NSFW – Fatback Media

UPDATE: TMZ reports that Paris Hilton was released for “health reasons”. She is now under house arrest and must to wear an ankle bracelet that notifies the authorities if she leaves the tiny confines of her 5000 square foot house; which is barely 50 times bigger than her spacious jail cell.

Whatever will she do?

I mean ,after a few days it will get boring driving her golden golf cart from one end of the house to another. Or flying a kite in the living room or riding her horse up and down the stairs. Poor kitten. They should have let her go to one of those awesome half-way houses where the cool criminals get to go; where they get to sleep next to each other on ratty cots while they listen to the guards rape the other parolees. LA law, you’re a stinker!

I think paroled may be too strong. Maybe let off easy is more appropriate, because the LA legal system is about as tough on crime as an episode of Dragon Tales.

Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning.

She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of three days — the normal stay for a violation of this kind. (source)

God damn. I’ve had video check outs at a Hilton Hotel that took longer than Paris Hilton was in jail. I like how the LA Police don’t even try to disguise the preferential treatment anymore. One judge for LA County was quoted as saying, “Well I can’t keep her jail after I already cashed the bribe check, duh.”. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. Like how the dinosaurs are a lie made up by devil worshipers. True story.

Paris Hilton’s first 3 nights in jail apparently weren’t as nice as she was hoping. According to TMZ, the jailed DUI offender has been crying on the phone and freezing at night.

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she’s not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is “freezing cold.” She has three little blankets and no pillow. She’s using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space. (source)

Wow. So her jail sounds like my bedroom when I was growing up. Except I didn’t have a phone, a tv, or as much food and I had to use a cat for a blanket. But, despite of her bullshit crying for no god damn reason, her stay has been pretty quiet so far. I have to admit, I was hoping for a prison riot by the chicas, sisters, and red neck bitches on lock down where they throw fireballs made of shit and human hair and somebody gets shanked with a melted down sharpened toothbrush that was hidden in some inmate’s snatch for just this occasion.

Instead we get a spoiled rich-bitch crying herself to sleep because of the frigid LA night air and no pillow. Brrrr. Do they even put violent criminals in jail anymore? Where’s the rape and attempted murder and sodomy. Penal system, you’ve let me down. You used to be beautiful.

Paris Hilton is caged heat, baby. Well she would have been if she wasn’t a spoiled bitch and this weren’t LA. She would’ve ended up some teardrop tattooed, East LA gangsta chick’s little skinny shank toy, (like Mesquita tried to make Reese Witherspoon in Freeway), but it turns out that heiresses get special treatment – even in jail. I have avoided writing about Paris Hilton, because the last thing the world needs is another blog post about Paris Hilton. But. She’s in jail for breaking the law and that’s kinda cool symmetry. Oh, she gets her own cell, she got to come in early and gets to watch tv and all, but she’s still in prison and that’s sublime.

Ah I could go on and on about this, but my Mortimer Ichabod Marker pen and I have some work to do. The new Chess hotties were just released! Check and mate… Here are the top links for Paris Hilton in Jail.

• Paris Hilton mug shots. (IDLYITW)
• Paris Hilton cries on the way to prison where she belongs. (WWTDD)
• Nicky Hilton prepares her defense of Paris. Voire dire is gonna rock. (Yeeeah)
• This is not Paris Hilton. This is Jessica Biel kissing a chick. (DS)
• Paris Hilton turns herself in to the police. (SeriouslyOMGWTF)
• Paris Hilton in jail. Break. Josie Maran Minute. (Bastardly)
• Heidi Montag’s tits at the MTV Awards. (Celebrity Hubris)
• Paris wore hair extensions to jail. Nappy. (ICYDK)
• What’s your gossip IQ? Mine is elevety billion. I win again! (Radar)
• Kim Kardashian goes bodonkadonkdonk. (GoT)

Here are the hottest pictures of Paris Hilton I could find: