NSFW - Fatback Media

Sexy beefcake Jessica Beil is apparently opening the door to rumors that she might be a lesbian. I actually just made all that up. But what kind of salacious news hound would I be if I went with something like: Jessica Bie really admires Jennifer Aniston, both as an actor and a woman whose strength and perseverance are a model for us all? That last one doesn’t quite give me the same wood as thinking about Jessica Biel and Jennifer Aniston making out in my living room.

“I understand being sexy, men love you, that’s great. But what’s really important is that women want to hang out with you. “That’s what I love about Jennifer Aniston - I watch her films and I think I love her. I really want to be her friend! (source)

Oh. Really. That sounds less like a steaming shower of boobies and girl on girl make outs and more like Jessica Biel sitting outside Jennifer Aniston’s apt in her car smoking cigarettes trying to get the nerve up to leave the teddy bear and hand made love note on her door step. Damn. Here are some pictures os Jessica Beil nude fromback inthe day,just in case you forgot why she’s #1 in your spank bank.

Links if you made it this far;

• Uncle Kracker is a perv. (Yeeeah)
• Britney Spears to bring her oral talents to the VMA’s. (IBBB)
• Vanessa Minnillo nude! Or someone Asian nude! Or a girl with a tan and dark hair and the hariest beave I’ve ever seen, nude! (Notorious)
• White folks and old black folks say the darnedest things! (Don’t Judge Me)
• Buffy (2) is blonde again (INO)
• Paris is a poorly dressed whore. (Bumpshack)
• Natalie Martinez say hola. (Bastardly)
• CNN rips their anchor because she wanted help promote healthy boobies. (Seriously OMG)
• Nadine Coyle has a huge rack. (Jordan)
• Porn stars should burn out, not fade away. (Holy candy)
• Stripes make that ass phatter. (CH)

Jessica Simpson attributes failed marriage to Nick when he did not attend a charity trip in Africa in October 2005.

“I went there on our three-year wedding anniversary,” she tells Jane magazine for its November issue. “He stayed home”

Simpson was part of a travel contingent representing Operation Smile, a not-for-profit, volunteer medical services organization that provides reconstructive facial surgery to indigent children in remote areas.

Although Simpson and Lachey had both been presented with the organization’s Universal Smile Award at a Los Angeles Gala, Simpson ended up traveling to Nakuru, Kenya, with hairdresser Ken Paves, friend Cacee Cobb and her manger-father, Joe Simpson. (source)

In the land of WTF, picture me wearing a tutu, a hockey jersey and holding an assault rifle. That makes as much sense as traveling to Africa on your three-year anniversary with hairdresser in tow. Or maybe it’s offering plastic surgery to children who would probably benefit more from clean water than a “beauty mark” a la Cindy Crawford. Why are we still stewing over the breakup slash divorce almost a year after the fact anyway? Jessica could have caught Nick in compromising positions with a frozen turkey on the bathroom floor and I still wouldn’t give a fuck (although I would definitely google the photos). There’s more interesting news brewing lately. Like how am I gonna explain my recent trip to the clinic to my HMO? Real problems, real world, people! Here’s more of Jessica doing her best to not hide her boobtastic cleavage.

MTV starlet Vanessa Minillo recently caught attention of Carolina Hurricanes players Eric Staal and Eric Cole at the NHL season kickoff party. Boyfriend Nick Lachey may have competition. Fight, fight!

NICK Lachey had better keep a close eye on girlfriend Vanessa Minillo. The MTV hottie caught the eyes of Eric Staal and Eric Cole of the Carolina Hurricanes the other night at Marquee at the NHL season kickoff party sponsored by FHM magazine. Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist was there, as well as Peter Forsberg and Darius Kasparaitis, plus hockey fans Tim Robbins and his son Miles. But not even Minillo could hold the players’ attention when the Stanley Cup was unveiled for the first time with the two Hurricanes’ names on it. (source)

As a devoted, enthusiastic hockey fan and an even more so, a loyal follower of the Carolina ‘Canes (reprazent!), I just want to tell Vanessa Minnillo to BACK THE FUCK UP, BITCH. I had my eyes on Staal and Cole long before your twiggy, gold-digging, soul-sucking ass showed up on the scene. It wasn’t enough that dejected Nick ran to your doorstep, but now you’re entertaining the ogles of two men who clearly belong to me? The last time a bitch meddled in my love affairs, she ended up on a stretcher with a stiletto up her kidney with her little red Porsche “parked” in the front glass window of Winn Dixie. I keep the pimp hand strong and I’m quick to slap a ho. Consider this your warning. Homewrecker.

