NSFW – Fatback Media

Super sexy update: Shazam. Reports are filtering in that Miss USA Tara Conner has lost her crown, been evicted from her Trump Tower apartment and is working at The Olive Garden in Russell County Kentucky. Ok I made that last part up. What I didn’t make up is that Miss USA is freak-nasty.

One day after pageant boss Donald Trump publicly denied that reigning Miss USA Tara Conner was being dethroned, TMZ has learned that first runner-up, Miss California Tamiko Nash, will be inheriting the crown. (TMZ)

According to the News, Conner is on the verge of losing her tiara after testing positive for cocaine, kissing Miss Teen USA in public and reportedly sneaking men into their Trump Place apartment, sources tell the paper. (Post Chronicle)

You can take the girl out of Kentucky…Wait. Did I read those CRTL-B’s correctly? She was doing coke and kissing Miss Teen USA and banging dudes in her luxury apt? She just went from country-come-town to holy shit that sounds like porn I would pay for. I thought the requirement for pageantry was poise, grace, vaseline teeth and a nice rack, not kissing underage girls and doing key bumps in the bathroom stall at a bar. [Otherwise, I'd be a shoe-in.]
I just hope all that fun was worth it because she has arguably ruined any benefit she would have gotten from this contest including a scholarship, world peace and saving puppies. Thanks. Puppy killer.

On the other hand, hot religiously repressed, coked out country chicks whose lives are crashing down around them are pretty easy. Call me.

No, I am not implying, nor should you infer that sexy, southern Emily Proctor is the anti-Christ. I’m saying that all women are devils, duh. Sexy devils. Anyway, ’tis the season for friends, happiness and joy and all that shit. So here are some X-mas linX to get you all in the spirit of thingX.

• “Christmas Wishes from the Antichrist”. Check my new story over at Collegehumor.com and don’t forget to vote for it when you’re done. (College Humor)
• New Bastardly Jailbait Lady of the Day (Bastardly)
• Are you sexy and southern? Know someone who is? Or just wanted to pimp this site on your thong? But some X-mas gifts! (FB&C Store)
• Tara Reid. Drunk again. Redundant much? (Smart)
• Want good gadgets for cheap? Check out this totally unsolicited link. (BCD)
• The Jolie-Pitts look like the “it’s a small world” ride at Disney. (Tabloid Whore)
• More boobies with college names drunkenly scrawled on them. Sexy not trashy. For reals. (College humor)
• Pauly Shore is a faker. Idiot. (Celebslam)

In a recent statement taken by voraciously ethical and truthful gossip reporters, Kevin Federline alleges he is indeed a family man. At present, a team of linguists are still working to determine the definition of family. Is it a nuclear unit of humans that live together in a nurturing stable environment, or a trail of white trash spawn, abandoned and forgotten like puppies in the river? We may never know.

Kevin Federline wants you to know that he’s not 100 percent pimp. In an interview with E! News, he claims, “I am a family man and that is me, that is the truth, that is in all honesty.” (source)

Kevin Federline isn’t fit to care for a lump of coal, let alone anything that breathes and requires food. Between Britney and Kevin, it’s a wonder Sean and Jayden haven’t worked out a plan to escape that involves a marbles, a makeshift ladder, a cell phone, the family dog and dressing up in little tuxedos while playing musical instruments. Babies in tuxedos are cute!

So what does Kristen Bell have to do with Britney and Kevin? Nothing. She’s just so cute it makes me giggle.

Smokin’ hot new mommy and Alias alum Jennifer Garner is back in superspy shape which qualifies her for the FB&C Sexy Southern Girl of the Week (FBCSSGW). How did she get so hot so fast after having her cute-as-a-button little peanut of a baby? Why breast feeding, of course. She’s one sexy MI…wait for it…LF. Legendary.

She credits nursing, moderate exercise, and eating correctly for allowing her to lose the weight. Jennifer said, “[I lost weight] breastfeeding! That and a moderate exercise and eating plan with the help of my personal trainer.” (source)

So I guess 50 cigarettes a day, coke and all night boozing are not the way to get your figure back after having a baby. Hrm. What’s amazing about Jennifer Garner is that she just had a baby and still looks like she could kick a hole in your skull from four feet away. She’s also conspicuously not at any LA or NYC hotspots drinking till all hours and flashing the world with a razor burned scarred coochie. Which also qualifies her for FBCMILF of the century.