NSFW – Fatback Media

G’day beautes! According to the ever so glamorous and accurate National Enquirer, Nicole Kidman is pregnant and recently announced the arrival to husband Keith Urban…in rehab! I love Hollywood! Urban is currently at the Betty Ford Clinic seeking treatment.

Two home pregnancy tests confirmed the 39-year-old actress is expecting her first child, sources say — but, ironically, her four-month marriage to country crooner Keith, 39, is in serious jeopardy. “Nicole’s dream of having a child finally came true when two home pregnancy tests came up positive,” an insider tells The ENQUIRER.

“But she’s devastated that Keith lied to her about kicking his addictions to booze and cocaine. She’s hoping the baby will save their relationship.” (source)

Mom “accidentally” dropped her diaphragm on a stack of open safety pins, thus “accidentally” poking a hole and I “accidentally” appeared nine months later. Apparently, a retired auto mechanic drawing disability was a solid candidate for fatherhood in spite of his penchant for stalking young women and his propensity for winding up in court. Naturally, that relationship didn’t last past breakfast and my presence only serves as a reminder that decisions are not best made while under the influence of Mad Dog 20/20 and Jerry Springer. The moral is: don’t have a baby to save your relationship unless you want that child to endure 13 years of therapy and countless sexual partners because you tried to make something out of nothing. I’m not bitter! No worries, Nicole, it’ll come good, love! Time for me to hit the turps. I speak Australian. I fucking rock!

While I have my morning coffee and cocaine (Like Stevie Ray!) check out these recent happenings.
Scott Stapp tries to explain how he wasn’t having sex with those girls he was having sex with on that tape with Kid Rock, who also did not have sex with the girls he had sex with. (Glitterati)

The sheriff from Invasion, William Fitchner, is going to join the cast of Prison Break because the assholes at ABC cancelled the best Sci-Fi show in 10 years. Bastards. (GMMR)

Elisabeth Shue, my ex-girlfriend, just had another god damn baby. Why don’t you rub it in my face a little more? (Bricks and Stones)

In case you weren’t aware, Britney Spears’ career is over. I’m surprised she lasted as long as she did. Bless her heart. (TMZ)

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman sent beers out to the paparazzi who were stalking them outside their house in Australia. Stupid photographers. Don’t they not to accept gifts from monsters. Did they not read Hansel and Gretel? (IDLYITW)

Speaking of Nicole Kidman…she’s not pregnant. Thank the white shores of Valinor! The beast has not reproduced. (yes I’m talking bout Keith “Mordor” Urban) (Tabloid Whore)

Keith Urban, probably the scariest guy I have ever seen, just got voted sexiest country star by what I can only guess are eyeless, cave-dwelling trolls with translucent skin who are living in the Appalachian Hills.

Nicole Kidman’s fiance Keith Urban has been voted the sexiest country music star.

The poll, conducted by US magazine Country Weekly, attracted over 32,000 votes with the singer grabbing the top spot ahead of Renee Zellweger’s former spouse Kenny Chesney.

Editor Bill Gubbins said: “The biggest surprise is how rapidly over the last couple of years Keith Urban has shot to the head of the class.”

Other male country singers to make the top ten were Toby Keith, Tim McGraw and Billy Ray Cyrus.(source)

Keith Urban looks like he would be more at home crashing an armor plated dune buggy into Mad Max than the sexiest country star but then again one of his competitor’s main asset was his mullet.

And now so your eyes will stop burning some real sexy country stars:

Ok. So Jaime Pressly and Marissa Miller aren’t country stars. But they are sexy.

In an effort to do something that makes no sense whatsoever, Nicole Kidman has stopeed having sex with Keith Urban until after they get married.

Nicole Kidman has put a sex ban on her fiance Keith Urban.

The ‘Cold Mountain’ actress has told the country singer they won’t have sex again until their wedding night – which is rumoured to be taking place in a few weeks time.

A source told Britain’s Daily Sport newspaper said: “Going four weeks without sex will certainly increase the passion on their wedding night.”

Nicole reportedly got the sex ban idea from her friend Russell Crowe. The ‘Gladiator’ star went for months without sex before he married Danielle Spence in 2003.(source)

First of all, she probably did it out of sheer fright. Dude is seriously scary. Like, the spawn of Johnny Winter and Quick Draw McGraw, scary. Secondly, WTF? Why do women think that holding out on a guy is going to make it better? He’ll either a) masturbate three times a day to porn until then, so he’ll be burned out, bitter and not interested in her quaint “missionary” position. Instead he’ll want to go straight for some nice DP action avec accoutrements. Or b) he’ll be so pent up that he’ll bust a nut trying to get his shorts off at go-time. Either way, the wedding bliss will be…not so much.

On a separate note, Russell Crowe is about the last person I would take sex advice from. I also think cutting him off from sex is the best way to get a high speed phone to the face. If that’s what you were looking for.