NSFW - Fatback Media

You know what I love about sports? Hot chicks in bikinis. Sports, like rock and roll, is just a way to get girls to dress in skimpy outfits and take their tops off when they get drunk. That’s why every year Sports Illustrated, the illustrious journal of the pantheon of sports throws everything out the window and publishes a whole issue of hot chicks in bikinis. Marisa Miller, who was obviously created by God to be his girlfriend finally made the cover this year. Here’s a little abut Marisa form the Wikipedia.

Marisa enjoys football, muscle cars, cooking, and boxing. From an early age she loved surfing, was a standout volleyball player on her high school team, and has long been a big sports fan in general. She’s said that if she weren’t a model she would be a sportscaster.

She also enjoys long walks on the beach and sweaty tiger sex with a certain sexy southern blogger that rhymes with hatback. REDACTED. UNVERIFIABLE.(Wikipedia)

Here’s more Marisa getting her sports on. Put down your XBox ’s and masturbate you fatty’s. These pics are from Si.com and there are plenty more over there to see. Also, more naked Marisa here.

Raw Vegas Video of Marisa Miller (Sorry can’t make the GD video plugin work this.)

You what I love more than hot models in bikinis? Naked models. That said, what’s up with this whole Blackwater USA situation and how did that affect the food for oil campaign a few years ago. I mean we have as many “private security” soldiers on the ground in Iraq as we do full-time military. Can they serve two masters? Or do they all serve one? Compelling questions deserve compelling answers. Like why is Marisa Miller not naked all the time?Links of you made it this far.

• Maxim hometown hottie self portraits (drunken stepfather)
• Abagail Clancy still British, still hot and half nude. (FHM)
• Rachel and Legolas? (Yeeeah)
• Alicia Keys looks hot, but I liked her better as a lesbian hooker hit (wo)man. (allie)
• Celebs are just like us! They love tacos too! (City rag)
• America Fererra keeps getting hotter.Fuck yeah! (Evil beet)
• Kim Cattrall decided to stop being a whore. (Gossip or Truth)
• Cute college girl of the week is from my alma mater. Go cocks! (college humor)
• Starts are just like us! They wreck motorcycles too! (Glitterati)
• DemiMoore is old as fuck. But I’d still hit it. (Seriously OMG)
• J-Lo is a shitty dresser. I bet she’s a great Ottoman. (Bumpshack)
• Abi Titmuss is hot and her name sounds dirty. (Bastardly)
• Um, Jordan showing her box again. (Jordan)
• Meg White sex tape in case you missed it. TOTALLY her dude. (Notorious)

Dude. Where the hell did summer go? It seems like just yesterday I was breaking out the white slacks, popping my collar and getting my 23 ft sloop out of dry dock to sail down to my parents house in Newport so I could discuss my new start-up with some buddies over beers and baked clams-beachside. No bigs. Now it’s already time to pull the kegs in from the beach, send the bitches home and get the beach house winterized, bro. The cool thing is that we didn’t have to bury anybody in the sand and have my dad take care of all that like last year. Score. Speaking of scores, here’s Marisa Miller half naked because I love summer and summer is for naked boobies.

Links if you made it this far:

• Cute College Girl O’ The Week: Heather from Monmouth. (College Humor)
• Lindsay Lohan’s dad visits her in rehab ( for a little slap and tickle?) (Yeeeah)
• Tyra Banks is fucking freeeeeak. (IBBB)
• Heather Grahm has a video, and well…she sure is pretty. (Evil Beet)
• Britney is opening the VMA’s, which apparantly still happen? (GoT)
• Hottest blogger online (Allie)
• Vanessa Hudgens nude! Well probably not, but a boy can dream. (Glitterati)
• Britney Poo. (Seriously OMG)
• Jessica Simpson’s nipples: still awesome. (DS)
• Davis Schwimmer is banging Thandie Newton. PIVOT! (Bastardly)
• Kate Walsh said some stuff..blah blah…I’m just looking at her rack. (ICYDK)
• Jenna Fischer separated from her husband. So leave us alone, we need sometime to heal. (BPBC)
• The Hilton’s have set the Paris pregancy project in motion (Bumpshack)

Space-time continuum. About. To. Explode.

There is an ancient prophecy that told of this event. It said that the hottest girls on the planet would someday be together and they would bring peace and celebrate the moment with an embrace. And then they would embrace me. And then I would watch while they embraced some more. And then we would video all of us together and…wait that might have been a dream.

 

Time to enter the wayback machine kids - way back to when Marisa Miller was doing more nudity. Besides the fact that I couldn’t send you through the weekend with the incredible hulk dog as the lead story, I was feeling a little nostalgic about a time in the not too distant past when tea was sweet, summer was hot and Marisa Miller was plenty nude. Good times.

Paris Hilton, ever the speller, who’s facing up to 45 days in prison, posted a heartfelt half-ass plea on her MySpace page this week urging people to sign a petittion to keep her out of jail.

“My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn [sic] it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!”

