NSFW - Fatback Media

Britney Spears is going to be HEALED! Apparently, when a judge decided that a red neck, wigger was the lesser of two evils and gave K-FED custody of her two children, Britney decided it was time to take the matter to the Lord. Or Indian spirit. Or something.

[She] is said to have organised the meeting with a head shaman near a reservation at the base of America’s Grand Canyon.

A source said: “The head shaman has agreed to perform the ritual on Britney, which is a great honour.

“The shaman will wave sage over her head and daub her temples with a magical potion. And the learned Indians will chant mantra and perform a special dance around her.” (source)

Then they will add some nice chicken stock and a bouquet garnis to the pot, spatchcock her plump body and add a little ‘essence’. BAM!

Padma Lakshmi and controversial British author Salman Rushdie are getting a divorce. In case you missed it, because who gives a shit, Padma Lakshmi and Salman Rushidie got married in 2004. Salman Rushdie is the author of The Satanic Verses which caused a fatwa for his death to be issued by the Ayatollah Khomeini a while back and Padma Lakshmi is a model turned chef and tv host as well as the newly elected senator and former Queen of Naboo.

British author Salman Rushdie and his wife Padma Lakshmi, host of TV show “Top Chef,” are getting divorced, his spokeswoman said on Monday, just two weeks after he was awarded a controversial knighthood.

Rushdie, 60, is best known for his novel “The Satanic Verses,” which outraged many Muslims and sparked death threats that forced him to live in hiding for nine years.

He married Lakshmi, a former model born in 1970 in India, in 2004. She was his fourth wife and the couple had no children. (source)

Hm. Wonder why that didn’t work out? Padma Lakshmi is a smoking hot chef/model/tv host who looks like she could cook a mean curry right after stealing some documents from the embassy just in time to lie nude on the bearskin rug in front of the fire and Salman Rushdie looks like he would say “Jedi mind tricks don’t work on me…only money…”. This story would be boring except I love Indian food and nudity. And now Salman Rushdie nude. Except not.

Word has it that the super-chaste American Idol girls are giving Antonella Barba the cold shoulder because of all those “sexy” photos that have been making their way around the web.

According to our spy, some of the religious female contestants are none too fond of one Miss Antonella Barba, since racy photos of the off-key idol began popping up on the net.

No confrontation has erupted, but it’s been downright chilly behind the scenes, with the idolettes now waiting to see if America decides to keep the photogenic Barba around for another week, heaven forbid! (source)

This why stuck up church girls get a bad name and it’s also why they never get laid. You’re not better than a slutty girl because you have morals, she’s better than you, because she knows how to use her kit. If the Idolettes spent less time with sanctimony and more time trying to bang one of the judges they might have a chance in this thing.

True Fact: Slutty girls always win in Hollywood. That’s why they call it Hollywood.

Guys all follow the code. If left with the choice of the “stuck up pretty one wearing pearls and frowning with disdain” or the “hot girl in the ripped skirt and slippery when wet tattoo”, 9 times out of ten, we go for the easy kill. It’s a national Geographic thing. True story.

Angelina Jolie is trying to save the world one child at a time. With Voodoo.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Angelina has a new hobby to help fill those precious empty seconds between saving the world, raising three children (soon to be four) and keeping hunky boyfriend, Pitt, happy. According to a report from Mike Walker she is studying Voodoo.

The magazine reports that Jolie is taking instruction from a Voodoo priestess several times a week. She has also purchased several books on witchcraft spells and is touring the infamous New Orleans cemeteries, according to the report. (source)

We here at FB&c have commented before on Angelina Jolie’s foray into the ars diavoli, so this comes as no surprise us. In fact we’re no stranger to the vodoun (look it up before you get all sanctimonious) ourselves. I grew up Baptist so it’s pretty much the same thing. Except where Voodoo has high priestesses who perform ritualistic sacrifices on live farm animals, we had bitchy judgmental old harpies who called a girl whore just because she had relations with a couple of choir members on that church retreat that time and besides you only did anal anyway so it doesn’t really count. Because Jesus loves virgins.

Christina Aguilera recently told talk show host Ellen DeGeneres that she and husband Jordan Bratman keep their marriage spicy by being entirely naked on Sundays.

“We have something called naked Sundays.”

“Excuse me?” DeGeneres asks. “Did you say naked Sundays?”

“You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up,” says Aguilera, admitting that some added heat is required even though the two have only been married for “a big whole year.”

“[In November] we just celebrated our first anniversary, and on Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cozy and laid back,” she says. “We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other.” We do everything naked. We cook naked.” (source)

That is simultaneously the best and worst news I have ever heard. On one hand you have Christina Aguilera frolicking naked like a pixie witch in defiance of the Lord and the Sabbath, and on the other hand she’s getting man handled the whole time by a ham fisted creature from middle earth. It’s a heart-rending dichotomy- that at once personifies true beauty and true evil - which unceasingly burdens your soul. Kinda like feeling razor stubble when that hot chick you met at the cowboy bar goes down on you. Here’s Christina at Hyde on Puxatawny Phil Day.

