NSFW - Fatback Media

I’m from down south, and down south they say, “you’ve got to stand for something.” I don’t remember how the rest goes because I don’t listen to my elders, I don’t go to church and don’t generally listen to country music which pretty much means I have no moral compass. Which has worked out so far. But that’s not good enough for the devil - or record producers in Nashville.

The thing that’s fucking all that up is hot chicks like The Wreckers singing country music. I’m pretty sure I was going to hell anyway but I planned on hitch hiking and taking my time. This puts me on the quick path to eternal Hellfire in the passenger seat of a demon Peterbuilt that runs on white crosses and Jack Daniels. It’s kinda like how the Republicans convinced middle America that helping the rich get richer and the poor get poorer was what Jesus wanted and that mini-vans are cool and NASCAR is a sport. Except here, the devil is convincing me that it’s okay to listen to country music by using hot chicks with angelic voices who dress like gypsies and have nose rings. I’m a sucker for a hard livin’, gypsy chick with a hard luck story and a nose ring. True story.

Links, for the damned.

• Check out Today’s Big Thing. (TBT)
• Cheryl Tweedy Cole singing because she is apparently person who sings (Drunken Stepfather)
• 10 ways to save money money on dates. You cheap bastard. (Crave)
• Kiera Knightly nude. She looks like me at 12. Nice rack. (Yeeeah)
• America’s Top model is still on? (IBBB)
• Rumer Willis is the Bizzaro Willis. (Allie)
• Lauren Conrad bikini pics for the Republicans. (Jordan)
• Linda Cardellini still refusing to show her sweet rack. (Bastardly)

Britney Spears’ video for the single Gimme More hit iTunes today and like the good pirates that they are some scoundrels posted it to YouTube, so watch this while you can…or not.

The video, which features Spears, 25, interacting with a sexy alter-ego, is a departure from her previous clips. While Spears dances, she’s alone for
most of the video (except for a few surprise scenes) and the effects are slick yet minimal. Dressed very provocatively in fishnets and a black adorned motorcycle vest, Spears shows off a slim, toned physique — including one shot of her naked back. (source)

Ok. Is it me or did someone slip the camera a roofie? The whole thing looks like its being filmed from inside a jar of Vaseline. I think I get what they were trying to do here. Good Britney (blond) is confronted by Bad Britney (brunette) and a cerebral confrontation begins that pits id against superego, while we the viewer [read: ego] sort it all out. Ironically, it turned out to be Freudian mess anyway because by the end of it Britney is trying to fuck herself which is just plain weird. Which makes me glad I never saw my mom naked.

 

Jennifer Lopez no longer wants to be referred to as “J-Lo” fearing it only furthers her negative status as a diva. Blah, blah, who cares. Just don’t get rid of that junk in yo’ trunk, baby. I mean, no need for radical change.

Actress and singer Jennifer Lopez ditched the performing name of J-Lo, in a bid to dump her reputation as a diva.

The 37-year-old, famous for being demanding and stroppy, said her alter-ego was meant to be fun but “got out of control and really crazy”.She added: “That’s all gone with the ridiculous stories about me throwing tantrums and insisting on Egyptian sheets. That’s all firmly in my past.” (source)

Silly, J-Lo. Don’t you know you’ll never be known otherwise in spite of your efforts? It’s like that fat kid in 1st grade with spaghetti stains on his shirt that ate all the lunches during nap time. He’ll always be known as Fatty. Or that slutty girl in high school who used to help “excercise”  the football team underneath the bleachers in exchange for prom queen nominations. I’ll never live that down. Err, I mean, she’ll never live that down. Oh go fuck yourselves. Here’s some more J-Lo in Italian Vanity Fair. Bon Jovi, questo di pasta! Mortadella!

Rolling Stone’s June issue is set to feature Johnny Depp and Keith Richards, stars of the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Richards will be playing Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s (Depp) father.

It’s damn near typecasting, since Depp admits he used Richards as a model for the dreadlocked, mascaraed Jack. As Roger Ebert wrote, “Depp seems to be channeling a drunken drag queen, with his eyeliner and the way he minces ashore and slurs his dialogue ever so insouciantly.”

