NSFW – Fatback Media

These are some of the most boring photos EVER of Lindsay Lohan celebrating her 21st birthday by the beach. I think I’m starting a petition to bring back the fire crotch. Sobriety is for quitters.

Not only was Lindsay’s beachfront birthday blowout supervised by her mother (who brought along her little brother for extra support), but we’re hearing that the party’s entertainment was overseen by a team of Promises folks – according to our source, the strongest stuff at the party was lemonade and soda! (source)

Dude, when your rehab coach supervises your 21st, you know you have a problem. I’m sure they figured out a way to get some contraband in there. Scope with a vanilla extract chaser anyone? Hardcore, bitches. Sucks to be Lindsay Lohan. I spent my 21st birthday in proper southern fashion – pounding Jager bombs and dancing topless on a table with a dude in a trucker hat and a spider monkey. That is, of course, until we were asked to leave due to “inappropriate behavior”. Fucking Waffle House. Anyway. Is it just me or is LiLo’s mother a total MILF? Wait, I meant really creepy looking bitch.

Elevenety billion more boring pics of Lindsay Lohan at her boring drug free party here.

Quitters never win. Winners never quit…

While most of you were asleep Friday night, quietly dreaming of a 3 day weekend at the community pool eating BBQ chicken with your fingers and spraying fake tanner on your muffin tops, Lindsay Lohan was keeping it real and proving she’s no quitter by crashing her car at 3:30 am, drunk and holding what cops are calling a “usable amount of cocaine”.

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved “something to her upper chest area.” Police said the two other people in her car were not hurt.

…She was cited and released and will have to face a judge. (source)

I think it’s fitting that this is a holiday weekend, because true heroes like Lindsay Lohan don’t normally get the attention they deserve. For instance, losers like you and me would get thrown in jail for 18 hours and eventually serve time for DUI and possession, but the goodly laws of LA say that if you’re a rich snot nose drunken drug user and you crash a car you can go home and sleep it off – like the special, special person that you are. You’ve got to admire her ability to stay on task as a coke whore – even in the face of those meanies at rehab, the tabloids, the American public, established social mores, a system of codified laws and legal standards and personal health issues. It’s about sacrifice. Lindsay Lohan. You are my hero.

Because it’s Memorial Day, I decided to post a retrospective pictorial journey through Lindsay Lohan’s finest NSFW moments for your patriotic perusal.

Things are slow around here and by slow I mean our page loads are slow because of server issues. Sit tight while I piss on the spark plugs and add some 30 weight gear oil. That outta do it. Till then. Hey guess what? Jordin Sparks won American Idol. Wow. Never saw that coming. Nepotism rules. Anyway I didn’t watch. Well, I watched Blake and Doug E Fresh and that was wiggity-wiggity-AWESOME. Then I proceeded to watch LOST and become very, very confused. Flash forward? Who’s in the coffin? Why only Kate? Is Naomi evil? Charlie RIP? February is the next epsiode? WTFF? Anyway. Links.

• Katherine Heigl is engaged to a freaky looking singer. Snore. (Bastardly)
• Cheryl Crowe adopts a baby. Huh? (Pipi)
• Sharon Stone in a bikini. It’s like wanting to bang you’re grandma. Gross but you’d still do it for the cookies. (Glunp)
• Jordin Sparks is a giant who will eat Blake. (Yeeeah)
• Samaire Armstrong may be pregnant. By Jesus M. (DS)
• Veronica Mars got canceled. *sigh* Thanks CW, she was finally old enough for some frontal. (Pajiba)
• Paris gets jailhouse religion. Whore. (GoT)
• Britney Spears in her underwear. Hurray AdSense! (Jordan)
• Happy birthday Linday Lohan! You’re 21 and officially all washed up. Hollywood is a bitch. (DH)

More Jennifer Ellison for no reason. Except that reason.

Lindsay Lohan and non nude nipples with a book. Wow. These pictures are 6 months old for all I know. My research department is a crack whore. I run a tight ship. Except when I just don’t give a shit. Which is mostly. Anyway. Here’s Lindsay Lohan looking a bit chilly and doing everything she can to let us know that a) she’s reading a book and b) that the book is by Felicity Huffman and it’s entitled A PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND!. How witty she is! Insert tongue firmly in cheek! My stars.

Here’s a snippet from this literary masterpiece;

At some point, every guy — player, geek, mama’s boy, “regular Joe” — meets a woman who makes him want to be a boyfriend. A good boyfriend. Problem is, unless heâ’s had some first-rate training (by a previous girlfriend, a sister, a mom), he probably doesn’t even know what that means. (source)

Wait. I know. That sounds like something a chick would say. Or an effeminate pansy, 45 year old who brushes his mama’s hair and lives in her basement. Oh, but wait it was on this ruggedly handsome piece of manmeat’s Amazon list. So it must be HOTT! (note the two T’s… that’s for extra hot)

“My mother is going to LOVE you”

Whew. I think the temperature is rising ladies. More of Lindsay Lohan’s nipples, where unlike here, the temperature was obviously a little chilly. ZING! Pulitzer, here I come.