The petition, created by the stunningly dim-witted, Joshua Capone urges Arnold Schwarzenegger to rescind the order to incarcerate Paris for av DUI conviction probation violation.

“Paris Whitney Hilton is a 26-year-old American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world,” (source)

The letter goes on and on, and I think at one point he talks about masturbating while actually writing the petition, but I got so bored reading it that I literally died for a minute or two. But the cold medicine that I cooked up into crystal meth gave me a heart attack and brought me back kicking and screaming. Moral of the story? Paris Hilton is a murderer. And Sudafed sinus really does work. Although you need a lot of nitric acid a hot plate and some expensive glassware. More Marisa Miller because Paris Hilton is about as sexy to me as slurping ipecac off a dude’s cock.

Folks thats a genuine almost Marisa Miller nip slip. There’s at least 3 mm of areola peeking out of that dress taunting you to masturbate. Go ahead. Give into it. Rub one out and come back. I’ll wait.

You know I love me some Marisa Miller, but- and I’m trying to find the right way to say this- she doesn’t look as good as usual here. Oh, she’s still hotter than 99.9999% of all life on earth, but what the hell happened to her arms? Don’t get me wrong, I like my big boobied girls to be skinny, but not bony. What is it with girls who look like angels thinking they should mess around with the formula. Guess what Marisa? You’re hot and skinny. We get it. Now come over to my house for dinner and let’s get some groceries in you.

Can this even be real? How can Pete Doherty still be alive? Are there any drugs left to do in England? It looks like now he’s just rubbing the shit on his face with a hand full of broken glass . The dude is scabby and bleeding from 1001 different spots, including his fingernails, he continues to do drugs and somehow he convinced a (former) supermodel that he’s a rockstar and not the grim specter of death. If I saw him on the street I would call the CDC with a level 5 containment emergency, not ask for his autograph. When people look like this in Africa they firebomb the whole village and call it day. Somehow, Pete and his hemorrhagic fever can still get gigs with his band and avoid prosecution for drug violations time after time. PS. Joe Black here, just announced his engagement at a recent show. Love is in the air. Oh, and so is a fine aerosol of diseased, pussey blood.

Suddenly skipping alongside him on stage was that other emblem of the druggie world, Kate Moss, making a fleeting appearance to support her man - the soiled supermodel had time enough to stick up a middle finger at the audience.

So ladylike. And there was Doherty telling the cheering crowd he was “dedicating this song to my fiancee”. (source)

Here’s Pete showing how close we all are to meeting out final repose. Ah, love. “O, how this spring of love resembleth
The uncertain glory of an April day…” (The rest of the pics are Marissa Miller so I don’t slash my wrists- ed.)

In news that can be filed under both the “Holy Shit” and “Of Course He Did” categories, Keith Richards was recently quoted as saying that he snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine, adding that it, “…went down pretty well”. Richards explained:

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared.” (source)

I’ve really got to hand it to “Keef”. At this point he could show up to a concert with a tar filled bloody syringe dangling from his forearm and I don’t think anyone would even bat an eye. Paris and Britney’s drug rumors send people into orbit but we celebrate this guy like he’s the goddamned crazy uncle that we all wish we’d had growing up that would sneak us Playboys and warm Coors Lights when no one was looking.

Maybe it’s our fault for being so stuck up and snobby when it comes to illegal drugs. Maybe if we all spent our entire lives mainlining Jack Daniel’s and chugging Marlboro Reds we’d all be multimillionaires. I’ll call it the “Human Cockroach Diet” and market it as the surefire way to laugh in Death’s face for the better part of a century. There’s no way this can fail. I think I’m on to something! Speaking of segueing into something non sequitur, here’s Marissa Miller to warm you northern folks up today.

-Shooter.

TMZ reports an employee of Wolfgang Puck catering services, who recently catered the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party, was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis A and could have possibly spread it to the attendees. Scandalous!

An urgent warning has been issued by the Health Department, warning the star-studded crowd who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day that they may have been exposed to acute hepatitis A. The list of possibly exposed guests: Beyonce Knowles, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, and dozens of ridiculously hot bikini models.

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health confirmed that an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering was recently diagnosed with the disease, and has strongly urged anyone who attended the SI party, or any of the 13 other events catered by Puck between Feb. 1 - 20, to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow to prevent illness. (source)

I don’t get it? The chance of a communicable disease, a raid by Colombian gangsters, incurable case of carpet burn and a paternity test nine months down the road are the marks of every Hollywood party I’ve ever been to. And Hep A, who doesn’t have that, anymore? It’s like the country club strain of Hep diseases. I think newborns in California are just inoculated with it when they get their MMR vaccinations. I’m pretty sure it’s a law.

Hep C. Now that’s some shit you can sink you’re teeth into: tattoos, drug use, high risk sexual practices, voodoo. Ain’t no party like a Hep C party ‘cuz a Hep C party don’t quit, bitches.

I’m kidding! Don’t do drugs. And have your pets spayed or neutered. EMcrest., OUT!