Vanessa Minnillo is one of the prettiest girls on the planet. And she’s from down south. Well, she lived in South Carolina and won a bunch of beauty contests in high school and probably dated college guys the whole time. Bitch. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, I guess all that pretty will be riding around with Nick Lachey for a while, because he just got paid.

[T]he Star says he ended up walking away with $10 million in cash and prizes, which he may now spend on Vanessa Minillo and other Jessica replacements.(source)

I’ve been working on my street dance moves in my bedroom at night and sometimes I can even hear Nick speaking to me from that glossy poster of him I have taped over my bed. “You got the moves, kid. You got the moves” Then we sing, and I make a whole dance routine for our new band 99 degrees. It’s a lot like his old group. Just ONE.DEGREE. HOTTER.

According to a completely unreliable source that I found via here, Nick Lachey has a small penis and Jessica Simpson is telling the world.

“Nick Lachey didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.”

“Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”

Having your insanely hot ex-girlfriend verbally emasculate you by saying that you have a small penis is tantamount to physical castration. She might as well have just cut his balls off at the mall and made a necklace out of them. “Hey look, I have Nick Lacheys balls! Around my neck! They were attached to his tiny, tiny penis!”

The sad thing is that he could be hung like Russian pack horse, but a lot of good that’ll do him now. He’s not going to get laid for at least 17 years and even if he does, girls will perceive that his penis is tiny because of the negative publicity. It’s like when you’re a waitress in a restaurant and one table complains about the food, so then everyone starts complaining. Except in this case, the food is Jessica Simpson and the people are his penis. Wait. The penis is the food and Jessica Simpson is a waitress. Wait. Eww. Shit. Jessica is the penis and people are the complaint. GOD DAMN IT. Whatever.

This is why you always send a dozen roses to a girl the day after you break up. Or, you can make a plater cast of your penis and put it on your mantle for your dates to see like I did. Although, I was out of pink water color paint, so I painted it dark brown, which seems to kind of freak some people out.

Nick Lachey recently said that he likes Vanessa Minillo because she is very different from Jessica Simpson. In fact, he reportedly celebrates those differences.

�Nick keeps telling Vanessa the difference between her and Jessica is that she is extremely intelligent,� a �Minnillo pal� tells the upcoming issue of US Weekly.

What�s more, the MTV host is also different from Lachey�s ex because she loves sports and is a �guy�s girl� who loves to �play darts and chill,� according to a friend of the couple. And on July 24, Minnillo gave Lachey �several lap dances� at a New York hot spot called Butter Lounge.(source)

I’m pretty sure sure it’s not Vanessa Minillo’s intellectual capabilities that he’s thinking about when she’s wearing a bikini on a Caribbean beach. Some people are intimidated by intelligent women. I, on the other hand, am extremely attracted to erudite, intelligent women with a sharp wit and an eye for any esoteric je ne sais quois that meet their fancy. That, or if they have a nice rack.

Jessica Simpson has reportedly called Nick Lachey out with an insultingly lowball offer for their divorce settlement. California Law (as with most other states) requires that all marital assets not covered by a pre-nuptual agreement be divided equally between the two parties.

Multiple sources connected with the former couple tell TMZ that Simpson has offered Lachey less than $1.5 million to settle the division of property. Under California law, Lachey would be entitled to half of what the couple earned during their marriage. The Associated Press reports that in 2004 alone, Simpson raked in $30 million.