Paris Hilton never ceases to 1. amaze me, b. be naked, or Stardate 2517.09. be a filthy spoiled whore. That said, I think if she were held a little more as a child she probably wouldn’t be such a drugged out whore. She would just be a plain old vanilla whore like the rest of us. Speaking of filthy vanilla whores, here’s an oldie but nudey pic of Paris’s’s’s’s mom classin’ up tha jizzoint with some Baby Boomer titties. Rrreow. I love Cat Stevens. And apostrophes’.

• Sophia Bush at the Young Hollywood Top 20. Just because. (Bastardly)
• J-Lo’s dad is a Scientologist and a maker of hot latin asses. (Socialite’s Life)
• Eva Longoria is kind of a bitch. (Celeb Gossip Junkie)
• Pink says fur is for fatties. Kinda like her beave. (Pop on the Pop)
• Paris Hilton somehow remaina slutty after all these years. With VIDEO! (DS)
• Here’s QuiteFamo.us the Celebrity Search Engine. (QuiteFamo.us)
• Isaiah Washingtn is in Rehab for for being a bigot? But I thought he loved CRACK(ers)? (TMZ)
• Naked Collge Girl Boobies to crash your work internet filters. (College Humor)

This is Emily Proctor form CSI Miami at the People Choice Awards last night where she was a presenter. I didn’t watch the awards because people suck and who gives a shit about their choices? I like my awards decided by old wrinkly Jewish guys living in oxygen tents in their Hollywood Hills Mansions. But I digress.

The interesting thing about this dress is how much of her breasts we can see without actually seeing anything. My neck hurts from trying to see into the side of my monitor. It’s kind of a tease.  Like those girls down south who will give you a handjob at a church picnic because they can repent right then and there and they’ll  do anal but won’t have sex because they want to save it for marriage. Wait did I say tease?  I meant that’s awesome. Church girls rock.

Ain’t nothin’ worse than havin’ link-debt hangin’ over your head so I’m spreading the love, southern style.

• Check out the new college boobies. For kids. NSFW. (College Humor)
• The Losties are in Scranton? I think Ryan may have yellow fever now. (GMMR)
• Hot videos of college girls. Or Videos on a college site and there may be some girls. Or something. (College Humor)
• Abi Titmus interviews a naked chick about sex. (Bastardly)
• Reese Witherspoon gets revenge by being sexy, southern y’all. (yeeeah)
• Jesus says Trendmill is the new MySpace, except for sexy people. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Speaking of trendmill and sexy mofo’s. Here’s an invite if you need one. (Trendmill)
• Britney may get a visit from Child Protective Services. (Derek Hail)
• Adam Brody is banging Jessica Simpson. (Cele|bitchy)

Hey y’all Emily here. Total fucking psychopath Courtney Love says she had help with her recent recovery from drugs: Mel Gibson. Whaa…? I don’t get it either.

While she was doing drugs with some men in a posh Beverly Hills hotel room, Love revealed on Tuesday’s Good Morning America, the leading man – who himself only recently underwent his own sobering experience – showed up along with addiction counselor Warren Boyd.

“Mel kept coming to the door with this cheesy grin going, ‘Hi!’” Love said. “I just kept looking at him going, ‘Blank off!’ … I know him and he’s a nice guy, but it just didn’t matter who it was. It could have been Jesus. I didn’t care.”
Love, 42, was ordered into a rehab program in August 2005 after tearfully admitting in court that she’d used drugs in violation of her probation terms. At that point, she knew it was either rehab or jail. (source)

Look, I know I’m not always on the gravy train with cool kids like Ivanka Trump or Topher Grace (by the way, they’re banging), but I do know looking to self-righteous movie stars for validation isn’t on America’s top list of “cool things to do when you’re sober and can’t find a willing hooker”. Or is it? I need to get out more. Of course, now it doesn’t seem so radical to call on the big JC for advice when my last ex dumped me for his exponentially crazier new co-worker who doesn’t even have this charming southern accent. Makes sense, right? Fuck no! So I got my revenge with his hot second-cousin twice-removed from Spain. He didn’t know two sentences in English, but he said all the right things with his hands. Aye, Papi!

Hey y’all. It’s Halloween, my favorite holiday and it’s time for the 1st annual FB&C Celebrity Halloween Costume Contest. Our panel of expert judges, mostly consisting of me, have reviewed the top celebrity costumes this year and we have decided on the winner. We’d like to thank the celebrities for all the really inspired costumes this year. We can’t say for sure, but from the look of things, most of our contestants planned out their costumes tens of minutes before leaving the house. Sweet! Here are the contestants. Continue after the jump.

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