NSFW – Fatback Media

Lindsay Lohan, the completely mentally stable and totally brilliant actress of such Oscar worthy gems as Herbie: Fully Loaded, Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, recently expounded -albeit modestly- on her own acting skills as well as the acting prowess of several of her contemporaries. Actually she was wasted. And here’s how it went:

“The higher Lindsay got, the more arrogant and mean she became,” said a former party pal of the 21-year-old star. “She ranted and raved about her talent, claiming: ‘I’m the greatest actress in the world! No one’s even close to me right now!’

“And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition.”

Here’s what she said about her fellow actresses:

Scarlett Johansson is “ugly, fat and has no talent.”

Jessica Simpson “can’t sing and is dumb as (bleep).”

Sienna Miller is a “no-talent crackhead.”

Keira Knightley is “a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress.”

Jessica Biel is a “phony, scheming, joke of an actress.”(source)

I don’t know about you, but I think she’s right. She could be the greatest actor of our generation. I mean who didn’t cry n Herbie Fully Loaded when Lindsay as the trouble teen Maggie delivered this quip?

“It wasn’t me, it was Herbie.” (IMDB)

It was Herbie. It was Herbie,Lindsay. Herbie the black guy. Keep your chin up kid. As long as you stay true to your craft, you’ll always have a place in the hearts of Americans. Wait. That means having a huge rack right?

I can only assume that Lindsay Lohan’s drunk detecting bracelet didn’t work. (You think they picked it up on Ebay?)

Little Miss Lindsay got herself all plastered with a bit of coked-up on the side and decided to play chase early Tuesday morning. She was picked up by the cops, frisked and found to be carrying cocaine on her person. I wonder if she had to do the old squat and cough?

The best part of this story is how even though she was driving drunk and in possession of cocaine she managed to blame it on someone else. It’s gets better. When one of the kids who was in the car with her (the one that Lindsay basically stole) tried to get her to stop because she was going to get in trouble she threatened to sue and quipped:

 ”I can’t get in trouble. I’m a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want.” (TMZ)

Once she stopped the car and the police arrived on scene, Lindsay did however, own up to the whole thing and tried to make it right with the cops.  Oh wait, I meant she went all white trash and blamed the nearest black guy- Susan Smith style.

When police arrived, Dante says it seemed as if Lindsay told officers, “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.”

Dante and Jakon [passengers in the car] say they saw Lindsay flunk the field sobriety test. They say when she tried touching her nose, she almost fell over.(TMZ)

So now she’s facing drunk driving and narcotic charges. It also looks like her dad is trying to cash in on this whole fiasco. Guy is in the news, talking about how all of this is ‘partly his fault’. Yeah, it probably is and no one really gives a rat’s ass. Ooh. Her mom is doing interviews, so that means she really loves her, right? Right?

“We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay and I won’t give up – this is my daughter and we love her,” Dina Lohan tells The Insider. (source)

What everyone cares about is, How long will Lindsay be in rehab this time? Will she munch carpet in there? And when will the pics of rehab lesbian action leak?

That’s it. I’m done. Congratulations, Lindsay, you’ve beaten me. I used to think that I possessed a biting wit and a funny take on celebrities’ misfortunes that would endear me to the masses, but you’ve taken that away from me. You’ve worn me down, and I’m waving the tattered white flag of surrender. First you get a DUI on Memorial Day weekend, then you enter rehab. OK, I’ll cut you some slack on account of your admitting that you’re a complete alcoholic (whereas I’m only halfway, i.e. I don’t have to go to rehab just yet). Then you celebrate your 21st birthday, sober and with your mom. I celebrated mine at a Bacchalanian Italian feast before gallivanting across Southern Europe for the next 3 months, but once again, I was willing to take it easy on you. Then you go out and drag race across LA last night, drunk on appletinis (or were they cosmos?) with some blow in your pocket, to boot. At this point, you have entered an area of celebrity culture that used to be reserved for Mike Tyson, Anna Nicole, and Michael Jackson. You’re so goddamned crazy that you’ve taken the fun out of it for the rest of us.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning. (source)

So congratulations, Lindsay. I am a broken man. Here’s to your last few months on earth, because you’re no doubt only a few months away from launching your Benz off of the Santa Monica Pier on the way to screw some B-level male celebrity. Rest assured that I’ll pour out a wine cooler for you when the day comes. Here’s Lindsay in happier times.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a steamy relationship with club DJ Samantha Ronson. In what will surely cause the internet’s alliteration meter to explode, (e.g. Lindsay Lohan’s loses lesbian love letters, or loquacious Lindsay’s lesbian letters, or Lindsay Lohan lies limply, loosley leaping, lethargically livening lesbian love letters, limned in lemon lipstick, et cetera) this may be the hottest story ever to break on this site this morning. Lindsay’s MySpace account was supposedly hacked and here are some snippets of her conversations with Samantha Ronson:

“Babe, if I don’t have you in my life then I should just go die”, the rehabbing actress wrote in one late-night posting, after she and Sam had an explosive online lovers spat.

“Your [sic] all I have to live for, babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!” Lindsay typed. Hollywood DJ Sam, 29, responded that she didn’t think she’d fall in love again and it was Lindsay who restored her trust. While Lindsay tried at the start of her relationship with Samantha to keep it under wraps, “the rumors about them hooking up are totally true, a pal told Star in April. “Lindsay is trying to be low-key about it, but everyone knows that they are way more than friends.”

Sure enough, Samantha was on hand to spin the records when Lindsay took a break from rehab to celebrate her 21st birthday on July 2 at a Malibu beach house…

At 11:46 pm [on June 6th], Samantha wrote to Lindsay, “You still have me. I’m here for you. With you. She went on to say that she would quit doing drugs if only Lindsay would tell her that she loved her! At12:36 a.m. Lindsay replied, “I love you. You love me. Why don’t we f_ _ _ and make a family? (source)

Well that’s good enough for me folks. I think these kids are in love and who are we to judge them and their steaming hot naked, girl-on-girl, homosexual lesbian love making? I mean all lesbians are hot, trashy girls with big boobs and shaved hoohoo’s who like to have pillow fights and are just waiting for that special moment when they will let the pizza guy join the mix right? If not then I have a DVD library of utter lies. It’s like on Footloose when they wouldn’t let Kevin Bacon dance with Laurie Singer. You can’t stop true love and you can’t stop these dance moves, baby. Here’s Lindsay with a bunch of chicks she’ll probably be sleeping with because she’s a naughty lesbian.