RS also insouciantly added:

Depp’s trailer is movie-star expansive and well swabbed with couches and wall tapestries, yet the joint also has the scary vibe of a voodoo lounge. After all, Richards, a certified wild card, recently told a Brit magazine that he was so close to his late dad, Bert, that he snorted his ashes with a bit of blow… Days earlier, [a] reporter earned the wrath of Keith for mistaking Richards’ famed skull ring for an Iggy Pop copy. The blunder led the rock icon to threaten the journalist with sodomy by banana.(source)

It’s no secret I have a weakness for badass rockstars with attitudes, so the news of Keith threatening sodomy by banana MADE MY FUCKING DAY. This story isn’t southern and it isn’t sexy, but it’s a riot. Not all celebrity gossip is filled with hot women with ginormous racks, you greedy bastards. Learn to appreciate the finer things in life, like fine wine, good music, strippers who accept checks and coked-out 60 year old rockstars.

And because I know you only come here for the gratuitous tit and ass shots, here’s some photos of ultra hot Karolina Kurkova. You can’t pronounce it, but you don’t need to. Kisses!

-Em.

Before getting into this, I wanted to share an inspirational quote from a book I read some years ago. It’s by one of the rats in Who Moved My Cheese:

“When you move beyond your fear, you feel free.”

Sultry singer Jessica Simpson, who recently broke up with singer John Mayer is waxing poetic about her trials, tribulations and the debilitating fear that comes with being a super rich, entitled country-come-to-town, “singer” who never wonts for anything and always gets her way. I was being ironic there. See? Not like Alanis ironic - which isn’t ironic at all - more at (and this is for the cheap seats), change the debilitating fear to total awesomeness. Here’s what she says on her website:

I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention -

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength.

“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we’ve mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this…

What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action?

Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?

I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I’ve discovered somewhere worth traveling to…

In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I’m left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity.

There is no discovery.” (source)

Indeed, bard. Indeed. That’s so inspiring. And original. And totally divined from Michaelangelo’s sculpture; certainly not from the 69 page paperback that you picked up at the airport with an Us Magazine and a box of Sour Patch Kids. I too, have become inspired by this passage and offer this:

“The delicate flower, when from bucolic meadow is unduly plucked, though she sails high seas in vessels gold or in adulation reigns with crown on troubled brow, shall ne’er be so quiescent as in her original sanctum…”

or more rightly,

“You can take the girl out of the trailer park…and if she has DD’s she might just make it. Or she could always work at Hooter’s.”

I think another of our great poet’s put it best:

“Welcome to the jungle baby, you gonna die.”

You. Gonna. Die. Indeed.

 

Singer Avril Lavigne is stirring up gossip over her image for the June cover of Blender magazine, where she is featured seemingly naked from the waist up. Oooh, sinner.

Truth be told, Lavigne revealed to us before taking the stage last night, the photo shoot was a little more innocent than you think. “Actually, I’m not topless on the cover,” she said. “I was wearing a tube top, and they just kind of put a banner on top of it.”

Even if she’s not topless, the 22-year-old is still flaunting her inner bad girl. “The Blender shoot was really fun because it was super rock and roll — we had a bottle of [whiskey] and ate cupcakes,” she said. “Everyone was super cool. It was definitely a different kind of photo shoot for me.” (source)

Cupcakes are so fucking rock‘n’roll. I bet if you slice open Mick Jagger, (besides dust) you’d find a tourniquet, a stripper and dozens of tiny cupcakes. Chocolate ones, with fuckin’ sprinkles. Becuase nothing says rock like tiny baked confections. Except, not. Avril is anything but rock‘n’roll. She’s a 22 year old whino from Canada who thinks she’s badass because she cusses and dates sk8er bois. If she were a real rock chick, she’d be naked in that photo giving Joe Perry a handjob while another girl tongues her Lizard King breast tattoo. But most importantly, she wouldn’t be talking about it because she wouldn’t have to. Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak. Whores. Here’s Avril at the Maxim Hot 100 Party.

Newly hot bodied, but still white trash-ed, Britney Spears performed at the House of Blues in San Diego last night at a “secret” performance under a fake name in a toungue-in cheek effort that was about as subtle as forcible sodomy. I think the cat was let out of the bag, as it were, when Jerry Penacoli reported last night on Extra a few hours before the show that Britney Spears would be performing at the House of Blues under the name the M&M’s. But then he said SHHHH, while putting his finger up to his lips. Which totally confused the audience. But those San Diegans are whip smart and they saw right through that ruse.

