I’m from down south, and down south they say, “you’ve got to stand for something.” I don’t remember how the rest goes because I don’t listen to my elders, I don’t go to church and don’t generally listen to country music which pretty much means I have no moral compass. Which has worked out so far. But that’s not good enough for the devil – or record producers in Nashville.

The thing that’s fucking all that up is hot chicks like The Wreckers singing country music. I’m pretty sure I was going to hell anyway but I planned on hitch hiking and taking my time. This puts me on the quick path to eternal Hellfire in the passenger seat of a demon Peterbuilt that runs on white crosses and Jack Daniels. It’s kinda like how the Republicans convinced middle America that helping the rich get richer and the poor get poorer was what Jesus wanted and that mini-vans are cool and NASCAR is a sport. Except here, the devil is convincing me that it’s okay to listen to country music by using hot chicks with angelic voices who dress like gypsies and have nose rings. I’m a sucker for a hard livin’, gypsy chick with a hard luck story and a nose ring. True story.

Links, for the damned.

• Check out Today’s Big Thing. (TBT)
• Cheryl Tweedy Cole singing because she is apparently person who sings (Drunken Stepfather)
• 10 ways to save money money on dates. You cheap bastard. (Crave)
• Kiera Knightly nude. She looks like me at 12. Nice rack. (Yeeeah)
• America’s Top model is still on? (IBBB)
• Rumer Willis is the Bizzaro Willis. (Allie)
• Lauren Conrad bikini pics for the Republicans. (Jordan)
• Linda Cardellini still refusing to show her sweet rack. (Bastardly)

Britney Spears’ video for the single Gimme More hit iTunes today and like the good pirates that they are some scoundrels posted it to YouTube, so watch this while you can…or not.

The video, which features Spears, 25, interacting with a sexy alter-ego, is a departure from her previous clips. While Spears dances, she’s alone for
most of the video (except for a few surprise scenes) and the effects are slick yet minimal. Dressed very provocatively in fishnets and a black adorned motorcycle vest, Spears shows off a slim, toned physique — including one shot of her naked back. (source)

Ok. Is it me or did someone slip the camera a roofie? The whole thing looks like its being filmed from inside a jar of Vaseline. I think I get what they were trying to do here. Good Britney (blond) is confronted by Bad Britney (brunette) and a cerebral confrontation begins that pits id against superego, while we the viewer [read: ego] sort it all out. Ironically, it turned out to be Freudian mess anyway because by the end of it Britney is trying to fuck herself which is just plain weird. Which makes me glad I never saw my mom naked.

Jennifer Lopez no longer wants to be referred to as “J-Lo” fearing it only furthers her negative status as a diva. Blah, blah, who cares. Just don’t get rid of that junk in yo’ trunk, baby. I mean, no need for radical change.

Actress and singer Jennifer Lopez ditched the performing name of J-Lo, in a bid to dump her reputation as a diva.

The 37-year-old, famous for being demanding and stroppy, said her alter-ego was meant to be fun but “got out of control and really crazy”.She added: “That’s all gone with the ridiculous stories about me throwing tantrums and insisting on Egyptian sheets. That’s all firmly in my past.” (source)

Silly, J-Lo. Don’t you know you’ll never be known otherwise in spite of your efforts? It’s like that fat kid in 1st grade with spaghetti stains on his shirt that ate all the lunches during nap time. He’ll always be known as Fatty. Or that slutty girl in high school who used to help “excercise”  the football team underneath the bleachers in exchange for prom queen nominations. I’ll never live that down. Err, I mean, she’ll never live that down. Oh go fuck yourselves. Here’s some more J-Lo in Italian Vanity Fair. Bon Jovi, questo di pasta! Mortadella!

Rolling Stone’s June issue is set to feature Johnny Depp and Keith Richards, stars of the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Richards will be playing Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s (Depp) father.

It’s damn near typecasting, since Depp admits he used Richards as a model for the dreadlocked, mascaraed Jack. As Roger Ebert wrote, “Depp seems to be channeling a drunken drag queen, with his eyeliner and the way he minces ashore and slurs his dialogue ever so insouciantly.”

RS also insouciantly added:

Depp’s trailer is movie-star expansive and well swabbed with couches and wall tapestries, yet the joint also has the scary vibe of a voodoo lounge. After all, Richards, a certified wild card, recently told a Brit magazine that he was so close to his late dad, Bert, that he snorted his ashes with a bit of blow… Days earlier, [a] reporter earned the wrath of Keith for mistaking Richards’ famed skull ring for an Iggy Pop copy. The blunder led the rock icon to threaten the journalist with sodomy by banana.(source)

It’s no secret I have a weakness for badass rockstars with attitudes, so the news of Keith threatening sodomy by banana MADE MY FUCKING DAY. This story isn’t southern and it isn’t sexy, but it’s a riot. Not all celebrity gossip is filled with hot women with ginormous racks, you greedy bastards. Learn to appreciate the finer things in life, like fine wine, good music, strippers who accept checks and coked-out 60 year old rockstars.

And because I know you only come here for the gratuitous tit and ass shots, here’s some photos of ultra hot Karolina Kurkova. You can’t pronounce it, but you don’t need to. Kisses!

-Em.

Before getting into this, I wanted to share an inspirational quote from a book I read some years ago. It’s by one of the rats in Who Moved My Cheese:

“When you move beyond your fear, you feel free.”

Sultry singer Jessica Simpson, who recently broke up with singer John Mayer is waxing poetic about her trials, tribulations and the debilitating fear that comes with being a super rich, entitled country-come-to-town, “singer” who never wonts for anything and always gets her way. I was being ironic there. See? Not like Alanis ironic – which isn’t ironic at all – more at (and this is for the cheap seats), change the debilitating fear to total awesomeness. Here’s what she says on her website:

I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention -

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength.

“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we’ve mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this…

What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action?

Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?

I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I’ve discovered somewhere worth traveling to…

In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I’m left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity.

There is no discovery.” (source)

Indeed, bard. Indeed. That’s so inspiring. And original. And totally divined from Michaelangelo’s sculpture; certainly not from the 69 page paperback that you picked up at the airport with an Us Magazine and a box of Sour Patch Kids. I too, have become inspired by this passage and offer this:

“The delicate flower, when from bucolic meadow is unduly plucked, though she sails high seas in vessels gold or in adulation reigns with crown on troubled brow, shall ne’er be so quiescent as in her original sanctum…”

or more rightly,

“You can take the girl out of the trailer park…and if she has DD’s she might just make it. Or she could always work at Hooter’s.”

I think another of our great poet’s put it best:

“Welcome to the jungle baby, you gonna die.”

You. Gonna. Die. Indeed.