NSFW – Fatback Media

Miss USA Tara Conner is sooooo sorry y’all. Look at those tears! I mean she just got a second chance to be our Ambassador of American-ossity and Apple Pie-ness, y’all. That’s really somethin’. Here are some of the details from her fake tear-filled press conference.

I wouldn’t say that I’m an alcoholic. I think that would be pushing the envelope,” said Conner, who was known in New York’s nightclub scene for drinking hard, snorting cocaine and hooking up with a long string of men.

The beauty queen said she celebrated her 21st birthday Monday with Diet Coke and iced tea – but Trump said he’ll force her to take regular drug tests.

“I don’t think she’s denying she’s an alcoholic,” said Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. “She can be a great example for troubled people – and she’s troubled – for troubled people … that have problems with alcohol.” (source)

Miss USA is very lucky to have been given the privilege to once again represent the USA and be the role model that little girls all over America need. Did she give up when she was caught feeling up a teen beauty queen or busted doing coke and sleeping around? Hells no! She did what her title and standing demanded for the situation. She gave Donald Trump a blow job. Because that’s how you solve problems when you’re Miss USA, god damn it. You put on some black nail polish, a smart suit with just enough cleavage and give Donald Trump a blow job. God bless America.

Share the naked celebrity goodness, y'all!

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Rumors are afoot that sexy southern hotness Reese Witherspoon is leaving LA and moving to Charleston SC with her two children. Reese is adorably southern and Charleston is adorably quaint. And her accent? OMG. I feel like hugging a little wrinkly puppy while dancing in a field of poppies, y’all.

Thoroughly disgusted with both marriage and Hollywood, Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon believes firmly in her Southern roots. She has taken her children and moved to Charleston, S.C. Both kids are said to be in public school there. (source)

I’m glad to see Reese is getting back to her southern roots and coming back down to live with her people. Charleston is hip, yet refined, historic without being stodgy and didn’t get ruined in a hurricane last year. Win-win. It’s also dripping with co-eds who are more than eager to welcome you with acts of southern hospitality. Holla back COC & MUSC! Welcome home Reese. We’ll swing by with some mac & cheese and potato salad to get you all settled in.

Check out Lacey Chabert in the January issue of Maxim magazine where she talks about her upcoming movie, Party of Five, life in Hollywood and growing up in the sizzling south.

In your new movie, you’re being terrorized by a maniac who’s been locked in an attic. Do you survive?
I can’t say. But I do have one really cool scene where I go under the house to reset the circuit breaker and he chases me. I’m crawling through the mud on my stomach, trying to get away, and I have mud in my eyes, in my teeth, up my nose…I was sneezing mud for two days after that. (source)

Did she say crawling through the mud on her stomach? I love horror films. Especially horror films where Santa is the bad guy and is ultra naughty. And horror films where Santa is the bad guy chasing a sexy, southern innocent chick is ultra naughty in a way that only inhabits my dreams. I’m not saying this is the plot for her upcoming movie Black Christmas (opening Christmas Day), I’m saying this is the plot for the screenplay in my mind. A mind is a terrible thing. Check out these terrible scans of Lacey Chabert in the January edition of Maxim.

Britney Spears was recently voted ‘world’s worst celebrity dog owner’. When asked about owner Britney, her dogs replied, “woof woof, bitch, bark bark”.

Britney Spears’ parenting skills are being called into question once again. This time she’s been voted the world’s worst celebrity dog owner in an online vote conducted by two dog magazines.
“Britney was the overwhelming choice,” Hilary O’Hagan, editor of The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines, said in a statement picked up by the Associated Press.
“She once had three Chihuahuas … and never left home without at least one of them on her arm,” O’Hagan said. “As soon as she met K-Fed and had kids they (the dogs) disappeared.”
Paris Hilton placed second for “treating her dogs like accessories.” Oprah Winfrey, who owns five dogs (not including Stedman), was voted this year’s best celebrity dog owner. The talk-show host replaced 2005 winner Joss Stone, and beat out fellow dog owners Tori Spelling and Nicollette Sheridan. (source)

When I see Britney, a lot of worsts come to mind, like: worst woman to sing at your funeral, or worst candidate for an underwear ad, or worst posterchild for literacy…the list goes on. But you’ve got to be a special kind of stupid to be voted worst celebrity dog owner by not one, but two, dog magazines. Owning a dog is easy: eat, sleep, poop, fetch. It’s not rocket science, we’re dealing with a creature that licks its butt and goes for the fake ball throw every time.