NSFW – Fatback Media

It’s a slow week, so in lieu of juicy gossip I’ll do what any self respecting professional writer would do. Offer a discourse on the dichotomy of nature vs. nurture child rearing and how disparate and often confusing messages from male and female role models can actually retard emotional self awareness and growth in pre-teens and adolescents. Nah. I’m just kidding. Boobies! This is Ashley Massaro who is a (air quotes) professional wrestler (/air quotes) for WWE Raw. I’m from the south, but I haven’t seen as much ‘rasslin’ and racin’ as you might imagine, so I had never heard of Ashley. According to Wiki-that-ain’t-no-lie-Pedia, Ashley is quite the athlete.

Ashley Massaro, came to WWE in June 2005 as a contestant in the 2005 RAW Diva Search. After beating the seven other chosen finalists, Massaro was declared the winner on the August 15, 2005 edition of RAW. She won the $250,000 Diva Search contest which included the $250,000 and a one year contract with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE). Massaro made her first WWE appearance as an official WWE Diva on the August 21, 2005 pre-SummerSlam edition of Heat where she conducted interviews with the fans, The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. Later that night, Massaro made her first appearance at a pay-per-view event when she joined the other bikini-clad divas in washing Vince McMahon’s presidential limo backstage.(source)

Wow. He mom must be so proud. I know I am. Now back to my thesis. A good writer writes. A good writer writes…

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This is Emily Proctor form CSI Miami at the People Choice Awards last night where she was a presenter. I didn’t watch the awards because people suck and who gives a shit about their choices? I like my awards decided by old wrinkly Jewish guys living in oxygen tents in their Hollywood Hills Mansions. But I digress.

The interesting thing about this dress is how much of her breasts we can see without actually seeing anything. My neck hurts from trying to see into the side of my monitor. It’s kind of a tease.  Like those girls down south who will give you a handjob at a church picnic because they can repent right then and there and they’ll  do anal but won’t have sex because they want to save it for marriage. Wait did I say tease?  I meant that’s awesome. Church girls rock.

That’s the salacious headline folks, but according to Page Six the photo spread of the hot Kentucky native may be anything but sexy and southern, y’all.

A job is waiting when Tara Conner gets out of rehab. Playboy wants to shoot the troubled Miss USA for its cover. Donald Trump and his execs at the Miss Universe Organization are mulling the offer. Conner, who hails from a small town in Kentucky, was nearly stripped of her title after it was alleged she was having sex with sleazy nightclubbing cads who were giving her cocaine. Said an insider, “If Trump allowed her to do it, it would have to be in good taste.” Which means she’ll keep her top on. (source)

Why is she even considering Playboy anyway? Playboy is like Maxim-plus or something. I’ve seen better nudity in the bible. She should show her wild southern spirit and pose for something raunchy like Cheri or Hustler where the photo shoots are done in mobile homes and there’s usually somebody’s oxygen tank toting grandmother smoking cigarettes in the background of the double dong lesbian anal dildo scenes. Here are some more Tara Conner pics in case you forgot what she looked like.

First and foremost. GOD DAMN.

Apparently Joe Simpson needs to work on his pimp-hand because one of his bitches daughters is gettin’ outta pocket. And when you fuck with his money, you’re fucking with his emotions. Why is it that southern preachers with hot daughters end up being smarmy greaseballs? Maybe by sexifying and pimping their own flesh and blood they can get a vicarious taste of the forbidden fruit that was once only relegated to hangdog peeks through the bathroom keyhole and awkward walk-ins that lingered a bit too long to be accidents? Fucking pervs.

A source tells TMZ that Joe got mad at daughter Jessica when she turned down a highly paid gig to host a New Year’s Eve party at Vegas’ Pure nightclub — saying she didn’t want to work on the holiday — and went to party with John Mayer in New York City instead.

The source claims that when Joe found out about Jessica’s “mellow” night out, he was livid — because she partied for free!

Meanwhile, the New York Daily News’ Ben Widdicombe reports today that Joe is “furious” that the Kennedy Center won’t reimburse him for about $15,000 in hair, makeup, and stylist fees after Jess’ ridiculed rendition of Dolly Parton’s “9-5″ didn’t air on CBS’s broadcast of the Kennedy Center Honors last week. (source)

A source made up by me said that the Kennedy Center responded, “No happy ending, no pay bitch” and had security throw Joe Simpson through a plate glass window on his ass. My sources rule. UPDATE: An eagle-eyed viewer wrote in and said I should crop Jessica’s hairstylist Ken Paves out of those pictures, but I’ve looked like a hundred times at those pictures and I can’t seem to see him.