We’re told that Simpson’s reps believe that Lachey will fold because he does not want to make it appear that he is after her money. They also know that Lachey is still in love with his estranged wife and believe he does not have the stomach to square off with her in court. (source)

Jessica also reportedly said that Nick Lachey is a god damn pussy and that he needs to take the bullshit settlement and then he should come right over and wash her feet because they are sore, but he needs to stop at the vet to pick up her dog who just had his anal glands lanced, and then stop at Costco and get her some tampons - but not the variety pack though - the last time he went, he got the fucking variety pack and he knows that she needs the super flow. God damn is it that fucking hard? Maybe if he were a real man…
Nick, like many before him, was fooled into a relationship with a high maintenance, needy bitch by a giant rack and the promise of hitting the trail on the road less traveled, if you will. Now that it’s over, Nick needs to grow a set and realize that he is in the catbird seat in this situation. The best revenge for putting up with a high maintenance chick like Jessica Simpson is taking her money and banging her sister and her best friend.

CaCee Cobb, who until recently, has been Jessica Simpson’s personal assistant (and friend?) is now without a job. This comes on the heels of rumors that CaCee has been spending time with Nick Lachey, Jessica’s ex.

On May 7, Cobb celebrated her last day on the job with friends at Arnie Morton’s Steakhouse in L.A. Fighting tears, Simpson, 25, raised her glass and said to Cobb:

“You are my best friend. I will be your best friend forever.” (source)

I’m no master detective, but I’m pretty sure if I were Cacee I would’ve skipped that toast. Jessica might as well have been wearing a little monacle and a fake mustache that she twirled while she saying, Best. Friends. FOR-EVAH!. MWAH HA HA HA HA!”.

Nick Lachey is apparently doing his best to forget Jessica Simpson by being seen with every hot girl on the planet. He was at the Kentucky Derby’s Barnstable Bash recently where he and Petra Nemcova hooked up. By the way that hat she is wearing is some kind of Grey Goose Original design that costs $1000.00. For a fucking hat. Made by alcoholics. Whatever.

Supermodel Petra Nemcova and [Nick Lachey] were spotting getting super cozy over the weekend at the Barnstable Brown Bash at the Kentucky Derby.

The duo arrived solo on the red carpet. Sources told “Extra” it was Petra who approached Nick at the party and was very hands on.(source)

Petra Nemcova is so hot that a fucking tsunami spared her life. That’s hotness of biblical proportions. In some countries you are automatically declared god for something like that. People just start worshiping you and bringing you offerings and sacrificing things. All in all, it sounds like a pretty good deal. It actually happened to me one time except instead of surviving a natural disaster I bought some underage girls some Bartles and James Wine Coolers and instead of worshiping me one of them gave me a fumbly handjob. But, to her credit, she barely cried at all.

Well it looks like Nick Lachey is getting cozy with CaCee Cobb again. The two were seen at a club in Las Vegas this week in a VIP lounge despite insistence that they are just friends.

Cameras captured Nick at the Las Vegas hotspot Pure with CaCee Cobb, the personal assistant and best friend of his soon-to-be ex, Jessica Simpson. Nick told the television show ‘EXTRA’ that the two are just friends.

This isn’t the first time the pair was rumored to be an item. Life & Style magazine reported back in February that the two were spotted together in a Los Angeles club. One onlooker told the mag that Nick “was kissing all over the side of her face and neck.”(source)

The Guilded Moose had this from a reader:

I was at Pure in Vegas… on Saturday night to try to get a peek at crazy Pam Anderson, who was guest Pussycat Doll-ing that evening… [W]e walked into the main dance area where dj am spins, and immediately noticed CaCee Cobb… standing center stage in the VIP area, so she could be admired by everyone in the room… Then, about 30 minutes later, Nick Lachey enters the VIP area and immediately gets chummy with CaCee, and that’s when I pull out my camera.

They looked close. Too close for just “friends”. Who the hell knows though. Hope you can use them. On a side note, later in the evening Dane Cook showed up and hung out in the same area. Isn’t he hooking up with Jessica now? What a tangled web they weave.(Full article here)(images)

So the two were seen together, ergo, according to the laws of pop culture, they are obviously sleeping together. I know this because I’m smart as a whip and I used the word ergo. I’m a scientist! Again, I have to hand it to Nick. He’s banging everything in sight. CaCee Cobb comes with a one-two punch, too. She’s hot and Jessica’s former friend. Nothing says I vengeance is mine like banging your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Except maybe banging your ex-girlfriend’s little sister. Which I highly recommend.