NSFW - Fatback Media

I need some shrimp and grits so check out what’s going on around the web.

Kristen Bell is cute as a button and devilishly sexy. I must stalk her. (GMMR)

Bruce Willis assaults a paparazzo and uses the old “flashy lights, epilepsy enduced violence” excuse. Yippy-kay-yeah mutha fucka! (Derek Hail)

Jessica Simpson’s new video will feature Eva Mendes, Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba and Carmen Electra. If it’s anything like, my original script, then expect to see me in a full frontally nude pile of sexy women. If it’s not, expect to masturbate anyway. (Glitterati)

Mandy Moore woke up from her dream and dumped Zach Braff. I guess he’ll have to rely on brown bear to help him through this. (Tabloid Whore)

Victoria Beckham and her nipples are hooker chic in Germany. (D-Listed)

The cover of the new Green Day album has a bleeding heart shaped grenade on the cover which allowed a young girl to identify a real live grenade in her back yard. I’m going to start a band called “The Claymores”. I want to save the children, baby. (TMZ.com)

Madonna wants to kill Lindsay Lohan and transfer her consciousness into her body through the power of Kaballah. Or maybe she’s just a needy bitch who likes young girls. Chickenhawk. (The Superficial)

All right Hamptonites. Prepare to be out Hampton-ed, out yacht-ed and out fucking classed, you new money mother fuckers. Behold the most pretentious, whitebread, old money name ever to grace the NY Times Wedding Announcements…Whipple Spaulding Newell III…yacht hair and all. God damn. Just saying his name makes silver dollars appear in his pockets. (Veiled Conceit)

Wilmer Valderrama has apparently had sex with every actress in Hollywood. The Bosh reports that he boasted recently on The Howard Stern show that he has a large penis, took Mandy Moore’s virginity and had sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Lindsay Lohan.

Wilmer Valderrama, one of the stars of “That ‘70s Show” as well as the host of the upcoming MTV program, “Yo Momma,” visited the Howard Stern show to talk about banging young starlets. Wilmer revealed that his penis is over 8 inches long.

Wilmer mentioned that he dated Lindsay Lohan for more than a year and that the rumor that he dumped her for Ashlee Simpson wasn’t true.Wilmer claimed that he took Mandy Moore’s virginity, Howard wondered if sex with her was difficult at first. Wilmer told Howard that the sex was “really good” with Mandy, but also acknowledged that it wasn’t “like warm apple pie.”

Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.” However, Wilmer claimed that the other three girls Howard brought up – Jamie Presley, Rosario Dawson and Jessica Alba – were just friends of his and that he’s never been physical with any of them.(source)

I really don’t know what to say about this except, WTF? The thought of Fez writhing and fumbling all over sweet little Mandy Moore makes me want to smash my forehead repeatedly with the round end of a ball-peen hammer in efforts to destroy that image. I would rather watch puppies drown in a septic tank than see that Wilmer has implausibly banged yet another hot starlet. Whiny, sunken eyed ghouls like Wilmer, used to get their asses kicked by the even the science nerds in high school. I should know, because I was the science nerd and I totally kicked his ass. Chemistry rulez!