Rebecca Loos, nude? No. Really? Noooo. That’s right, here’s Rebecca Loos, the very famous actress, or um..singer, or… well come to think of it, she’s really just famous for being naked. Which means she’s a free spirit who celebrates the body electric and wants to share that incandescent enfranchisement with the world. Or, she’s just a whore.

You gotta hand it to the British, because where else can you find a big titted tart nestled right between the pages of your afternoon news? I think if we added some full frontal nudity into news stores about Iraq, people wouldn’t be so pissy about the war. They’d be all, “yeah people are dying senselessly everyday and the corporate pseudo-government agencies like Haliburton just keep getting richer and richer at the expense of so much American blood , but I found some titties in my Time Magazine today. Can you image? Titties!? Will wonders never cease?” Links, bitches.

• Britney Spears has tipped the whore/hottie scale in favor of hottie 51/49. (DS)
• Tattoos are whorish. That’s why I love Megan Fox. (Bastardly)
• Pics from some Maxim party where they lied to girls and told them they were pretty. (ICYDK)
• Terri Hatcher upskirt. IF YOU DARE. (Ninja Dude)
• The Spice Girls had group sex in London. Whatever. (Glunp)
• Jessica Alba musings. Hint: she doesn’t want to fuck you. (DH)
• Colleges have college girls. Girls have boobies. ERGO. Boobies. (CH)
• Happy Meal with a glass pipe and a 1/4 bag. (City rag)

“I think her names Lucy cause they all call her Loos…”

More Links Bitches.

• Okay. Yeah. People having sex while being tattooed. (Crave)
• Jamie Lynn Spears is a little lady. (IBBB)
• Mary Kate Olsen is kind of a whore. (Allie)
• Peter Petrelli is a hero… to all pervs. (Holy Candy)
• Bret Ratner banged Lindsay Lohan but don’t quote him on that. (Evil Beet)
• Sienna Miller nude and pissed. (Drunken stepfather)
• Giselle Bundtcake does GQ (Bastardly)
• Alexandra is the college girl of the week (College Humor)
• Pamela Anderson got married again. SEX TAPE! (Yeeeah)
• Ben Stiller’s new movie sucks wind – like a  queef. (Pajiba)
• Penelope Cruz Bikini pics (Jordan)

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a pretty good judge of character because of all my work in the peace corps and local churches feeding the downtrodden. And because of my amazing dance moves that keep the ladies groovin’ the funky beat. That’s why I can see that Megan Fox is a bitch. And she hates your girlfriend. Why else would she continue to remain this hot, knowing that it’s only going to piss people off? I’ll tell you why.

Because there is no hope left in the world.

Just like when you thought Leo DiCaprio was going to take Matt Damon to jail and be vindicated at the end of The Departed. That was hope. Then Martin Scorsese took that hope away by blowing Leo’s brains all over an elevator and leaving several plot lines hanging with no closure. Martin Scorsese is a dreamcrushing hopekiller. And the Departed sucked. How did I start talking about this? Oh yeah. Megan Fox is hotter than your girlfriend. And Brian Austin Green is a dick. Here are some screen caps from the new Transformer movie. Or as I like to call it The Megan Fox Movie with some other stuff and that guy whose name sounds like steak.

Check out Christina Aguilera in Maxim’s March issue where she reveals wicked bedroom secrets. Sassy!

Maxim: There seems to be new celebrity divorce in the tabloids every week. How do you guys keep it going? Role-playing? Costumes?

CA: How did you get into my bedroom? [laughs] We always have fun. I like to play doctor.
Maxim: Details, please.

CA: I got Jordan a doctor’s outfit with a doctor’s bag full of sex toys. I wore the naughty nurse costume, of course.

With all the Anna Nicole Smiths, Britneys and Hiltons (et al) fucking it up for everyone, it’s nice to see that someone with a real talent can still make a living these days. Christina Aguilera is a little teeney smokin’ hot pixie and I just want to kiss her on head and put her in my pocket. It’s almost unfair that she’s so hot and she can sing so well. It’s like having sex with a prostitute and then she decides to let have it for free. And you weren’t even going to kill this one. Remember we promised ourself? Okay, that’s a little different. I bet she’d look good in duct tape.

Check out Lacey Chabert in the January issue of Maxim magazine where she talks about her upcoming movie, Party of Five, life in Hollywood and growing up in the sizzling south.

In your new movie, you’re being terrorized by a maniac who’s been locked in an attic. Do you survive?
I can’t say. But I do have one really cool scene where I go under the house to reset the circuit breaker and he chases me. I’m crawling through the mud on my stomach, trying to get away, and I have mud in my eyes, in my teeth, up my nose…I was sneezing mud for two days after that. (source)

Did she say crawling through the mud on her stomach? I love horror films. Especially horror films where Santa is the bad guy and is ultra naughty. And horror films where Santa is the bad guy chasing a sexy, southern innocent chick is ultra naughty in a way that only inhabits my dreams. I’m not saying this is the plot for her upcoming movie Black Christmas (opening Christmas Day), I’m saying this is the plot for the screenplay in my mind. A mind is a terrible thing. Check out these terrible scans of Lacey Chabert in the January edition of Maxim.

Nothing like a good catfight to get the day started off right. Except it’s closing time and there really wasn’t a catfight to speak of. That’s why I have a picture of Diora Baird. Non sequitur to follow non sequitur. There is order in chaos and entropy follows distinct patterns. I think I can see the future baby!

• Kim Kardashian has a giant rack..oh and she does some stuff. (Bastardly)
• Renee Zellweger misses the golden ratio by the value of Plank’s constant. (Yeeeah)
• Ricky Schroeder will be on this season of 24. He and Jack Bauer will ride that little train through his living room and get into adventures! (Socialite’s Life)
• Britney wears panties this week. Jesus showed me the way. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Gwyneth Paltrow foams more clotted cream. Those Brits and their rich history. Sigh. (Bumpshack)
• Uma Thurman is 6 foot tall and full o’ muscles. (Smart)
• Van Wilder – Part crap: eruditely, disparately, twice-reviewed by Dustin Rowles. (Pajiba)
• Lindsay Lohan: Cherokee Indian. All ends in tears my friends. (ICYDK)
• Witness the mastery of the Michelangelo of MS Paint (College Humor)

While I figure out the rest of life’s answers feel free to browse more of Diora Baird Naked. I run a tight ship here folks.