The attendance is said to have been around 650 screaming fans. And by screaming I mean they waited 3 hours got bored, then booed until Britney came out. The good news is that she lip sync’d the whole thing so no one in the front row got any Cheetoe spit or Menthol sweat dripped on them. She sang mouthed 5 songs then left the stage without a word. SHE’S BACK! If you care, the boring recaps (and by that I mean brilliant recap of a boring event) are here and here. Photos via.

Olivia Mojica, from way back in season 2 of American Idol, may just soothe my spirits after Haley Scarnato was kicked off last night. It turns out she made a sex tape last month. It also turns out that tape may be the raunchiest sex tape ever shot. Here’s a hint. Girlfriend is a freeeeak. The trailer can be seen at Hardcoreidol.com.

The video, which Mojica made with her boyfriend a month ago in her New York City apartment, is set to hit shelves on May 3, courtesy of Vivid Entertainment, the adult entertainment company behind Kim Kardashian’s X-rated romp. Vivid is currently hosting the uncut trailer at hardcoreidol.com.

We’re told the tape is “very explicit” and features 40 minutes of “smoking hot sex.” One source who says he has seen the tape put it this way — “It’s the nastiest tape I’ve ever seen.” (source)

God. Damn.

You know when a dude in the PORN INDUSTRY gets freaked out by a sex tape, the shit is going to be any combination of:

1. Fucking
2. Awesome

I’m hard to impress so I hope this thing lives up to the hype or my wildebeast tape may just have to see the light of day. Here are some screen caps from Hard Core Idol. I’ll post more as they come available.

Downer update: IMAGES REMOVED BY REQUEST… AGAIN….

Hope you all had a fun filled Easter Weekend celebrating the rabbit that lays chocolate eggs who brought that Jewish guy back from the dead, or whatever that’s all about. I just drank a lot and had sex fourteen times. Which is kinda the same thing. Paganism is the shit. Switching gears from religion to awww, aint that cute as a button, here’s Jessica Simpson, wearing a homemade dress frolicking with John Mayer on the beach in a totally non-staged day of fun in the sun overcast clouds.

LINKS!

• Totally sweet spoiler of the next Heroes Episode. Linderman is a hero too? (Heroes Forum)
• Dita Von Tease gets naked. Again. Never gets old, but GF needs some vitamin D. (DS)
• Avril Lavigne is a sell out. But I’m sure she’s totally hardcore on the inside. (Tasteful)
• Kirsten Dundst got dumped. SFW? (Yeeeah!)
• Jenna Haze drinks something ut I’m just staring at her rack. (Bastardly)
• Scarlett Johansson tries to un-whorify herself. (Bumpshack)
• Charlotte Church is a big black girl. (DListed)
• Celebrities smoking pot, for you fetishist. (City Rag)

Besides Sanjaya, who’s a total dreamboat, Haley Scarnato is the hottest Idol contestant left. (Well, there is that chick that kinda looks like chocolate Shrek. Reeeow. )Point is, Haley may have the nicest rack in American Idol history. Katharine Mcphee is a close second. It’s cool though. She’s used to second place. Zing!

China (THE COMMUNIST COUNTRY) is starting their own version of Idol that, from these reports, may just be spicier than General Gao’s Chicken with extra ginger. It’s going to be called Boys Happy Voice, which sounds like a play I was in at Catholic School. I don’t like to talk about it.

Tears, wild hair and unhealthy songs are banned when China’s latest version of “American Idol” goes on the air next month.

“No weirdness, no vulgarity, no low taste,” the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television said Friday in a notice to the producers of “Boys Happy Voice,” according to the official Xinhua News Agency.

The talent show, to be broadcast beginning May 1, is a sequel to the hugely popular TV contest “Super Girls Voice” in 2005, which drew more than 400 million viewers. The woman who won that contest became a popular singer in China….

“Happy Boys Voice” should include only “healthy and ethically inspiring” songs and avoid scenes of screaming fans or losing contestants in tears,” the regulator was quoted as saying. (source)

The officals were also quoted as saying that, instead of being forced to sing (while crying )when they are eliminated, ousted contestants will be crushed by Red Army Tanks to show their Happy Fun Patriotism and Conformity. More Haley proving that some animals are more equal than others…