NSFW – Fatback Media

If you thought that Dina Lohan couldn’t get any more cloying, manipulative and exploitative of her daughters, well you thought wrong, sukka. Get ready for reality TV that’s so real that the realness will rub you raw in all the right places and leaving you crying in the shower like you dropped the soap in reality prison. Dina Lohan begins shooting her reality show on E! with her daughter Ali on Oct 30th in New York. And you know it’s serious because the ‘E’ channel has a fucking exclamation point, bitch.

“There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,” says Dina. “I’m setting the record straight.”“It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income.”(source)

Fuck yeah. That’s as real as it gets people. How many other single mom’s have struggled to squander the eight figure income of one emotionally tortured daughter while feverishly plotting ways to exploit the other daughter in exciting [and real!] new ways? I know, right! This is amazing tv! Who needs writers when you have: reality?

Lindsay Lohan failed at being a drunken whore and now she’s failed at being a sober whore. She reportedly tested positive for cocaine recently at the Utah rehab center where she’s been staying. This may prevent her from being released on schedule.

The ‘Mean Girls’ star – who has been receiving treatment for drug and alcohol addiction at Utah’s Cirque Lodge for two months – was said to have completed her programme last week but it has been claimed she was forced to stay on after testing positive for cocaine.

Insiders also alleged she has been drinking alcohol and mixing diet pills with prescription anti-anxiety medication in a bid to get high.

A source told Australia’s New Weekly magazine: “I think she’ll take whatever pills they allow her. It’s obvious to me she’s high because she acts loopy and can’t seem to walk in a straight line!” (source)

I think we can all agree that regardless of what poor Lindsay’s been through, her breasts still look great. And if there’s one thing that makes everything okay in America it’s a nice rack.

There’s a war going on.

Yeah but did you see Lindsay’s tits?

I know! God bless us every one!

I think I like the failed rehabbed coke whore Lindsay the best. All that positive thinking and happy-happy joy-joy is sexy as hell. Because you know she is just seething underneath to get her freak on in bathroom with some random dude with horse mouth and a bloody nose. Why? Because rehab doesn’t work. All they teach in rehab is how to trade dependence (on drugs, alcohol, sex[!], etc) for co-dependence on other people who are just as fucked up as you are. Trying to kick a habit in rehab is like asking a drowning person to help you swim to safety. Or asking me to have sex with you. Ladies call me. I have blow.

Man, it’s a good thing Lindsay Lohan decided to stay in rehab. That was really brave considering these pictures. From what I can tell, her treatment programs are pretty tough. When asked about Lindsay’s health, officials at Cirque Lodge were quoted as saying, “It’s a process. Her cuticles still need a lot of work.”

 

After literally skating on drug possession, reckless driving, and several other charges, Lindsay Lohan has copped a plea for two DUI arrests and she’s going to do time. She gets credit for 1 day served and she’ll have to 10 hours of community service and she’ll have to be incarcerated for 24 hours. One. Fucking. Day. Oh, and somehow in LA County DUI is not a felony. In my home town down south, it’s a felony to have beers on the beach, even if you’re sitting right in front of your own beach house. The great thing about all this is that Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan sees the gravity of this situation and is stepping up as a parent. Wait, no. She’s acting like an oblivious, self-absorbed, has-been whore living vicariously (and tragically) through her daughter in whom she is both bitterly jealous and financially dependent.

“My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives,” Dina told 24Sizzler.com Thursday evening, “and people just want to make things up and see us fail!” (Source)

No Dina. We can’t make shit like this up. Fucking Shakespeare couldn’t make shit like this up and half of his tragic heroines slept with a close family member on accident or killed someone and all them ended up dead at an early age. With a parent like you, I almost feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. But then I remember that she says stuff like “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want”.  Here’s the rub…she can. Dun dun DUNNN.