NSFW – Fatback Media

According to a completely unreliable source that I found via here, Nick Lachey has a small penis and Jessica Simpson is telling the world.

“Nick Lachey didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.”

“Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”

Having your insanely hot ex-girlfriend verbally emasculate you by saying that you have a small penis is tantamount to physical castration. She might as well have just cut his balls off at the mall and made a necklace out of them. “Hey look, I have Nick Lacheys balls! Around my neck! They were attached to his tiny, tiny penis!”

The sad thing is that he could be hung like Russian pack horse, but a lot of good that’ll do him now. He’s not going to get laid for at least 17 years and even if he does, girls will perceive that his penis is tiny because of the negative publicity. It’s like when you’re a waitress in a restaurant and one table complains about the food, so then everyone starts complaining. Except in this case, the food is Jessica Simpson and the people are his penis. Wait. The penis is the food and Jessica Simpson is a waitress. Wait. Eww. Shit. Jessica is the penis and people are the complaint. GOD DAMN IT. Whatever.

This is why you always send a dozen roses to a girl the day after you break up. Or, you can make a plater cast of your penis and put it on your mantle for your dates to see like I did. Although, I was out of pink water color paint, so I painted it dark brown, which seems to kind of freak some people out.

Nick Lachey recently said that he likes Vanessa Minillo because she is very different from Jessica Simpson. In fact, he reportedly celebrates those differences.

�Nick keeps telling Vanessa the difference between her and Jessica is that she is extremely intelligent,� a �Minnillo pal� tells the upcoming issue of US Weekly.

What�s more, the MTV host is also different from Lachey�s ex because she loves sports and is a �guy�s girl� who loves to �play darts and chill,� according to a friend of the couple. And on July 24, Minnillo gave Lachey �several lap dances� at a New York hot spot called Butter Lounge.(source)

I’m pretty sure sure it’s not Vanessa Minillo’s intellectual capabilities that he’s thinking about when she’s wearing a bikini on a Caribbean beach. Some people are intimidated by intelligent women. I, on the other hand, am extremely attracted to erudite, intelligent women with a sharp wit and an eye for any esoteric je ne sais quois that meet their fancy. That, or if they have a nice rack.

Jessica Simpson has reportedly called Nick Lachey out with an insultingly lowball offer for their divorce settlement. California Law (as with most other states) requires that all marital assets not covered by a pre-nuptual agreement be divided equally between the two parties.

Multiple sources connected with the former couple tell TMZ that Simpson has offered Lachey less than $1.5 million to settle the division of property. Under California law, Lachey would be entitled to half of what the couple earned during their marriage. The Associated Press reports that in 2004 alone, Simpson raked in $30 million.

We’re told that Simpson’s reps believe that Lachey will fold because he does not want to make it appear that he is after her money. They also know that Lachey is still in love with his estranged wife and believe he does not have the stomach to square off with her in court. (source)

Jessica also reportedly said that Nick Lachey is a god damn pussy and that he needs to take the bullshit settlement and then he should come right over and wash her feet because they are sore, but he needs to stop at the vet to pick up her dog who just had his anal glands lanced, and then stop at Costco and get her some tampons – but not the variety pack though – the last time he went, he got the fucking variety pack and he knows that she needs the super flow. God damn is it that fucking hard? Maybe if he were a real man…
Nick, like many before him, was fooled into a relationship with a high maintenance, needy bitch by a giant rack and the promise of hitting the trail on the road less traveled, if you will. Now that it’s over, Nick needs to grow a set and realize that he is in the catbird seat in this situation. The best revenge for putting up with a high maintenance chick like Jessica Simpson is taking her money and banging her sister and her best friend.

CaCee Cobb, who until recently, has been Jessica Simpson’s personal assistant (and friend?) is now without a job. This comes on the heels of rumors that CaCee has been spending time with Nick Lachey, Jessica’s ex.

On May 7, Cobb celebrated her last day on the job with friends at Arnie Morton’s Steakhouse in L.A. Fighting tears, Simpson, 25, raised her glass and said to Cobb:

“You are my best friend. I will be your best friend forever.” (source)

I’m no master detective, but I’m pretty sure if I were Cacee I would’ve skipped that toast. Jessica might as well have been wearing a little monacle and a fake mustache that she twirled while she saying, Best. Friends. FOR-EVAH!. MWAH HA HA HA HA!”.