting man handled the whole time by a ham fisted creature from middle earth. It’s a heart-rending dichotomy- that at once personifies true beauty and true evil – which unceasingly burdens your soul. Kinda like feeling razor stubble when that hot chick you met at the cowboy bar goes down on you. Here’s Christina at Hyde on Puxatawny Phil Day.