NSFW - Fatback Media » Nick Lachey

Jessica Biel admits lesbian feelings for Jennifer Aniston

Fatback — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 20:01:03 +0000

Sexy beefcake Jessica Beil is apparently opening the door to rumors that she might be a lesbian. I actually just made all that up. But what kind of salacious news hound would I be if I went with something like: Jessica Bie really admires Jennifer Aniston, both as an actor and a woman whose strength and perseverance are a model for us all? That last one doesn’t quite give me the same wood as thinking about Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston making out in my living room.

“I understand being sexy, men love you, that’s great. But what’s really important is that women want to hang out with you. “That’s what I love about Jennifer Aniston – I watch her films and I think I love her. I really want to be her friend! (source)

Oh. Really. That sounds less like a steaming shower of boobies and girl on girl make outs and more like Jessica Biel sitting outside Jennifer Aniston’s apt in her car smoking cigarettes trying to get the nerve up to leave the teddy bear and hand made love note on her door step. Damn. Here are some pictures os Jessica Beil nude fromback inthe day,just in case you forgot why she’s #1 in your spank bank.

Links if you made it this far;

Uncle Kracker is a perv. (Yeeeah)
Britney Spears to bring her oral talents to the VMA’s. (IBBB)
Vanessa Minnillo nude! Or someone Asian nude! Or a girl with a tan and dark hair and the hariest beave I’ve ever seen, nude! (Notorious)
White folks and old black folks say the darnedest things! (Don’t Judge Me)
Buffy (2) is blonde again (INO)
Paris is a poorly dressed whore. (Bumpshack)
Natalie Martinez say hola. (Bastardly)
CNN rips their anchor because she wanted help promote healthy boobies. (Seriously OMG)
Nadine Coyle has a huge rack. (Jordan)
Porn stars should burn out, not fade away. (Holy candy)
Stripes make that ass phatter. (CH)

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Africa Trip Blamed for Jessica Simpson’s Divorce

Fatback — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:23:29 +0000

Jessica Simpson attributes failed marriage to Nick when he did not attend a charity trip in Africa in October 2005.

“I went there on our three-year wedding anniversary,” she tells Jane magazine for its November issue. “He stayed home”

Simpson was part of a travel contingent representing Operation Smile, a not-for-profit, volunteer medical services organization that provides reconstructive facial surgery to indigent children in remote areas.

Although Simpson and Lachey had both been presented with the organization’s Universal Smile Award at a Los Angeles Gala, Simpson ended up traveling to Nakuru, Kenya, with hairdresser Ken Paves, friend Cacee Cobb and her manger-father, Joe Simpson. (source)

In the land of WTF, picture me wearing a tutu, a hockey jersey and holding an assault rifle. That makes as much sense as traveling to Africa on your three-year anniversary with hairdresser in tow. Or maybe it’s offering plastic surgery to children who would probably benefit more from clean water than a “beauty mark” a la Cindy Crawford. Why are we still stewing over the breakup slash divorce almost a year after the fact anyway? Jessica could have caught Nick in compromising positions with a frozen turkey on the bathroom floor and I still wouldn’t give a fuck (although I would definitely google the photos). There’s more interesting news brewing lately. Like how am I gonna explain my recent trip to the clinic to my HMO? Real problems, real world, people! Here’s more of Jessica doing her best to not hide her boobtastic cleavage.

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Vanessa Minnillo Will Rock You Like a Hurricane

Fatback — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 14:26:27 +0000

MTV starlet Vanessa Minillo recently caught attention of Carolina Hurricanes players Eric Staal and Eric Cole at the NHL season kickoff party. Boyfriend Nick Lachey may have competition. Fight, fight!

NICK Lachey had better keep a close eye on girlfriend Vanessa Minillo. The MTV hottie caught the eyes of Eric Staal and Eric Cole of the Carolina Hurricanes the other night at Marquee at the NHL season kickoff party sponsored by FHM magazine. Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist was there, as well as Peter Forsberg and Darius Kasparaitis, plus hockey fans Tim Robbins and his son Miles. But not even Minillo could hold the players’ attention when the Stanley Cup was unveiled for the first time with the two Hurricanes’ names on it. (source)

As a devoted, enthusiastic hockey fan and an even more so, a loyal follower of the Carolina ‘Canes (reprazent!), I just want to tell Vanessa Minnillo to BACK THE FUCK UP, BITCH. I had my eyes on Staal and Cole long before your twiggy, gold-digging, soul-sucking ass showed up on the scene. It wasn’t enough that dejected Nick ran to your doorstep, but now you’re entertaining the ogles of two men who clearly belong to me? The last time a bitch meddled in my love affairs, she ended up on a stretcher with a stiletto up her kidney with her little red Porsche “parked” in the front glass window of Winn Dixie. I keep the pimp hand strong and I’m quick to slap a ho. Consider this your warning. Homewrecker.

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Vanessa Minnillo in Maxim Magazine

Fatback — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 14:59:19 +0000

Vanessa Minnillo is one of the prettiest girls on the planet. And she’s from down south. Well, she lived in South Carolina and won a bunch of beauty contests in high school and probably dated college guys the whole time. Bitch. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, I guess all that pretty will be riding around with Nick Lachey for a while, because he just got paid.

[T]he Star says he ended up walking away with $10 million in cash and prizes, which he may now spend on Vanessa Minillo and other Jessica replacements.(source)

I’ve been working on my street dance moves in my bedroom at night and sometimes I can even hear Nick speaking to me from that glossy poster of him I have taped over my bed. “You got the moves, kid. You got the moves” Then we sing, and I make a whole dance routine for our new band 99 degrees. It’s a lot like his old group. Just ONE.DEGREE. HOTTER.

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Nick Lachey may have a small penis

Fatback — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 14:08:18 +0000

According to a completely unreliable source that I found via here, Nick Lachey has a small penis and Jessica Simpson is telling the world.

“Nick Lachey didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.”

“Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”

Having your insanely hot ex-girlfriend verbally emasculate you by saying that you have a small penis is tantamount to physical castration. She might as well have just cut his balls off at the mall and made a necklace out of them. “Hey look, I have Nick Lacheys balls! Around my neck! They were attached to his tiny, tiny penis!”

The sad thing is that he could be hung like Russian pack horse, but a lot of good that’ll do him now. He’s not going to get laid for at least 17 years and even if he does, girls will perceive that his penis is tiny because of the negative publicity. It’s like when you’re a waitress in a restaurant and one table complains about the food, so then everyone starts complaining. Except in this case, the food is Jessica Simpson and the people are his penis. Wait. The penis is the food and Jessica Simpson is a waitress. Wait. Eww. Shit. Jessica is the penis and people are the complaint. GOD DAMN IT. Whatever.

This is why you always send a dozen roses to a girl the day after you break up. Or, you can make a plater cast of your penis and put it on your mantle for your dates to see like I did. Although, I was out of pink water color paint, so I painted it dark brown, which seems to kind of freak some people out.

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